We try to treat strangers with respect and expect reciprocity. But sometimes we forget that a life partner deserves the same treatment. However, without respect, a happy marriage is impossible, recalls relationship consultant James Bauer.
«She doesn’t respect me, why on earth should I respect her?» Dillon leans forward, waiting for my support. But then Jayla intervenes, shrugging her shoulders indignantly: «I would respect him if he behaved like a man, and not like a teenager.» In response, Dillon glances eloquently at his wife: «See what you have to endure?»
I already know: if you keep silent, these two will start the same endless squabble: “He is mocking me! She doesn’t care about me!»
A clear picture emerges in front of me: another couple sitting on the same couch where Dillon and Jayla are now arguing. At first glance, they have nothing in common. Khoni was a rather bright personality, and her husband walked along the line. “He won’t even dare to disrespect me,” she said presumptuously.
The man next to me didn’t say a word, but I could see how tense his hunched shoulders were. Perhaps Honey managed to gain respect from him, but it seemed to me that behind this humility there was resentment and hostility.
If you no longer respect each other, stop arguing about it. Talk about it
Mutual respect is a problem for many couples. And this is no coincidence: without it there is no love. Moreover, some psychologists seriously believe that respect is much more important. You can fall in love with someone you deeply respect. But a complete lack of respect undermines the foundation of any relationship.
So what is respect?
It usually means that someone makes us admire. We have a high opinion of these people. This does not mean that we idealize them: sometimes they make mistakes and say stupid things. But minor flaws do not prevent us from seeing their bright sides.
In many spiritual traditions, all living creatures are revered. That is, in a broad sense, it is not at all necessary to love in order to respect. We choose to treat everyone with respect, regardless of personal perception. It seems that this point of view should be adhered to in a relationship.
Dillon and Jayla believed that respect had to be earned, you couldn’t just respect someone for nothing. I tried to explain to them that everything here is like in love: it is best when it is mutual, familiar and, if possible, unconditional. If you no longer respect each other, stop arguing about it. Talk about it.
Three main principles of respect to think about
1. Respect must be mutual
You are together because you love each other. If only one fell in love, and the second remained indifferent, there would be no relationship. The feeling must be mutual. Respectfully the same. If you respect him and he neglects you, this is not a healthy relationship, but a power struggle. Over time, she will concentrate in the hands of someone who refuses to respect a partner.
Honey thought that everything was fine with her, because her husband did not dare to argue with her, but it did not occur to her to ask how he felt about this. Respect can only be mutual.
2. Respect should be habitual
People who marry in the full confidence that they will love each other until the end of the age will be severely disappointed. Love is not eternal, it comes and goes. Strong couples quickly realize that it is impossible to rely on ephemeral passion all your life. They learn to treat each other with love, even in those moments when they do not feel it. Respectfully the same.
Admiration for a partner that is, it is not. Today you consider him unsurpassed, and tomorrow you wonder how you managed to contact him. This is fine. You don’t have to revere him every day until the end of time. Just be respectful. Respect, like love, is a habit.
3. It is important to strive for unconditional respect
In most cases, love depends on conventions. No one is loved no matter what. We love people for living up to our expectations. That is why the love of mother and child is so beautiful. She is unconditional at her best. Parents never stop loving their children, even if they make them sad.
It would be great if the same selfless affection remained between partners. But this is not always the case. You will not be able to love someone who constantly fails, deceives or cheats. Everything has a limit. Respectfully the same.
Respect is never absolutely unconditional. If he cheats, you will most likely stop respecting him, and you will be right. But most men are not liars or cheaters. They are quite normal guys and try to keep the brand, just sometimes they don’t know the measure.
Respect is an essential condition for love. It is wrong to give him away as a reward for good behavior. Neither respect nor love can be denied. It is smarter to say directly: “Even if you do it your way, I will still try to respect you, because I love you.” The main thing is that the partner should also be ready to make such a promise.
Source: blog.beirresistible.com