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When a third, even a very desirable one, enters the life of two, it separates them from each other. A couple will only become stronger if two not only want a child, but are ready for change.
“From that day my romance with my husband ended. The old feeling became a dear, irrevocable memory, and the new feeling of love for the children and for the father of my children marked the beginning of another, but already completely different happy life, which I have not yet lived at the present moment. This is what family happiness looks like in the view of Leo Tolstoy. It would seem that spouses usually rejoice at the birth of a child, dreaming of a new happy relationship, of a different life, which the classic so poignantly described. Why does some joy not last long?
“We were really looking forward to the appearance of our son,” recalls 32-year-old Nikita, “and in the first months everything was fine. We took turns taking care of the child, I also liked to feed and bathe him. But then I began to feel that I was being “pushed in”. My wife only took care of her son, she was annoyed when I tried to somehow intervene, and gradually she completely turned away from me. Relations began to deteriorate quickly, and even before my son was two years old, I first cheated on my wife, and then completely left the family.
Do kids make marriage stronger?
How to find out whether the appearance of a child will strengthen the relationship in a couple or, conversely, undermine them? “It all depends on what reasons, conscious and unconscious, once connected the two,” says psychoanalyst Yves Prizhan. – There are two components in love: narcissistic – when we, like in a mirror, see ourselves in another (and this delights us), and more objective, thanks to which we experience a genuine interest in a real person who lives next to us. The future of the couple and the place that the child will take in it depends on how these two aspects are balanced.
Why did Nikita’s marriage fail the test? Probably the fact is that it was a narcissistic couple in which each looked for support in the other, sought to make up for something that he lacked. “And then the mother begins to behave with the child as if he should help her find the desired feeling of fullness,” continues Yves Prijean. “A child becomes a symbol of power for a woman, and then it is very difficult for a man to become a father, while remaining a lover.”
Family therapist Inna Khamitova adds: “We never know exactly what the other person is thinking or feeling: we interpret his behavior and resent our own thoughts about it. Nikita is offended because he perceives his wife’s behavior as a rejection. But the wife does not reject him, she is just busy. He could have asked if he annoyed her, discussed why they had drifted apart…but he didn’t. All this suggests that there was a problem in the couple even before the birth of the child. Partners did not create a trusting relationship, did not learn how to communicate. Then there is one way – to learn to talk, otherwise the marriage will fall apart.
Understand your partner’s needs
The appearance of a child endangers those couples in which one loves a partner (and then a child) not as an independent person, but as a reflection of himself and therefore does not know how to take into account needs other than his own.
“Partners need to strengthen friendly, human relations: this is often what a young family lacks,” says psychotherapist Mikhail Papush. – The couple is united by love (sexual and emotional), then life and developing mutual obligations. But all these are variables: emotional and sexual relationships are subject to fluctuations, the everyday situation with the birth of a child changes dramatically. But mutual human interest, support, friendship are more stable things.”
“We have three children, the youngest is two months old,” says 34-year-old Anna. – I get very tired all day long. In the evening, my husband wants intimacy, and I would rather sleep an extra hour.
It is important for a man to realize that his wife is not only going through a difficult period, but also becomes different.
“Ask your husband for help,” advises Inna Khamitova, “perhaps he simply does not know about your desires and continues to do what you valued before. We show love in different ways. Thus, it is customary for men to express love by earning money for the family or by having sex with their wife. But not always a woman who has just given birth, is breastfeeding and gets up to the child at night, is able to see the message “I love you” in the proposal to have sex. Perhaps she will consider it a duty, she will think that her husband does not consider her interests, does not see that she is tired. In this situation, agreeing, thereby raping yourself, or faking an orgasm, introducing a shade of lie into the relationship, is the way to nowhere. And it is important for a man to realize that now his wife is not only going through a difficult period and regaining strength after childbirth, but is also becoming different. He has yet to experience the joy of discovering this new femininity.”
One, two or three? Does the number of children affect the strength of a relationship in a couple?
“One of the classic ways to strengthen a couple is to give birth to two,” says child psychologist Tatyana Bednik. – This allows you to evenly distribute unions: each of the spouses is more involved in one of the children, paying attention to the second. Such an equilibrium can last for a long time.”
But the third child is often born when other children have grown up and the couple has no joint projects left. And this can create a problem. “He appears as a symbol of the finally established situation, as a point of no return: it is generally accepted that having three children does not get divorced,” says family therapist Jacques-Antoine Malarevic. – In economic terms, the third child means the final transition to the family with a capital letter, the woman is even more fixed in the role of mother. But as a result, relationships can “suffocate”: alas, couples with three children break up not so rarely.
Ksenia Kiseleva
Be ready for change
“We had a habit,” says 20-year-old Vladlena, “going to the gym together, shopping, etc. After the birth of my daughter, I realized that now we would not be able to spend so much time with each other, and I was afraid that this would play a cruel joke on us. At some point, I even began to get angry at my daughter for interfering in our lives. In the end, I realized that love is not the number of hours and minutes spent together, but a matter of the strength of feelings. And I’m watching carefully so that they don’t weaken!”
The appearance of a child necessarily creates a distance between partners, since the baby requires care and attention. It is important that the spouses be ready for this and remember that this is not the extinction of mutual feelings, but the beginning of a new stage in life.
“In general, preparing for the birth of a child, spouses should understand that his appearance will create a completely new situation in the family (especially if this is the first child), warns Mikhail Papush. — The old way will never be, you need to be flexible and think about how to build life in a new way. The appearance of a child strengthens the family if the husband and wife not only want this child, but are ready for changes. My counseling experience shows that for many, to change means to become more mature: before a child, relationships are still freer, they allow more adolescent egocentrism, and the status of a parent requires a more responsible attitude towards the family, which is far from being given to everyone.
What seemed like love could be a game of mutual concessions, and after the birth of a child, a man will have to come to terms with the fact that he will get much less attention from his wife. He has to be patient and wait. Unfortunately, young people (especially men) when saying the phrase “We want a child” have a poor idea of what it is.”
A child strengthens a family if before that people have learned to listen to each other
Discovery of new erotica
“The birth of a child is a litmus test: it shows either the affection and trust that exists in the family, or the contradictions that already existed before,” says Inna Khamitova. – A child strengthens a family if before that people have learned to listen to each other, to be attentive to the needs of another. In caring for a child, partners open up to each other from a completely new side, it becomes their common cause, and this can bring spouses very close. Now they don’t just love each other, they have a third (fourth, etc.) to whom their feelings are directed.
“We have four children,” says 38-year-old Olga, “and every time after the birth of a child, a crisis occurred in relations with my husband, because I just fell in love with the baby and didn’t think about anything else. And each time, my husband affectionately but firmly let me know that our universe is not reduced to children. With the third child, the crisis was serious.
Although the appearance of a child almost always becomes a test for a couple, it also provides an opportunity to reveal the depth of feelings.
The husband even had an affair on the side when his son was only a few months old. Despite everything, the birth of each child marked a new stage in the relationship, especially in the sexual life. We saw – both I and the husband – how the other becomes a parent, but at the same time remains a lover, and this caused a stronger physical attraction. It is very erotic to make love, knowing that as a result of the merging of bodies and souls, a new person may appear. I’m sure: if we didn’t have children, experiences in this regard would not be so deep. ”
Although the birth of a child almost always becomes a test for a couple, it also provides an opportunity to reveal the depth of feelings that would otherwise remain unexplored. Thanks to this event, partners are more aware of the difficulties in the relationship and learn to overcome them. It can be said that parents grow with their child.
“We must not forget that the couple is constantly evolving, changing,” recalls Inna Khamitova. – Arguments like “Well, we are already married, so everything is fine” is untenable. We need to spend time with each other, communicate. It’s important to do something that gives pleasure to both (including sex, of course) to remember that they are not only caring parents, but a man and a woman who love each other.
He doesn’t want a child. What to do?
Why are men afraid of fatherhood? The main reason is that they do not want to completely grow up. By the way, it is often for this childishness that women love them. The situation is paradoxical, but it can be dealt with.
He is afraid of losing his freedom. Convince him that life will not turn into a nightmare if everything is reasonably organized, take care of the nanny, kindergarten, children’s things and time allocation in advance.
He is afraid of responsibility. Many men are afraid of not being able to cope with raising a child, thinking that they will not be able to be ideal fathers. Let them know that there are no perfect fathers, explain that skill comes with experience.
He is afraid to stop being young. That is, it is possible to abandon the sporty driving style, lose some of the attractiveness in the eyes of women, turn into a “daddy in a bathrobe.” Give examples of your friends who already have children and who have remained young, energetic and interesting people.
He doesn’t want to be on the sidelines. “Ask any mother: who will she save first from a burning house – a husband or a child? She will always choose the child! It infuriates me”. Often the thought of having to share his wife’s attention with someone else, even with his own child, is unpleasant for a man. In this case, he occupies the symbolic place of a child in a couple and it is better for partners to seek help from a family therapist.
He already has children. After a divorce, men sometimes feel guilty about wanting to start a new family: it seems to them that, having decided on a divorce, they abandoned their children. Give the man the opportunity to experience “mourning” for his former family: after a while he realizes that he left his wife, not children.
He confuses his mother with the mother of his children. The ban on incest prevents him from making love to the one who became the mother. Another variant of Oedipal manifestations: fear of an omnipotent mother who has a child – a symbolic analogue of the phallus and, therefore, unlimited power. Refusal to “make a child” is then tantamount to castration! Psychoanalysis can help to understand and overcome these underlying causes.
As a child, he did not have a loving father. Perhaps the father mistreated the children and mother, left the family early, or is generally unknown. In this case, the idea of fatherhood refers to his own (negative) relationship with his father, and only the man himself can decide on the inner work to break this connection.
Is it really about him? This is worth looking into. Often the refusal to become a father is only a reflection of the doubts of a woman who is unconsciously not ready to become a mother. If she really wants to have a baby, and her companion is not ready for this, you should not decide for him – for example, stop using protection without warning him about it. This is a manifestation of disrespect for the desires of another, and there is a great risk that after the birth of the child that was imposed on him, the man will leave the family.
Ksenia Kiseleva