Article by Khan Sarah Radcliffe
“Parents are responsible for the education of their children and the formation of their character; in the family it is necessary to establish parental authority and achieve discipline, resorting, when necessary, to punishment. It is impossible to raise children without teaching them discipline and obedience. Being born, the child does not understand the difference between good and evil, truth and error — he is «wild, like a young donkey.» He is not able to be guided by moral considerations, on the contrary, he instinctively strives to do only what pleases him. It is the duty of parents to guide their children on the right path, no matter how difficult the task may seem to them. Of course, it is impossible to cope with it without true parental love, i.e. love, which makes you do everything for the benefit of your children, and not look for easy ways in education. “He who spares the rod hates his son, and he who loves him [son] punishes from childhood.” In other words, parents do not avoid the difficulties that are inevitable in the struggle for discipline, and in this way they ensure healthy moral development for their children.
What are the difficulties associated with discipline? Firstly, it is not easy for parents to endure the discontent of the child, to see his tears, to listen to complaints and whims — all this is unpleasant, especially if the child flatly refuses to obey. Parents instinctively want their children to be constantly satisfied and happy. It is not easy to suddenly become a clear cause of grief — even if temporary. Another difficulty is in choosing the right educational tactics in each individual case. What punishment to choose, how to force children to unquestioningly fulfill parental requirements, how to avoid repeating misconduct in the future? Some punish excessively severely, others — on the contrary, not severely enough and too rarely. In the subtle art of discipline, it is necessary to acquire knowledge and skill.
However, knowledge and skills alone are not able to solve all educational problems. Perhaps the greatest difficulty is connected with the need to constantly control oneself. Even when parents have practical skills and a correct understanding of the essence of the educational process, emotions often prevent them from using their knowledge in a timely and restrained manner. Anger, disappointment, impatience, embarrassment, helplessness disturb their mental balance, and they choose the wrong pedagogical means. Thus, the process of effective discipline must necessarily be accompanied by emotional training of parents.
Additional difficulties arise when parents are not sufficiently aware of the importance of discipline. They sometimes believe that there is no need to establish power in the house, it is much more important to create an atmosphere of love, tolerance and mutual respect. They do not understand that teaching a child to discipline is a manifestation of love. Without discipline, an unpleasant personality can grow out of him, from which the parents themselves will turn away. We will be of no use to our children if we cannot, when necessary, rein them in and guide them in the right direction.
On the contrary, we raise them with our own hands as losers and outcasts in life. Our unwillingness to persistently insist on proper behavior will make it difficult for the child in the future to choose the right way of life, will lead to conflict with the requirements of the Torah and clashes between him and those around him. Because he escaped the brief chagrin of being punished as a child, he may end up with a long, joyless life.
However, we repeat, power and discipline must be built on love. The calmer and more reliable the child feels in the family, the easier it is to guide and discipline him, because he sincerely wants to please his parents. Moreover, where love is not felt behind strictness and punishment, hostility and alienation are born in the child. This is an unhealthy discipline. If the child feels coldness, he will cease to obey any authority, to be afraid of everyone and everything. He will endure any punishment, stubbornly refusing to obey. (This happens—but to a lesser extent—to children who feel they are not loved enough.) Direct methods of discipline are usually ineffective in raising such children. Only successful pedagogical tactics can ensure success. They can be effective when the child’s mind has the confidence that he is loved. Rabbi Yoel Schwartz briefly explains:
The fundamental principle in raising children is “the left hand (i.e. discipline) repels, and the right hand (i.e. love and kindness) brings closer.” But, despite the fact that the words about the «left hand» come first, the «right hand» is more important than the left, because it gives the child the necessary feeling that he is loved. A child will submit to discipline only if it is based on love, because then he understands that strictness is for his own good, because his parents love him and try to help him improve his behavior.
So, Jewish parents need to accustom children to discipline, to inspire fear in themselves, to bring them up in fear of the Almighty, to instruct children on the right path.