Love or War? Why do we quarrel with a partner and how to fix it

People are social beings. Close contact with a loved one is important to us. And of course, no one enters into a relationship in order to swear, spoil each other’s nerves and argue over every issue. But it happens that people who once came together on the basis of love and passion become evil neighbors to each other, and not lovers.

Let’s take a look at five paths that lead a couple to this state, and learn how to forge new paths to intimate relationships.

First road. The partner does not meet your expectations

We come into relationships with “pictures” and images that we take from the family, from communication with friends, from films like “Pretty Woman”. We come up with what our partner should be. There is nothing wrong with the pictures themselves, but problems arise if fantasy and life do not match. When the partner is different, real, not a prince or a hero, but a living person.

How to bypass this road?

• Stop running away from reality. Recognize facts, such as: “Yes, my husband is not ambitious and is content with an average income” or “Yes, my wife does not like to cook.”
• Learn how to communicate constructively instead of attacking and blaming. Not “You are a bad husband”, but “I would be glad if a hot breakfast was sometimes waiting for me on the table, this would mean care on your part for me.”
• Discuss together whether it is possible to change in the desired direction. And if possible, learn to support each other in these changes. Share how important this is to you, how it inspires and gives strength.
• If change is not possible, accept things as they are or decide what to do next. Rely on what your partner gives you, not on what he does not give. But if it’s critical, ask yourself, “What am I going to do about it?”

Second road. There is no support in your relationship

For example, a wife came home upset and talked about a conflict at work, and her husband did not support her: “What did you want? It’s her own fault! ”‎ But both of them need support in a pair. We are not able to be strong 100% of the time, sometimes you need the help of another person. we feel safe when next to a partner we can lick our wounds.

How to bypass this road?

• Give others and yourself “the right to scarcity.” It is important to see in your partner, when he feels bad, just a person – alive, sad, weak. And become his support at this moment.
• Constructively voice a request for support: “Please support me!” If you need help, ask for it – we shouldn’t and can’t read each other’s minds.
• Find out from each other what support is expressed for each. For some, this is tea with raspberries and dinner, for others it is an opportunity to talk, do something around the house or get a massage. Go through the options by experiment.

Third road. you want something different

He wants kids, she doesn’t. He wants sex at night, she wants it in the morning. He wants a motorcycle, she wants a new apartment. Our interests sometimes contradict each other – this is natural. We are different!

People are often afraid of this: “If we don’t want the same thing, we don’t go along the way, we don’t fit together!” But a clash of interests in itself does not make us enemies. But the way we resolve a conflict of interest either brings a couple together or separates them.

How to bypass this road?

• Give up trying to win. And in general – give up the war in relationships, the desire to prove, “bend”, convince. You are not on the battlefield, you are the closest people to each other.
• Be ready to hear the other person. For example, why does he not want a child in the family? What is he afraid of?
• The life of your couple is your common task. You both want to be happy. And it is necessary to divide the areas of responsibility, to strike a balance between “take” and “give”. You invest yours, partner yours.

It is necessary to clarify and agree, to find the balance that is right for your couple. For example, in a traditional family: “If you are making money, then I will provide comfort.”

Fourth road. You constantly argue about the same

The couple has resource zones – common interests, love, home. And a few pain points that cause controversy: money, sex, or, for example, homeopathy. When you manage not to step on them, everything is in order. But as long as you do not talk about these topics, tension builds up, because of which there will someday be an “explosion”. What people do not discuss and hush up, grows deep into the relationship, intensifies and becomes toxic.

How to bypass this road?

• Say what you don’t like. And offer your own version of how you can solve this situation in a different way.
• Listen to the other person. This means: do not interrupt, do not convince, do not argue. Listen and try to understand his picture of the world, to take his place. It’s hard, but you have to practice.
• Learn to speak together. It is impossible to build a happy family life in silence. Create a safe environment for dialogue and avoid attacks and tantrums. Say that conversations are critical to you. Just like sex, cooking or rent.

Fifth road. Seems like love has gone

Love is a free feeling. They are difficult to manage. It is impossible to agree with him. It’s very scary to ask yourself a question after 10-20 years of marriage: “If we don’t have love, why are we together?” But if there is love and it is mutual, then it can be a great helper in the fight against difficulties.

How to bypass this road?

• Remember: you are equal. Your opinion and the opinion of your partner are equally important. Your needs are just as important as the needs of your partner.
• You have the right to be yourself in your relationship. Respect means accepting the other person’s right to be the way they are. Being yourself means experiencing your feelings, and not focusing on the feelings of a partner. See the world differently, think differently, want your own. It is under this condition that intimacy arises – the most important quality of partnerships: “I can be with you the way I am.”
• Your relationship should be free from violence – physical and psychological. “I am a separate free person, and you can only be with me and treat me out of love. And you can do the same with you.”

Relationships are work. And if you both work on them, it helps you to get closer and overcome any obstacles on the way to happiness. On one condition – if you both want it.