Love without prejudice: three stories and expert commentary

Evgenia, Oleg and the age difference

Late 1960s, Moscow. Evgenia was 38, behind an unsuccessful marriage, she raised a teenage son. Oleg is 21, he just graduated from the institute and started working. They met on a tourist trip. Tents, guitars, sea, bonfires… romance! At first she was pleased with his attention. But it was impossible to take him seriously – no joke, 17 years difference.

They returned to Moscow, and Oleg continued to call, come, give flowers and her favorite cakes. He caught Zhenya with another – and still continued to court … By perseverance and loyalty he conquered her, as she later said with gratitude. Zhenya “surrendered”: they got married and lived together for 40 years.

The relationship was not ideal. But the couple eventually found their balance between love and mutual respect. And when Zhenya was 60, and Oleg 43, she released him from the obligation to be faithful. Did he cheat on his wife? He avoids a direct answer. But the fact remains: Oleg did not leave his wife. And when Zhenya was diagnosed with oncology, he looked after her to the end.

Was their marriage happy? Oleg says yes, and remembers his wife with words of gratitude. If not for her wisdom and support, he would never have become a successful and accomplished person, he believes.

Allah, Ibrahim and the resistance of relatives

1970s, North Caucasus. Alla is a girl from a Jewish family. Not the youngest (for the then realities) – 27 years old. And not even a very “girl” – her reputation was controversial. Without influential friends, without a “correct” father, without a Volga car as a dowry, and without numerous caring relatives. Ibrahim is the nephew of the then prominent party leader, with a career and all the attributes of Soviet luxury.

Alla got a job as a secretary in the reception of a local government office. Once, at lunchtime, I laid a newspaper on my table to sleep – I went out with my girlfriends the day before. And on that day, Ibrahim came on business to this institution. Waking up, she yelled at him in the best Soviet traditions, so they met. A dizzying romance began, and they got married.

The groom’s family was indignant, but in the end everyone reconciled and still accepted her. Or rather, Alla did everything to communicate less with them in order to avoid disputes and misunderstandings.

Ibrahim allowed her everything. For example, she practically did not cook, and he himself set the table for guests. He always took good care of his wife. No scandals, they were always on the same wavelength. Alla was very fond of cognac and conversations “for life” until two in the morning, and he could listen to her for hours and admire her. Her husband accepted her for who she was and gave her everything he could – a rarity even in today’s times. She also took care of him in her own way, loved him.

They had no children of their own, but they adopted and raised a boy. In 2013, Alla died. Ibrahim was so homesick that he survived her by only six months.

Sergey, Sonya and education

Early 1990s, St. Petersburg. Sergei just returned from the army, got a job as an auto mechanic. Such a handsome man – tall, with an athletic figure, a smile like Gagarin’s. Enjoyed great success with the girls, but was not a womanizer. And suddenly fell in love. The whole family was languishing with curiosity, but he hid the chosen one for a long time.

Everything accidentally opened up when his mother met this couple somewhere in the park. It turned out that her handsome son had a nondescript, angular and unremarkable girl in big glasses. If you pass by, you won’t notice. A typical “librarian” – she turned out to be. They gave her the nickname “mouse”, but in general she was Sonya. Brothers and friends lamented for a long time that the guy did not find a beauty, but “so-so”. The parents didn’t get involved. The son marries – and well.

But it turned out that Sonya’s family was categorically against their marriage. Dad was a professor, mom was an assistant professor, the house is filled with books. And here – hello, car mechanic with 8 classes of education. In the end, they got married anyway.

Sergei worked, got along easily with people, and soon opened his workshop. And Sonya was always as if not from this world, she hovered in the clouds. I wanted to write books. And her husband supported her – he sincerely believed that his wife was talented. In the evenings he returned home, read her stories, cheered her up. And then he still stubbornly drove the manuscript to all publishing houses, trying to get it accepted. Through his autoclients, he contacted someone, and Sonya’s book was printed.

Sonya says – if not for Serezha’s faith in her, she would never have decided on this. She continues to write, and her books find their readers. The couple recently celebrated their silver wedding.

Is love above all?

“Each of these stories has everything you need for a good melodrama,” comments psychotherapist Gurgen Khachaturyan. — Overcoming, two against the whole world, social conventions, the influence of families. And in fact, such situations in life are far from uncommon. The attitude of parents, society still matters, even in megacities where people adhere to less patriarchal, traditional views.”

And it’s not just about international cultural differences. Did you bring your daughter-in-law into the house without housing? “She’s getting married.” Marry a woman with a child? “Divorce with a trailer”, no one else needed it. Did you find an older woman? “Twisted our boy.” The environment evaluates all these and many other parameters, puts them up for discussion, and breaking through them is not so easy, the psychotherapist believes.

But difficulties in love are not always created by society. There are no less prejudices and attitudes in our heads that prevent a wonderful feeling from being, growing and getting stronger. Once in such a situation, it is important to try to imagine: what next? What kind of relationship can become, what unites two people and what is needed in order to live happily in spite of everything?

The answers to these questions are different for every couple. But the heroes of these stories have something in common, the therapist notes.

They knew how to notice and appreciate what they did for each other. This helped to overcome difficulties, move on, not give up and perform some kind of feats in the name of love. After all, passion alone is not enough for happiness and intimacy. But the ability to be grateful to a partner for what he does for you and for the relationship is a wonderful skill. And you can develop it in yourself – every day you can find something for which to say a sincere “Thank you” to your loved one.