They live a normal life, communicate, work, have fun. But they don’t have sex. Not because they don’t want to, but because «it just doesn’t add up.» What prevents adults from losing their virginity?
Today, when sex life is not condemned by society (rather even welcomed), some still remain virgins. Some deliberately refuse to have sexual relations before marriage for religious or other reasons. Others just «get it.»
The first if there are problems, then later. And the “virgins involuntarily” are burdened by their condition, sometimes they begin to be ashamed of it, but the further, the more difficult it is for them to decide on physical intimacy.
Elena contacted me a year ago. Bright, interesting, sociable … in all her 28 years she kissed a young man only once. She has no prejudice, she does not think that sex is wrong or sinful. But it doesn’t add up.
Elena is a journalist, travels a lot, participates in secular parties. Everything is available, there are a lot of men around … It seems that this is what prevents it! “With the first one that came across — why? And I don’t feel attracted to anyone, ”says Elena. “I fell in love several times, but not mutually.” The non-reciprocity here is not accidental: Elena has a very high level of anxiety, and she is afraid to open up, to let someone close.
They view sexuality as something self-sufficient. The question of sex for them is not about relationships, but about themselves
Boris is 24 years old, he is, as they say, a “cool IT specialist”, makes excellent money, is free, lives alone. But he avoids girls. He is not sure of himself: “What if I fail?” But I am sure that it depends only on him how good the partner will be. Hence the hyper-responsibility: you need to be on top! In addition, his friends vying to talk about what fantastic orgasms they give to girlfriends, who are changed like gloves. Listening to Boris, I understand that this is empty bragging, it just doesn’t happen that way. But he believes them!
In his imagination, he painted a portrait of a superlover, from which, of course, he is far from. So far, the young man is thinking: maybe pay attention to the ugly girls? As if they don’t deserve sex as good as the beauties, or it will be easier to get an «unsatisfactory» rating from them.
I notice that my virgin clients often view sexuality as something in itself. The question of sex for them is not about relationships, but about themselves. “The first time” is like an exam, a litmus test that will show all my qualities: what am I in bed, what kind of lover am I? And continue to live with it.
We all remember our first time. And I want this memory to be not ashamed, not sad, but tender
They forget that the “first time” is not a single event, it is followed by a second, third … “Remember the lessons of physical education,” I suggest. “The first jump was not very successful for many, but then we learned.”
According to WHO, the average age of loss of virginity is 16,8 for girls and 16,6 for boys. At this age, experiments, both physical and emotional, really come easier. What about those who «did not have time»? Remember that sex is not an exam with grades, but an activity for two. And do not hide your inexperience from your partner. Firstly, this is unlikely to succeed, and secondly, he or she will most likely want to help the “newbie”. And this help can bring pleasure to both.
We all remember our first time. And I want this memory to be not ashamed, not sad, but tender, even if a little funny. And that requires a relationship with others. Not necessarily with an eye on durability, but warm and trusting “here and now”.