Contents
Too much love makes us vulnerable and can interfere with healthy relationships. What traps of the mind cause us to be deceived in the senses? How to change the pattern that leads to suffering? We talk about the causes of this problem and how to solve it.
Some of us may be particularly sensitive to the lack of privacy. “After all, loving and being loved is one of the most important elements of a fulfilling life and happiness,” recalls clinical psychologist David Clark.
And yet, many do not have romantic relationships. Survey data and the popularity of online dating sites and apps show that millions of people are still searching. But how do you know «true love»? How not to make a mistake and instead of hopes and joys not to receive new sufferings and disappointments? Dr. Clark cites a case from his own practice.
«The soul was waiting … for someone»
Anna is a divorced mother with two schoolchildren. By the age of 41, she was successful in her work, but personal relationships caused her a lot of pain. Before marriage, the woman went on dates, there were also serious novels. Anna attracted men, but they almost immediately ran away. The stories were like one another. Anna found someone again and again, fell in love … and the man disappeared, leaving her, rejected, in disheveled feelings. After the divorce, Anna’s new partners found online evaporated even faster than before.
As in her youth, a woman saw true love in every novel. And each time they threw it away. Why was a woman who was successful in other areas of her life so unhappy in relationships? According to David Clarke, she was the victim of a common prejudice about love flashes.
Truth in the «Illuminations»?
Many articles and books have been written about how obsessive anxious thoughts negatively affect life. But not everything that suddenly comes to our mind is painful and scary, Dr. Clark notes. Often we are visited by happy «insights».
The so-called positive thinking is useful for achieving goals in work, creativity, and when planning the future. When a person imagines his life bright, bright, filled, he feels joy and pleasure.
Why do we have such a propensity for the pleasant wandering of the mind? Firstly, positive thinking increases motivation, increases the desire to act. And secondly, in the depths of our souls, we believe that it is “insights” that are the true voice of our inner “I” and mean more than mature and meaningful ideas.
What is love here?
And what does all this have to do with love? According to Dr. Clarke, the two most important questions in a romantic relationship are whether I am in love and whether I am loved. «Insights» directly relate to the first. It suddenly occurs to us that this is “the one”.
How do we even know we’re in love? Of course, there are many signs of falling in love: neurochemical, physiological, emotional, interpersonal, behavioral, and even spiritual or transcendental.
And the state of strong passion for someone affects the way we think.
We are often distracted by rosy, romantic dreams, fantasies, thoughts about relationships, about a joint future. It is difficult for us to concentrate, it is difficult to switch attention to the current task, we are completely immersed in feelings and may consider this a sign of true love.
That was Anna’s problem. She believed that her obsessive dreams, fantasies and thoughts about her partner were an indicator of falling in love with him. But I didn’t see the whole picture, Dr. Clark notes.
Anna put too much emphasis on «insights» and forgot about other ways to determine if her love was real. Therefore, she too quickly concluded that she was in love, and this led to an increase in emotional tension in the relationship and further discord.
How to understand yourself?
Don’t completely ignore spontaneous thoughts about relationships or dismiss them as meaningless and inappropriate, writes Clarke. But there is no need to overestimate them. To understand whether we truly love or not, only interpreting our own fantasies is not enough. We must analyze what we feel next to a person, whether we are interested in him, how he behaves with us, whether he physically attracts.
In order to more comprehensively approach the issue of falling in love, Dr. Clarke recommends controlling the influence of «insights» and dreams with the help of simple steps.
1. Mindfulness
We need to be more careful with «insights». It is important to question them and remember that this spontaneity does not necessarily mean that we are in love. Maybe the tendency to daydream, obsessive thoughts, mind wandering is just an individual way of thinking.
2. Deliberate
Much of our day is devoted to purposeful and intense reflection. For example, the author is considering how best to write a text on a chosen topic. However, there are also spontaneous ideas about the article that Clark calls «inspiration».
Later, when editing the article, the author again focuses on what is important and what is not important in the final text. Sometimes you have to edit or even throw out “inspiring” pieces of an article. Why not edit our positive thoughts about relationships as well? Meditate on them. The process of reflection, as well as the interpretation of dreams, is important in love matters.
Balance of intuition and reason
“Love is evil”, “you can’t command the heart”, “follow the dictates of the soul” … Such phrases often put forward spontaneity, “enlightenment” to the main place. They reflect the prevailing prejudice that sudden thoughts reflect our true nature.
But in the search for love and healthy relationships, the mind must balance intuition, Clark reminds. Spontaneity must be combined with a deliberate, intense and thoughtful analysis of strengths and weaknesses. Only in this way can we come to a true understanding of our love and the nature of relationships.
So, if it seems to us that we are falling in love too quickly and this does not affect the relationship in the best way, it may be worth following the recommendations of Dr. Clark. It’s time to wonder if we’re overestimating our premonitions about the next romantic hero.