Contents
Every girl dreams of mutual love. If one manages to meet a soul mate, then others are pathologically unlucky. They turn to manuals for winning men for help and use any tricks designed to stir up passion. We explain why manipulations lead to dependent relationships, and the search for the ideal man and the provocation of jealousy do not work.
Why is she lucky again and I’m not? She is fat and old.
My client, a beautiful, well-groomed Natasha, does not understand why she is always unlucky in love, and an old and fat (as much as 35 years old and 46 size) friend again successfully marries. The girl also wants mutual love, but for some reason she has no luck all the time, but she tries so hard. I even decided to go to a psychologist.
— Natasha, what do you think, what determines luck in love?
— Well, firstly, beauty and sexuality are very important. It is also necessary that a man understands that I will not meet with anyone, I need to win and take care of me. It is important to be jealous, men love to compete.
How can I convey to her the idea that in her words about relationships there is absolutely no interest in another living person?
In general, I noticed that those who are unlucky in love have something in common. Sometimes these are people who just like to fall in love. Feel «butterflies», conduct internal dialogues, admire from afar, draw from this all the desire to live, create, enjoy. But such people do not have unhappy love, because they are self-sufficient in their feelings.
Those who suffer serially in relationships (from unrequited feelings or from the fact that the other loves not as we would like), are united by the ability to fall in love exclusively with inappropriate people. Or the partner begins to cause strong feelings only after he quit. In both cases, instead of getting upset, worrying and going in search of someone else, the sufferer sticks to a partner and turns him into the meaning of life.
Emotional hunger, fear of loneliness and rejection, low self-esteem and manipulative strategies are usually at the center of such relationships.
But perhaps this is a completely different case?
Tell us about your most memorable relationship with a man.
— I don’t even know … I had many meetings and relationships, but the greatest love seems to many to be some kind of illusory. We met on the Internet and almost immediately began to communicate often and for a long time. He told me so much about himself, I told him too. Then I realized that this is exactly what I have been waiting for all my life. You know, I got up in the morning, and from him there was already a message: “Good morning, my love! I missed you».
— What happened next?
“Then we met and he left me,” she said and began to cry.
«Losers in love» is a sentence?
What associations do you have with the words «unrequited love»? I have tears, night calls, alcohol, diets. Everyone can add something from personal experience to this list.
Tell me, when you come to the store and there, for example, there is no favorite milk, what do you do? It is unlikely that you run to the store manager to demand that you immediately get exactly the same milk. I also doubt that you start sobbing right above the shelf and instead of milk you buy a bottle of vodka to drown out misfortune. And hardly move away, take on an independent look and pass by, imperceptibly sideways to the place where it should have stood. I think that you accept defeat quite easily and buy milk from another manufacturer.
Of course, milk is not love. Not an elevated feeling, but food, or rather drink. But after all, the other person is also not the only one in the Universe, besides, unlike milk, he has desires or unwillingnesses that can and should be respected. By the way, if you were once such an unrequited love, did you wonder what the other wants? Not what would you like to give him, but what does he himself need? Unlikely.
For clarity, let’s go back to Natasha’s story. She found a partner on an Italian dating site. They could not meet quickly, so they often and for a long time communicated in instant messengers. We talked about literature, art, history and sex. Not detached, as about the subject of literary creativity, but very concretely, talking about his desires and fantasies.
Naturally, after a few months, Natasha realized that he was the one
But by that time, she already knew that one had to fight for love, nothing just happens, so she armed herself with seduction training aids and began to test the techniques. For example, the favorite trick was this: suddenly drop out of the conversation and disappear from the messenger, imagining how he suffers there at that time. Then suddenly send a seductive letter to stir up passion. Thus, she thought that she was guaranteed to bind her partner to her.
After some time, they met in Rome, but circumstances so developed that there was only one night for the meeting. Natasha was very worried, tired, but immediately upon meeting she began to demonstrate passion. It was written in her books that it was important. In addition, all the previous months she diligently created the image of a sexy beauty.
The evening’s program went according to plan. But after this meeting, the beloved disappeared. But she already had a relationship with him (albeit rather imaginary). After all, he was already almost a husband, all his friends knew about him, such plans were assigned to him. But for some reason he did not want to climb into her grocery basket, like milk from a store shelf.
Then there were tears, depression, her unanswered letters, hatred. Everyone felt sorry for her and said that the Internet is full of scammers and there is no need to worry about such a heartless jerk. Only few people understood — and certainly not Natasha — that on her part in these relations there was little sincerity and feelings for another person. And she didn’t have an exact understanding of what he was looking for in a relationship, or at least a desire to find out about it.
In a dependent relationship, in which Natasha caught herself, there is no openness
On the other end of the wire is usually also a person who is not inclined to real relationships. So it turns out that the right (even complementary) interlocutor always picks up the phone. Just because a healthy person quickly gets bored with these games of «love — hate.»
Halves suitable for addiction always recognize each other by a familiar facial expression, look, eyebrow break and other small signs and begin to play catch-up, because they don’t know how otherwise, because there were no examples of sincere relationships in the past. In addition, sincerity is vulnerability, which is tantamount to weakness, and the weak are beaten. Is that what you were taught as a child?
Natasha, in fact, did not need a feeling, but the status of a married girl, moving to a sunny country, a prestigious husband who would take care of her. That is why she tried so hard and was afraid that of her own free will, just like that, no one would satisfy her needs. So, you need to cheat, creatively approach the task, force. Did not work out. Another game was not interesting to such an extent. Or interesting, but not with her.
Manipulation is the only and automatic scenario of dependent relationships. You know, like in a cuckoo clock, where one tune every hour, which is different from Bohemian Rhapsody, like love hunger from love. After all, love is a feeling, and hunger is the need to plug your voids with others.
What to do?
1. Don’t set your own traps
Understand that the nets are made by your hands. If you are looking for the perfect man in every way, then you are in the right place. You can’t reach the ideal, he can only try to show and prove that you are the best girl worthy of love. In order to prove this fact, you will again have to pretend, manipulate and build relationships not on love, but on dependence, experiencing a wild fear of being exposed and losing the happiness you have won.
If the search for an ideal is your case, then you need to start growing up a little, that is, learn to provide yourself not only financially, but also emotionally
When you confidently stand on your own feet, the list of requirements for men will greatly decrease, because you yourself will be able to satisfy some of the needs. And you won’t have to stretch so painfully to an equal partner.
2. Don’t be afraid to lose your sexiness
The fact is that aggressive sexuality, a constant desire to impose competition for oneself and cause jealousy in a partner are more often signs of a mistress. In family life, people seek comfort and intimacy, not Shakespearean passions. It’s not about putting on a bag and wrapping yourself in a scarf. With new acquaintances, at the first stage, you can simply understand whether you are interesting to each other, and then take seductive poses.
3. Learn to ask yourself questions
Why do I need another person? What can I give him? Why am I bored with myself? If you understand that you have nothing to interest the other, that you need him to make life more interesting, to replace friends, parents, then you give signals of weakness and dependence. They are resorted to or potential sadists, or lovers for one night. Why? Few people want to devote their whole lives to a helpless egoist. Accordingly, find unfilled gaps in yourself and understand how to fill them yourself.
4. Don’t be afraid to get too strong
Do not worry that, having become independent, you will begin to attract only weaklings and losers. Such characters are interested in women stuck in the parenting role. Those who are used to deciding for others what is best for them, who do not respect other people’s boundaries and climb with advice without asking.
Growing up and becoming a parent to everyone around you is not the same thing.
What will you gain as a result of these steps? Change. Looking ahead, I will say that Natasha began to slowly learn to live with herself outside of relationships. To entertain, to please oneself, to be distracted and interested in something outside of marriage. Soon she discovered that there are a lot of interesting things in her life and she does not need a husband.
Moreover, she had many topics for conversation with potential suitors, it turned out that she could interest a man not in sex alone. There was a desire to build trusting relationships not out of a sense of need, but simply because it is better with another person than without him. The skills of autonomy helped her find a partner and get married.