Lovers in quarantine: how to deal with uncertainty

Quarantine closed the borders – and not only between countries. Family borders have also been closed. And those who are outside sometimes suffer from it.

Alina, 36 years: “I never wanted to take Igor away from the family where he has two children. For several years in a row we met regularly, we were good together, sometimes we went somewhere for a few days together. And now he is at home with his family, and although he calls me when he goes to the store, I feel lonely. I can’t call him – there is almost always someone next to him … “

Karina, 25 years: “I am seven months pregnant. I had no doubt that Plato and I would get married, in March he was already going to divorce his wife. But now I’m not so sure anymore. He began to call and write less often. Sometimes I wait several hours for his response after I write a message.

Anna, 29 years: “I’m going crazy with jealousy. Forced or not, but Ilya spends whole days with another, they are not married, but live together. Ilya writes to me that it’s just because of the quarantine, but I imagine how they have breakfast together every morning and have dinner every evening … It seems to me that he is moving away from me, and I don’t know how to keep him.

How to survive this situation and what to do? Gestalt therapist Vyacheslav Ilyin and sexologist Irina Panyukova answer this question.

“Confess to yourself your desires, speak about them out loud”

Vyacheslav Ilyin, gestalt therapist

The world that seemed secure has failed us, and now we are all trying to find a way to cope with it, and women who are left alone get a double dose of anxiety: anxiety about the future of their relationship is added to the general background. Men in a situation of anxiety are more likely to choose security, and not the risk that is always associated with leaving the family.

But every situation is unique, and every man is too. Someone solves economic problems and waits for a more favorable environment in order to go into a new relationship, while someone does not want to change anything and uses self-isolation as an excuse, as a way to interrupt or weaken ties, referring to external circumstances and thereby relieving himself of responsibility .

I really sympathize with every woman who finds herself in such a situation, it is really not easy. But the childish belief that it is enough to wait until the end of April for everything to be fine, as well as the idea that if a man was around, he would magically solve any difficulties, these are forms of denial, an escape from reality, which exacerbate problems, but does not help with them.

Try to avoid the following hazards:

• don’t try to control everything. This is impossible and only exhausts the forces;
• don’t intimidate yourself. Don’t let your imagination paint scary pictures uncontrollably;
• don’t blame yourself. Stop listing everything you did “wrong” and experience feelings of shame and disappointment in your abilities about this.

Instead of this:

• cheer yourself up, for example, by saying: “I won’t leave myself” or “Be patient, my dear, of course you are lonely now, but I will take care of you!”
• treat yourself warmly and responsibly – this means not just expecting help to come from outside by itself, but looking for it (where it can really be found) and negotiate with the outside world so that help comes;
• admit to yourself your desires, speak about them out loud, be persistent;
• do not ignore your fear, anxiety, sadness. If you ignore fear, there is a danger of unjustified risk. If repressed, anxiety can manifest itself in compulsive behaviors (excessive handwashing, overeating, surfing the Internet). If you suppress sadness, it turns into chronic despondency and breakdown. Allow yourself to be aware of your feelings and find ways to express them that will bring you relief.

Until the end of quarantine, it is unlikely that it will be possible to clarify the future of relations, and it may not be possible even after. This is a situation of uncertainty – and it’s good to have someone next to you who will help you experience it, not necessarily physically present, but emotionally involved.

“He left the family for the sake of his mistress, but she is still unhappy”

Sometimes our loved ones try to tell us what to do or criticize us in the hope of helping. To avoid this and explain what we expect from them, you can turn to them with a request-instruction: “Please give me time, listen to me without judgment and advice, just stay with me.”

Do whatever you can to increase your emotional resilience.

“The way we think about others is reflected in our state of mind”

Irina Panyukova, sexologist and psychotherapist

Anxiety paralyzes and disorganizes us, while certainty calms us. Even unpleasant certainty after the first violent reaction provides an opportunity to take constructive action.

If you have the opportunity to achieve clarity, try to do so. But this is not always realistic, and for your beloved too: perhaps he himself does not know what his future will be like, what decisions he will make.

You can try to achieve greater certainty not globally, but situationally: for example, agree on the time of calls, on their regularity. To increase certainty, you can consider all possible scenarios for the development of events yourself (we will be together; we will not be together; something will happen that I cannot imagine right now …). These options must be recorded.

Trying to analyze everything without writing it down can be compared to trying to multiply four-digit numbers in your head: it’s difficult, but on a piece of paper it’s easy. In addition, when writing down, we begin to look at everything that happens a little from the outside, weaken the emotional intensity and begin to think. Work out the next steps for each option separately: “what will I do first, what will I do next.”

In separation from a loved one, we experience two types of suffering: emotional and bodily. We have just discussed what to do with emotional suffering, but what about bodily? It is clear that it is impossible to fully compensate for the lack of physical intimacy. However, it is in our power to offer our body other pleasant sensations.

Surely at home, spa treatments, self-massage, gymnastics, yoga and Pilates exercises are possible. Balance exercises are useful: they help maintain peace of mind. Meditation will not be superfluous either.

The way we think about other people, especially those close and loved ones, is reflected in our state of mind. Blaming them or resenting them makes us feel worse than before.

In an alarming situation, your man stays at home with his family. You can look at it like this: you are dating a decent person, he does not abandon those to whom he has obligations. He does not devalue the relationship with you and does not neglect them – he does what he considers his duty.

If he left his wife, children, it could not be called a decent act. And true love is impossible without admiration for the moral qualities of the beloved. You are now sad without him, but this sadness speaks of your warm feelings for him and that he deserves your respect.

In the future, if you are together again, he will say: “My woman remained calm and dignified, she trusted me and did not demand constant proof of love, did not try to increase my concern for her.”

And if you break up, then he will not be able to say: “This is due to the fact that she constantly pulled me and increased my stress.” In any case, peace of mind will benefit you.

Resentment is a non-constructive feeling, a reaction similar to a child’s. But if parents come to help an offended child, then as an adult, he learns to help himself. Another step to reduce stress is to remember and write down what resources you have, what help you can get on your own, who can help you financially and emotionally: relatives, friends, psychologists.

And a young woman who is pregnant is now faced with the most serious task – to endure, give birth and raise a healthy child who will have a healthy mother. The best thing to do now would be to focus on this particular task, seeking help from doctors when needed.