There is a big difference between being TOGETHER or just being NEAR.
Being together means putting WE in the first place, coordinating your words and actions with how it will respond to my soulmate and our relationship. Being together means that it is more important for me to spend time with my loved one than how exactly to spend this time. Being together means having a priority on maintaining good relationships and feeling comfortable in each other’s company, and not spending this time on winning «victories» for various insignificant reasons. Being TOGETHER means choosing to be happy over being right…
The model of love I + I fits, rather, into the framework of “being near”. This does not negate your need for a partner or even affection for him. You can be a good support for each other, and exchange the necessary resources as needed. You respect your partner’s interests as highly as your own, and give him the full right and opportunity to realize these interests. But you never put them higher than your own. It seems to me that this model of relationships is well illustrated by a phrase from some movie (I don’t remember exactly) said at parting: “Yes, I love you. But I love myself even more! I + I implies cooperation — beneficial as long as it is mutually convenient. There is more sober calculation here than charm. Here, justice between Take and Give is more monitored — and if this balance cannot be brought to a common denominator through discussion or requests, then it is easier for such partners to leave and look for someone else who more satisfies their internal criteria.
It seems to me that in order to create a strong and happy family, it is desirable for both partners to have communication experience in both models. Because each of them carries their own skills and abilities that are important for living together. And each — being the only one used, easily leads to external and internal conflicts.
An unconditional emphasis on the feeling of WE without regard to the requirements of the current situation makes partners too helpless, dependent, generates anxiety and hurts painfully in cases of disagreement. Such a fused relationship actually makes them Siamese twins. This, you see, is inconvenient.
And vice versa, excesses with independence in no way limit your personal development, but then sometimes it becomes completely incomprehensible, why do you, in fact, need a partner? When there is no answer to this question, it is very difficult for you to make any compromises, reckon with his opinion or keep the notorious fidelity. If both partners adhere only to this point of view, the couple easily breaks up on the first — or on the second — “bump”.
According to the laws of systemic interaction, in order for a couple to survive, partners must be either similar or complementary. Therefore, if one of the partners is able to live only according to one of the models (WE or I + I), then the second — in contrast — is forced to show the qualities inherent in the other model in order not only to allow the couple to survive, but also to come to some kind of harmony , complementarity. Again, if all this is done without fanaticism and excesses, the relationship really becomes more harmonious. If, in order to maintain this balance, the partners, as it were, diverge to different poles of this scale, then the relationship quickly slides into the “Running and Catching” model. The escaping person emphasizes his independent self more and more, and builds his life based on his own plans and priorities, putting the partner simply in front of the fact of already made decisions. The chasing one adjusts and bends more and more, trying to maintain at least some semblance of community and mutual affection. In such a pair, no one is happy, and everyone considers himself unfairly oppressed.
That is why I believe that at the level of ABILITIES and VALUES, each of the partners should have both the experience and skills of both models. Harmony is when both are able to adapt and make independent decisions. When both know why they hold on to this particular relationship. When both are able to defend their point of view without prejudice to love. When both are able to both love a partner and love themselves.
If you have all these skills in your arsenal, you can use them in different ways, depending on the requirements of the current situation.