Love or Wallet: How Cheating Affects Income

Why do partners change?

Remember how cool it was to go without a hat and in a short skirt in early spring, although mom wrapped us up from head to toe? Which of us did not secretly change clothes in the entrance, changing warm pants for thin tights … What did you feel then? “Now I look cool! I will be appreciated!

Oddly enough, in spite of everything, the same mechanism lies at the heart of betrayal and childish disobedience: both of these lead to an adrenaline rush. And the desire to repeat this experience quickly drags us into addiction.

To cross the line and break social norms, to be a little outside the line, but not too far – it all tickles your nerves. The heart beats faster, and the violation of the ban adds color to life. We feel at our best: “I am cool, and I can prove it! I managed!”

Cheating gives a short-term sense of self-attractiveness, returns a sense of passion, which is not present in official relationships, makes you feel like a desirable partner. This is especially evident in families where the cheater is not appreciated.

This is how self-importance overcompensation works: “My partner is unhappy with me, so I will find someone who will admire me.”

Cheating can be not only actual, but also indirect: visiting erotic massage parlors and strip clubs, buying intimate services, and even flirting by correspondence.

How are family income and infidelity related?

In family psychology, it is believed that treason is compensation. How it works? For example, if a man feels that he is underestimated, he tries to compensate for the lack of recognition on the side and get the missing emotions from the other partner.

Along with this, two financial scenarios develop: “pay off” from his wife with gifts or money, or hide the true amount of income. And most often these scenarios merge into one and further undermine the family budget.

From the point of view of business coaching, this kind of “payment for treason” is an attempt to relieve oneself of responsibility for what is happening. Often such husbands, even during a divorce, without disputes, give most of the property to their ex-wife. The logic here is simple: “I have already paid for my sins, so I can afford a relationship on the side.”

As a rule, in such cases, the official partner either does not suspect anything and enjoys regular gifts, or understands everything, but makes a choice in favor of marriage, because she cannot or does not want to be responsible for her life herself and fully provide for herself financially.

Here’s how things could play out:

• A man starts spending more time with another woman. And if earlier the focus was on work tasks, now it is shifting towards new relationships. This can affect his income and family budget.
• Fear of being declassified, constant worry and anxiety consume the lion’s share of energy. This deprives the resource for daily work tasks, concentration disappears, and, as a result, income decreases.
• In a new relationship, a man needs to “prove himself”, so he can hide his real income, not inform his wife about salary increases, bonuses, while spending a considerable part on dates and gifts for a new darling.

The changing partner is wasting basic resources—time, money, and effort—inappropriately. And the joint project called “Official Relations” in these conditions does not realize its potential at 100%.

Who and why cheats in the family

Financial problems and infidelity are, according to Russians, the cause of divorce in 68% of cases. At the same time, the financial situation of men and women differently affects the reasons why they cheat.

Ambitious, well-earning or wealthy women are more likely to cheat than modest housewives. They want to get everything out of life, including exciting new connections and relationships that they could not afford before.

Men are more likely to cheat in two opposite situations: when women earn more than them (revenge for a humiliated position) and when they are the main breadwinners in the family (“master complex”).

Most often, women on maternity leave fall into a dependent position on money and betrayal, especially if a man earns above average and has his own business. In such a situation, a man exaggerates his own importance: “I “buy” my position in the family, because I am a breadwinner.”

Such a consumer position contributes to the fact that relationships are built “top down”, and not on an equal footing. Mutual respect and attraction disappear. A man sees in a woman not a partner whom he once admired, but a performer of a household consumer function, which is also not ideal. Often both partners consider this state of affairs to be normal.

How to protect yourself from financial addiction?

When partners earn about the same, they are most respectful of each other. If the cash flows are not quantitatively equal, you need to balance the responsibility, come up with an equal contribution for everyone to the life of the family.

The most obvious solution is to take into account the actual duties of a woman in everyday life, which are translated into a financial equivalent. The services of a nanny, a cleaner, a cook are not cheap. Calculate how much your work would cost if you had to delegate it to third-party performers, and you will definitely stop devaluing this work. This way you can build financial boundaries that will keep your relationship going and earn back respect.

If the couple has agreed that there is only one breadwinner in the family, it is important to be aware of the risks and monitor how the situation develops. Harmonious relationships in which one of the partners does not use money as an instrument of power and subordination are not so common.

Statistics show that two-thirds of children after the divorce of their parents are left without alimony. Therefore, it is reasonable to take care of your financial well-being and develop financial literacy even before the decree. And then betrayal, for whatever reason it may occur, will not be the end of the world, even if it ends in divorce.