Relationships that we have in childhood determine our behavior in love. But in life there is nothing set once and for all: you can learn to love differently at any age.
The French psychiatrist Boris Tsiryulnik reflects on what love is and how it happens.
Psychologies: To love, to be loved — why is it so difficult to find a balance?
Boris Tsirulnik: Because balance is impossible! In love life, the only possible balance is routine, the death of feelings. In love, as in all other human affections, two living people meet. Since each of them develops in his own way — both on his own and within relationships in a pair — the balance can only be temporary. Moreover, life itself is constantly changing — biologically, sensually and socially.
“To love, to be loved” — is this formula correct? Here there can be no once and for all set ratio: one “or” another, give “or” receive. It is better to have one “and” the other, alternately, in different ways at different moments, with different intensities.
When two people in love talk, look at each other, touch each other, they interact affectively. From this mutual influence, a new world arises: the worlds of man and woman, united, create a third world that exists between them and at the same time surpasses them.
And this is true not only for lovers. Such a space arises with any emotional connection: between mother and child, between friends, colleagues. Two beings create a special world by the very fact that they are together.
And what exactly is a love affair different from all the others?
The feeling of love fills me in a narcissistic sense: I am filled with the idea that I have formed for myself about another person, I am filled with my need for him. This very personal idea can sometimes have nothing to do with reality.
Some lovers are in love with their idea of another, and not at all with what they know about him.
But love is a contagious feeling, and the other may well agree with this view of himself and perceive it as love. Then he will love because they love him. But people develop, and the day may come when the «beloved» will be annoyed at the «loving». This is where the breakdown of relationships in a couple begins.
Does the love of parents affect how we love ourselves?
The connection we have with our parents in childhood teaches us a certain “way” to love. From the very beginning, mother and baby create the third world that we have been talking about.
Usually the first connection is established with the mother, but if, say, the mother died or abandoned the baby, the connection will arise with the one who cares for the child: with the father, nanny, grandmother. At a month and a half, the baby is already able to predict the style of relationships and adapt to it. As you can see, this training starts very early.
So there are different styles of emotional connections?
English psychiatrists Mary Ainsworth and John Bowlby identified four types: «protected» children, ambivalent children, «avoidant» children, and children in distress. Studies show that 65% of children, regardless of the country, type of culture or social status of their parents, by 10-12 months learn a «protected» type of attachment from their mother, if she herself learned it in childhood or thanks to her husband.
Conveyed through gentle words and caresses, this attachment allows the child to make new connections. First with the outside world at the stage of first discoveries, then with other people and finally with ideas, with the world of abstractions.
Are there many other children?
Every third child does not learn this «protected» style of relationship, in which he feels safe. This is because the mother, due to personal history, has not been able to create this type of bond with the child. He can manifest this lack of security in different ways.
For example, through ambivalent (dual) emotional manifestations: when the mother returns after a long absence, he first rushes into her arms, and then bites or beats her. This behavior speaks of anxiety: loving you causes me suffering, so I punish you.
If I have internalized a “protected” type of relationship, I will show that type of attachment.
Or through the «avoidant» style of relationships: the child does not express emotions, does not scream with joy when happy, he is too calm. By the way, later it will be difficult for him to express what he feels. And finally, the most rare case. From 5% to 10%, depending on the type of culture, are children who are completely deprived of love: children of war, the homeless, homeless orphans.
So, it means that absolutely everything is laid down in childhood?
This is a general scheme that reflects the main trends. But there is nothing immutable — we change over time. Thus, during adolescence, a quarter of «protected» children lose their security when a sexual desire appears that frightens them.
Conversely, many insecure children become «protected» teenagers at the time of first love, when they meet a person who gives them what they lacked. And such children, who “warmed up” only as a result of a rather late experience of relationships, become parents who will never doom their children to a lack of affection.
How do «security» and «insecurity» manifest themselves in relationships within a couple?
In the unconscious choice of a partner. When it comes time to create a couple, I will build love relationships based on the affective experience I have received. If I have internalized the «protected» type of relationship, I will show that type of attachment. If I didn’t feel secure, then my attachment would be «insecure» too.
If Mr. Protected meets Miss Protected, they will create an easy and calm bond in which each can be himself without compromising the safety of the other. Mr. Insecure, on the other hand, has adopted an ambivalent relationship pattern. He will reproduce in relations with his wife what he experienced in relations with his mother.
Since his need for love continues to be a source of anxiety, he is happy only when his wife is around. As soon as she moves away, he will attack her upon her return, distraught with happiness, but will reprimand her for leaving him, deceived him, no longer loves …
Different Affective Styles Show Up in All Dimensions of Love Relationships
Let’s say Mr. Ice Sex has not learned a healthy attitude towards sexuality and therefore reads morality, is indignant, criticizes. Having met Ms. Sexbomb, who feels great in her body, because she was inspired with a sense of security, he will avoid her. But with Miss Timid Sex, his relationship may develop more successfully: such a relationship may turn out to be happy, although not very erotic.
«Protected» can be happy with «unprotected»?
Certainly. How many «protected» girls love «unprotected» men, needing to pretend to be a nanny. They don’t match in affective style, but they will bond with each other. Gradually, Miss Protected can teach Mr. Insecure to love her differently.
Can you change your way of loving, learn to love differently?
Yes, because we are constantly learning. When you ask adults about their love failure, you see that the «protected» view this experience as constructive, while the «unprotected» deny it. But you can improve your style in a relationship. In the assimilation of new models, the main influence on us is the environment. From the nursery to the nursing home, a person does not stop changing under the influence of other people.