Books, films, TV programs and, of course, popular music teach us that “you can’t command the heart”, that it’s impossible to resist the surging feelings. But what if it isn’t? What if attraction, passion, attraction, adoration, being in love are all feelings, while love is choice and action?
We are used to believing that we are just falling in love, and we do not give any additional explanations for this. But in fact, we rather make a choice — to be with a person, stay close to him and love him. So says sociologist Brooke Meredith.
She suggests imagining the following situation: you met someone you really like — so much so that you decide to go on a date with him or her, then another and another. You look forward to each of these meetings with trepidation and anticipation, but suddenly something very important happens in life — for example, you are offered a dream job related to moving to another city or country.
And in this case, you will most likely stop communicating with a potential partner simply because your head will be occupied by others, and you are not ready to invest in relationships at a distance. Which means you choose not to fall in love with that person. Terminate a process already in progress. Yes, that’s also possible.
Love does not happen to us overnight. It takes time to truly love someone — hundreds of hours spent together in a variety of situations. Love requires face-to-face communication in different circumstances.
It’s easy to get attracted to someone. Experience attraction and passion too: this happens even on the first date. These feelings are really difficult to resist (even if you are infatuated with someone “not the right one” — for example, a married man) and easy to confuse them with love, but this is not her. Love takes time, Brooke Meredith is sure.
Love is not an emotion or a feeling. This action and choice is a million choices we make
Throughout life, most people experience a variety of feelings for different people, the question is what we do next: resist attraction or take a step towards love. Love means certain actions and behaviors.
To love means:
- choose to stay with a partner, even if it is not easy for him right now, because this person means a lot to you;
- invest your soul in relationships, spend time and effort on their development;
- feel attracted to someone else, but choose to stay with a partner, if such is the agreement within the couple;
- be included, reliable, responsive, listen and hear;
- make sacrifices if necessary: work less to spend more time together, move after a partner to where he was offered a job;
- be interested in what is happening in his life and fascinates him, attend events that are interesting to him.
Loving someone, we experience a whole range of feelings: euphoria, warmth, excitement, fullness, excitement, calmness, desire. Yet love as such is not an emotion or a feeling. This action and choice is a million choices that we make.
The choice to come home on time, if promised, to listen carefully to a partner who shares problems at work. The choice to give birth or adopt a child, buy an apartment. Stay together despite the hardships. We make all these choices day after day, throughout the years we love someone, not passively, but actively: staying together, going through hardships, trying new things, and having fun.
Love continues because we choose to forgive. We choose to focus on the good, on the best qualities of the partner, and not on his shortcomings. Love continues because we choose to love it over and over again.