Although a person, as you know, is a herd animal who can be truly happy only through constant social contacts, he strives to realize his own needs and desires. But what if a partner interferes with this, albeit a beloved one?
Love, of course, is uncompromising, but a stable partnership is impossible without a willingness to make concessions. “Compromise is an agreement, an agreement between two partners, uniting the wishes and needs of both parties,” says family psychotherapist Ilona Sereni. However, this word is often used in a negative way. Compromise is like losing. Many people think that in the end there is one winner and one loser. But compromise and adaptation are an indispensable part of social life. This is true both at work, with colleagues, and in personal and friendships.
Compromise at any cost?
By nature, each of us seeks a sincere and stable relationship with a partner. But if the desires and needs of one do not coincide with the desires of the other, both instantly find themselves in a conflict situation. What causes great desire in you can cause equal disgust in your spouse. And if we want a harmonious partnership, we need to negotiate, and therefore find compromises.
And here a lot depends on our relationship and the level of the problem. It’s one thing when we argue about who takes out the trash, prepares dinner or cleans the floor – then it’s easier to give in and agree. And it’s quite different when we touch our values.
But where is the limit of compromise? How not to give in to something deep and fundamental, losing a piece of yourself?
“People rarely turn to a psychotherapist when it comes to domestic disagreements,” says Ilona Sereni. – When a compromise is required by the “level of love” or “level of parenting”, here the partners do not always manage to agree. It is no less difficult, in principle, to notice at what level the conflict unfolds. Foaming at the mouth, partners argue about an open toilet lid, and then it turns out that the argument is much deeper and it is, for example, disrespect.
But where is the limit of compromise? How not to give in to something deep and fundamental, losing a piece of yourself?
This is where understanding your own boundaries comes in handy. This can be learned, the psychologist is sure. “The hard part of any relationship is finding the fine line between compromise and radical change. Compromise should not be equated with self-denial because it will not make the relationship happy and stable in the long run. The “injured” partner will get less and less from the relationship, which can ultimately lead to depression.”
Who is more willing to make sacrifices?
Why do some people reluctantly compromise for the sake of their partner or refuse to do so at all, while others make great sacrifices on the altar of the union? A German-Canadian research group asked this question.
The researchers analyzed 3400 couples and came to the conclusion that those subjects who were not sure of the love of their partner were more willing to compromise and sacrifice.
According to a German longitudinal study in which participants answer questions about their relationships and everyday life every year, men are more likely to give in than women. After analyzing data for seven years, the researchers found that the willingness of respondents to donate, on average, decreased over this period. Those who had more relationships in the past indicated they were less willing to compromise. Respondents also reported a reluctance to sacrifice their interests if their income rose.