Contents
It is known that the lack of parental love, lack of attention and care negatively affect the development of the child, even if mom and dad successfully satisfy all the other (purely biological) needs of their child. But how can parental love be to the detriment of a son or daughter, and even more so, spoil a child? After all, it would seem that the more we love our child, the better for him. In principle, of course, this statement is true, but only on the condition that our love for children is complete. And, on the contrary, inappropriate, inferior love only harms the child.
Inappropriate love can be defined as such love for a child that hinders his emotional growth, does not satisfy his emotional needs, encourages the child’s dependence on the parent, hinders his self-esteem, reduces his self-esteem and self-confidence.
The four most common types of mismatched love are possessiveness, seduction, substitutive love, and role reversal. They will be discussed in this work.
Sense of ownership
The feeling when parents consider children their property is the desire of parents to encourage the child’s excessive dependence on them. Paul Thorner, a well-known Swedish psychotherapist, describes this in detail in his article The Importance of Ownership. He says that a parent’s sense of ownership with a small child «needless to say, his dependence on them is almost complete.» But if this dependence on parents does not decrease as the child grows, it hinders the child’s emotional development. Many parents try to keep their children in the grip of dependence on them. Dr. Thorner says they use all kinds of pressure: suggestion, emotional blackmail, the power of authority, the need to obey. They are firmly convinced that they have all the rights to the child, because it belongs to them. These are the parent parents. They tend to treat their child as an object or property to be owned or recognized as their own, not as a person who has the right to grow up and become independent and self-confident.
Parents should respect the child’s right to be himself. This does not mean, of course, that there should be no prohibitions and everything can be allowed to the child. (Every child needs guidance and discipline.) This means that parents should encourage the child to think for himself, to respond spontaneously, to gradually and clearly realize that he is a person who must take increasing responsibility for his actions and deeds, as well as thoughts.
If we, as parents, neglect the child’s right to independence, his development may go awry, or he will grow up too dependent on us and too obedient and will not be able to learn to live independently in his own world. He can easily fall prey to stronger and more powerful people or groups, such as gangs, mafia or religious sects. Or, as he gets older, he will go out of his way to reject any parental advice and guidance, which will lead to cracks in our relationship. Again, Dr. Thorner emphasizes that we should «possess as if not owning,» without being possessive and possessive of the child.
Of course, to some extent, every parent has developed a sense of ownership in relation to his child. But we must be vigilant and
- be aware that we have a sense of ownership;
- to separate this feeling from genuine concern for the general well-being of the child; moreover, this is especially connected with the need to develop independence and the ability to rely on oneself;
- parents all the time should not only remember that they may have such a sense of ownership, but also be able to catch and extinguish this possessive instinct in themselves at every moment;
- to resist its pernicious influence in every possible way.
The pursuit of temptation
The second inappropriate way of expressing love for a child is manifested in the desire to seduce him (often unconsciously). I must warn you that it is very difficult for me to speak and write on this subject, because it is not so easy to define what the desire for seduction is in the relationship between parents and children.
In terms of our topic, I think it is enough to define the desire for seduction as an attempt to consciously or unconsciously obtain sensual, sexual sensations when communicating with a child. Consider an example recently discussed at a seminar on child psychiatry.
The girl was sent to a psychiatric clinic due to too frequent masturbation and poor school performance. The analysis showed that she spent hours daydreaming, fantasizing that her mother would die and she would live alone with her father. When questioned, it also turned out that the father hugs, caresses and kisses the girl too often, which obviously delivers sensual pleasure to both. When the father was delicately hinted at the true state of affairs, he exclaimed: “Just think! I just now realized that when we bathe together and I wash her, she behaves like a woman, and not like a small child!
In this case, the father clearly seduced the girl. However, he apparently did not realize (fully) what he was doing. As in almost all cases of this kind, marital relations in this family were dysfunctional. In families where marriage is not based on healthy relationships, it is not uncommon for such a tendency to seduce children, although usually not to such an extent.
This particular father is behaving inappropriately, but does this mean that physical contact should be completely eliminated? I fear that this reaction is becoming ubiquitous in our society. The common assumption is that because some parents behave like seducers of their children, physical contact is best kept to a minimum or avoided entirely. You can draw an analogy: since I have met people who are obese, I would rather not eat at all or very little. This is fundamentally wrong. Physical (tactile) contact with parents is very important for the normal development of both a boy and a girl (more on this can be found in the article “How to love children”).
There is another reason why many parents unfortunately avoid physical contact with their children: they may actually feel some sexual impulse. This can happen to any parent, especially if the father has big daughters. This is indeed a dilemma. On the one hand, the child really desperately needs to feel loved, and physical contact is vital for this. On the other hand, parents are embarrassed and afraid that this will greatly harm their children.
I think that we can make life easier for many parents and lift a stone from their souls if they understand:
- every child, regardless of age, needs appropriate physical contact;
- it is perfectly natural and normal for parents to occasionally have occasional sexual feelings or fleeting sexual fantasies about their own children;
- parents should neglect these inappropriate feelings, actively act and show their tender feelings for the child, satisfying his emotional needs, including appropriate (not seductive) contact.
In connection with the problem of seduction, many parents also experience additional fears associated with homosexuality. There is a common misconception that showing too much love from a mother to a daughter or a father to a son can lead to homosexuality, but the opposite is actually true.
As a school psychiatrist and psychotherapist, I often hear teachers express concern about this. A teacher once asked me, “Dr. Campbell! I love my daughter so terribly that I kiss her very often, and even sometimes on the lips. I won’t make her a lesbian?» After asking more about the relationship in the family and making sure that there is a healthy and natural environment, I approved of the mother’s behavior and recommended to continue in the same spirit.
Let me give you two more examples. The second example will show how appropriate love, including physical contact, contributes to sexual identification. But first, an example that demonstrates what the lack of appropriate love leads to.
My friend Rust, strong, stern, adamant, a real man, a naval officer who teaches drill. He has a lovely tender sensitive wife and four sons of the same age. Rust decided that his boys should grow up just like him, strong and stern. He treated them accordingly as recruits: strict discipline, unquestioning obedience, no indulgences and questions, no emotions and «calf tenderness.»
Your reaction is very important, friends-parents. How do you think these boys developed? Do you think they followed in their father’s footsteps? Do you think they grew up to be real men?
The last time I saw these boys, even I was struck by their effeminacy. Pretentiousness, lisping, appearance, habits — everything was like that of girls. Are you surprised. And it shouldn’t! As a psychiatrist, I deal with this every day. Boys whose fathers are harsh and cruel, as a rule, grow up to be effeminate sissy. Without showing any tender feelings, parents push their children away.
And here is another example. A few years ago, we had a pastor — a massive, big man with sharp features. His very presence attracted attention, he had a kind, loving heart. His son was three years old, like my David, but he was a head taller, strong as a poured apple, the spitting image of a father. Our pastor loved his son sincerely and deeply and expressed his tender feelings in every possible way: he hugged, kissed, squeezed, put on his shoulders, fought, etc.
How do you think this boy developed? Did he follow in his father’s footsteps? You can be sure! This kid was an exact copy of his father. He had a pronounced healthy sexual identification with his gender, he was a real boy from head to toe, happy, friendly, smart. With such a father, it seems that in life he should be a winner.
If these two examples do not convince you that an excess of appropriate love from each parent is not only desirable, but vital for every child (both boy and girl), let me add one more fact. All my experience as a psychiatrist and all the literature I have read confirms that among those who had loving, tender and affectionate fathers, there are no people with sexual deviations. I am convinced that once we correct these misconceptions, and once parents understand what a child really needs, most of them will be able to provide their children with a vast ocean of healthy, fulfilling, unconditional (but appropriate!) love, without which a child cannot live a decent life.
Substitute love
The third and most standard type of mismatched love is substitutive love. In this form of love, parents live their lives or fulfill their dreams through the life of a child. One of the most dangerous forms of substitute love is when a mother lives out her romantic fantasies or sexual desires through her daughter. The mother does this unconsciously, pushing her daughter into relationships that she herself would like to be in. The key to this phenomenon is the mother’s intrusive interest in the intimate details of the dates her daughter goes on; and the mother is sensually aroused when the daughter tells her everything. The destructiveness of this process is obvious. A teenage girl can be pushed into situations she doesn’t have the experience or maturity to handle. Pregnancy is just one of the possible outcomes. Another common result is loss of reputation. Judgment by others can damage a child’s self-esteem and self-respect for the rest of their lives.
A similar type of substitution can be with a father and son. The father, who, as it were, realizes his own sexual prowess through the victories of his son, not only harms his offspring, but also ruins the lives of those who are close to him. A young man gets used to looking at women only as an object of sexual desire, which makes it difficult for him to have emotional relationships with women, does not perceive them as equals, having the right to their own feelings and thoughts. Of course, there are many substitution options. The most destructive are described here.
The more we feel a sense of substitution towards our children, the more our love for them depends on how they behave (learn, play … the list is endless!) and thereby satisfy our insatiable (substitute!) vanity.
Let’s face the truth. We all suffer from substitutionary love in one way or another, don’t we? Last year our family found out, for example, that our 8-year-old son is an excellent baseball player. When I was sitting at the stadium, watching his game, by some strange association, my thoughts switched to those distant times when I was seriously involved in basketball in my youth. I remembered how desperately I wanted to get into the major leagues. Pain and disappointment welled up in my soul as I rejoiced at the successful throws of my son. I wonder why? What an irreparable mistake it would be if I conceitedly (here it is, vicarious love!) I try to realize through my son the failed dreams of my sports youth! It’s better to be strict with yourself.
Substitution becomes harmful when it changes our love so that it becomes dependent on the behavior of the child, i.e., in fact, becomes conditioned by love. The love that a child receives from us should not depend on our hopes and aspirations. Love for children must be unconditional.
Role reversal
The reversal of roles was described by M. A. Morris and R. W. Gould in their Child Welfare League. They defined it as «a reversal of the role of addiction as parents turn to young children for help, protection, and emotional support.»
Brand Steele and Carl Pollock in their book The Battered Child write: “These parents expect and demand too much from their young children. These demands are not only exaggerated, but also premature, clearly beyond the limits of the child’s abilities. He cannot realize what they want from him, and, accordingly, he cannot act as adults insist on it. These parents treat the child as if he is much older than he really is. When you study relationships of this kind, you get a clear impression that the parent feels insecure, unreliable at heart, doubts that he is loved, and considers the child as a source of comfort, support, expects love and comfort from him. It would hardly be an exaggeration to say: the parent himself behaves like a frightened, deprived of love and affection baby. He looks at his own child as an adult capable of radiating love and care. We see how parents have mixed two main points here: high expectations, excessive demands and, accordingly, neglect of their own interests and needs of the child, his limited abilities and his helplessness.
Role reversal is a major contributor to the frightening phenomenon of child abuse. The tormenting parent feels that his child should take care of the parent’s emotional needs, that the parent has a right to be comforted and emotionally supported by his own child. When a child fails to satisfy his emotional hunger, the parent feels entitled to punish him.
Child abuse is an extreme degree of role reversal, but to one degree or another, such a reversal is characteristic of all parents. This usually happens when we ourselves feel bad physically or emotionally. It can be depression, physical ailment, emotional or physical exhaustion. At this time, we do not have enough strength to provide emotional support to our child. In this difficult time for us, it is especially difficult for us to often look into his eyes with love, touch him with tenderness, and pay close attention to him. When our emotional or physical resources dry up, we ourselves need emotional support. It is difficult to give to others when we are so devastated ourselves that we can give little or nothing to others. When we ourselves are in such a deplorable state, it is easy to make the mistake of relying on the fact that our child will comfort us, encourage us, please us, behave like a mature, adult person, or be passively obedient. All this is not typical for a normal healthy child. If you impose this unnatural, abnormal role on a child, then he will not develop as he should. The list of possible troubles that can occur as a result of such an abnormal development can be continued indefinitely.
As parents, we shouldn’t let this happen. We need to understand that parents provide a full-fledged upbringing and strong emotional support for their children, and not vice versa. Therefore, if we cannot perform our direct parental duties properly, we must strive to restore our strength as soon as possible. Until we are able to bring up our children, we should not burden them with parental responsibilities. Of course, they can help us to the best of their ability when we are sick, but we should not think or expect them to be a source of emotional support.
As parents, we must do our best to avoid our own worthlessness and incompetence as educators. This may mean taking better care of your health to avoid illness and fatigue; for example, we as parents need a sensible diet, proper rest and physical activity. This may mean looking after your emotional health, finding hobbies or new, soul-refreshing interests to avoid depression or mental exhaustion. And what is extremely important is a strong, reliable, healthy marital relationship. Remember that we can give much more to our children if we constantly replenish our spiritual, emotional and physical reserves. And for this we need to determine what is more and what is less important in our life, set ourselves worthy goals and plan their implementation.
Don’t throw the baby out with the water
We’ve discussed the four most common types of mismatched love and a few misconceptions. Of course, these are relationships that we would all like to avoid. They are harmful to both children and parents. However, trying to avoid these mistakes, let’s not throw out the baby with the water. Let’s not make the worse mistake of depriving our child of appropriate love. This is the most commonplace of all the mistakes associated with raising children. Far more children suffer from a lack of appropriate love than from an excess of inappropriate love. Appropriate love is directed to the benefit and good of the child, inappropriate love satisfies the pathological needs and whims of the parents.