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You spend the whole day with your loved one and feel like you are in seventh heaven. But the next day, he (she) does not answer your calls — and you are seized by anxiety, anger, despair. What is addiction? Test yourself, advises family therapist Darlene Lanser.
The development of emotional dependence is like falling into a black hole: you think that everything is in order, but you do not notice the moment when everything changes. Your life is filled with anxiety, irritation, painful fantasies. The world is distorted, and the interests of the beloved are at its center. If a partner is prone to manipulation and psychological vampirism, such a relationship can turn into a disaster.
You feel like you can’t live without him/her
Addiction is the need for someone who we think can fill the void in our lives. When you feel that you are alone and you can rely only on yourself, someone will come and stretch the lifeline — someone who can listen, help, whom you can completely trust. But love is not a need.
A healthy mutual feeling is possible only between self-sufficient people. A person prone to addiction does not have a clear identification and personal boundaries: «I am me.» Instead, he thinks, «I don’t know who I am.» His personality gets mixed up with the personalities of those he interacts with.
In any healthy relationship, there is always a period of idealization. But when it passes, love remains
As a result, such a person becomes obsessed with the object of his immense love. This behavior is fueled by the illusion: «The closer I am to you, the clearer my identity.» By firmly tying his «I» to the personality of another, the dependent person loses free will and the ability to exist separately.
You want everything from him (her) at once
It seems to us that the object of our interest should embody everything that we expect from it. We throw on him the whole burden of our ideas about the ideal. These can be mutually exclusive requirements: for example, it is important for us that the other understands perfectly and respects our desires, but at the same time he can make all important decisions for us. Sooner or later, such an attitude will lead to disappointment and a desire to “correct” reality.
In any healthy relationship, there is always a period of idealization. But when it passes, love remains (if it is). As the relationship develops, the trust between the partners grows and they become closer. Instead of trying to remake a partner if he does not satisfy our ideas about him in some way, we accept him.
Healthy and dependent relationships develop in different directions. In dependent relationships, we believe that «magic», «chemistry» will do the main work. In healthy people, we are constantly working, learning and getting to know our partner. And our love grows through trials.
You want your partner to belong only to you
Dependent relationships are often filled with jealousy. It arises from uncertainty and sometimes reaches the dimensions of clinical paranoia. An addicted person thoroughly studies the pages of his lover on social networks, analyzes his every word and look, and can even arrange for him to be shadowed. And this despite the fact that he may not even suspect about it and not consider the relationship serious.
True intimacy involves quiet trust. Of course, even good relationships are not free from doubts. But a trusting person first believes and only then suspects. He calmly accepts the fact that his partner is in contact with many different people, among whom there are also very attractive personalities. If you need undivided control over your beloved, this is a sign that you are addicted and are afraid to break it.
It seems to you that there is a mysterious connection between you
People around you may think that there is nothing in common between you, that your relationship is full of quarrels and resentments. But you refuse to believe: it seems to you that it is he who understands you like no one else. This is the work of the unconscious. It pushes us towards those in whom we see a reflection of our unconscious ideas about ourselves.
If you are stressed and feeling vulnerable, if you subconsciously feel that you need help, you will attract people who feel the same way. You will not be aware of the dangers because the situation itself will seem familiar. But this feeling is deceptive: such a relationship will only feed your vulnerabilities and strengthen neurotic traits.
About the Author: Darlene Lanser is a family therapist who specializes in working with codependent relationships.