Love and discipline — How to combine? (K. Shershneva, L. Deputatova)

Review of the book «Love and discipline — how to combine»

This book is a sample of a practical guide that has collected more than 70 exercises that increase parental competence. The focus of the exercises: the ability to establish a child’s daily routine. accustom him to order, speak politely and think what you are saying, remove complaints and unnecessary emotions, be able to ask and thank for help. In general, to increase self-control, self-discipline, positive thinking, as well as the Author’s position of both the parent and the child. It is important that the exercises educate both the children and the parents themselves at the same time, while creating a community of interests, values ​​and, at a minimum, common games and topics for discussion in the family.

The book is more than useful, but it has a clear target: it is aimed at an audience of caring and educated parents interested in raising children with moral principles and leadership potential. This is not about difficult children in families where parents were not up to them, but about good children in families where parents set the task «Our children should be better than us»!

The book is a godsend for practicing psychologists specializing in parent-child relationships.

About the book

This book is intended for a wide range of readers. It will be useful to parents of preschoolers, educators, child-parent relationship psychologists, as it is designed specifically for the practical work of an adult and a child. And the main focus of the book is building a warm, trusting relationship between parents and children and understanding the importance of rules and discipline in raising children. The book is designed in such a way that the exercises can be performed in a different order, in parallel combining them with each other. Thus, parents can simultaneously work on the formation of harmonious relations in the family and discipline. The book is unique in that it teaches parents to communicate intelligently with their children and build relationships consciously. It presents 70 practical exercises, by performing which parents will learn to manage their condition, interact with their children, enjoy their upbringing and will be able to increase the level of awareness in relationships. These are basic skills and knowledge that parents will need for life and without which it is impossible to raise a happy and successful child.

From the authors

The idea of ​​creating this book came to me while studying at the University of Practical Psychology in 2020. At that time I was a first-year student with two small children. Studying at a university at a distance (a self-development system founded by Professor Nikolai Ivanovich Kozlov), where students work together on themselves, introducing new habits and skills, their behavior and attitude, I was convinced from my own experience that any knowledge is useful only when it is applied and are worked out in practice, brought to the level of habitual actions. Only then can a person really change himself.

Since I specialize in the issue of raising children, I can say that now there is a lot of different information that can be found on the Internet and in books, and often it is very contradictory and has no structure, what it is for and how to apply it. And I had the idea to structure it and create a practical guide for parents in the semblance of a distance, so that parents would not just read the book, try something once and forget, but so that they could practice the techniques in practice, gradually introducing them into their lives. Of course, I understand that working in a team, like in a university, where everyone goes in the same direction, supports each other, asks questions that arise in the course of working on oneself — such a process is difficult to organize with the help of a book. But I am sure that even on your own you can change a lot if you set yourself such a task. And our book will definitely find its parents who want to change and build a conscious relationship with their children.

I began to deal with issues of raising children in 2017 from the moment of the birth of my first child. Now I am a mother of two preschoolers and I know how difficult it can be to educate them. The knowledge and new insights that I received during 2 years of study at the university, as well as on the course of Marina Konstantinovna Smirnova (School of Happy Parents) helped me to establish myself in my idea of ​​​​creating a special step-by-step guide for moms and dads.

And together with my dear colleague Lyudmila Deputatova, we embodied this idea, which I am very happy about, and I am sure that our book will benefit many parents.

There are so many good books on parenting! I myself have read many publications on pedagogy, psychology and management — about 500 different works. Many books call for loving a child and setting rules. But how? Where can I get specific advice?

And what if you have instructions for raising a child? It’s simple: do it once, do it twice… If it doesn’t work, then do it three times!..

That would be great!

It all depends on us, on the parents — what emotions we show the child and what words we say. These are all habits, specific skills. And, like any skill, it can be developed.

This book is unique precisely in the development of parenting skills, easy syllable and practical approach.

Why am I doing this?

My name is Lyudmila Deputatova, I am a psychologist, teacher, candidate of economic sciences, author of more than 70 scientific publications on the topic of motivation and emotional intelligence, author of a patented method for improving relations with a child, approved by doctors of pedagogical and psychological sciences, author of emotional game simulators KIDS, School KIDS, PRO Fears, Live&Love, expert of the online school «School of development of emotions» and mother of two preschoolers.

I am glad that psychologist Kira Shershneva and I managed to implement this idea of ​​developing communication skills with a child into specific exercises that allow you to quickly give the desired result to the parent and child in the family.

I want to wish you happy parenting!

Thanks

We would like to express special thanks to:

— Marina Konstantinovna Smirnova — for the invaluable experience and knowledge gained in the «School of Happy Parents» course, which served as the idea and basis for writing this book.

— Nikolai Ivanovich Kozlov — for a new look and expansion of understanding of many issues of raising children and, of course, for the huge contribution to the development of each of us and the knowledge and skills gained that have changed our lives.

— The University of Practical Psychology — for the opportunity to make this project within the university, for the support, valuable information and practical skills that we received during our studies.

— Synthon approach — for a positive, constructive and responsible approach to raising children and yourself!

Introduction

«You are my favorite baby!» — each mother usually says, looking at her growing tummy, in which the first jolts and tangible contact with the child only appear. A mother already loves her child before he is born. How much warmth and tenderness she is ready to give to her baby!

And there are usually many illusions here. Everyone really wants this love and tenderness in a relationship with a baby to always be. Why illusions? Because real life is different. It contains not only love and joy, but also has its own laws, rules that must be followed and taught to the child. In life, you have to work hard to achieve something.

Children who grew up in «hothouse» conditions are not accustomed to difficulties. And when such children get into school and face the reality of life, they have a very difficult time.

Moreover, children, who always get what they want, become more demanding of their parents and do not feel gratitude towards them at all. For them, this becomes the norm: parents “owe” them all this. And then parents are surprised how such ungrateful children grew up in them, because they did everything for them!

Think about what future and what kind of relationship you want with your child?

There is another facet of education: when the house is full of restrictions and requirements: “Step to the left, step to the right — execution!” The child grows under full parental control. Where does the joy of life come from in him, the desire to develop and give good to the world? They didn’t teach him this, they didn’t show it to him, they didn’t give it to him. Such a child most often grows up aggressive, because he is used to getting attention with bad behavior. Otherwise, they did not pay attention to him! Such children need to be taught love, to be given love, and only wise teachers can help them.

You will say: “These are two extremes, we are not like that!” Yes, most likely, this is true, which we are very happy about. That is why you are reading our book! But there is a bias in one direction or another in every family, if you do not consciously work on it.

How to find a balance? You need it in any business, and this book is about exactly how to maintain this balance in raising children — how to combine love and discipline so that your children grow up to be worthy, happy people, ready to achieve a lot in life and share it with others!

Our book is very practical. We have collected for you the best techniques and recommendations, based on the works of the most modern and effective teachings on parenting, and made exercises out of them, applying which you will gradually, step by step, change your life and build a harmonious and conscious relationship with your child.

Get ready, though: this book will only be effective if you are willing to work and change, implement it all, and practice it. Knowledge is power, but only if it is put into practice. Therefore, everything is in your hands, and it’s great!

How to work with the book — a quick guide

The book consists of four parts:

1. How to create a warm relationship with a child.

2. Communication techniques and the main mistakes of parents.

3. Rules and prohibitions.

4. Obedience. Discipline. Will development.

We recommend that you start with the first and second parts and do several exercises from there (you can do it in parallel). Why? Because warmth, love and trust in a child is the basis, the basis for building quality relationships. When there are no warm and friendly relations, it is impossible to set rules, talk about restrictions and education.

When you start working on warmth and love in a relationship and understand how best to build communication with a child, you can simultaneously start studying the third part about rules and prohibitions and take exercises from there. In this way, you will simultaneously work on building warm relationships, communication, and instilling reasonable discipline in your family.

The fourth part is about discipline and obedience. You can start working with the exercises from this part after you have mastered a few exercises from the first two parts, start building warm relationships, and only then you can work on discipline in parallel.

You can work with the book however you like. The main thing is not to rush and do the exercises that are given there. Only by practicing, you can achieve real results and see the effect.

In turn, we can definitely promise you that this exciting journey into the world of relationships with your child will bring you a lot of joy and quality results with thoughtful work. Good luck!

Recommendation: to make your work more interesting and efficient, and the results more noticeable, get yourself a special diary notebook where you will complete tasks from the book and write out the most important things for yourself. In this way, you can periodically review what you have already learned, what you are doing now, and remind yourself what, perhaps, still needs to be worked on, what to repeat and consolidate.

Part 1. How to create a warm relationship?

Chapter 1. Family Traditions and Rituals

Family traditions are very important and necessary for creating a strong, friendly and happy family. They streamline family life, strengthen relationships with children, form family unity.

Family foundations have a beneficial effect on children: the child feels secure and calm. When he grows up, he develops a sense of unity with the family, an understanding of the significance and importance of the family in his life. In the future, this gives him confidence and creates an inner core of security and trust in the world.

Family traditions support love and mutual respect in the family for many years, and also help resolve difficult situations between generations.

After these words, each of you will probably think: “What traditions do our family have and how to create them?” Now let’s figure it out!

What are family traditions?

There are three main criteria that will help traditions easily take root in your family. They should be fun, repetitive and simple!

Even small traditions contribute to the maintenance and strengthening of family relationships.

daily traditions

These are small pleasant moments that happen in your family every day. For example: reading a bedtime story; evening movie screenings every Friday; discussion at dinner of the question to whom and for what you are grateful today; discussion at the dinner table of interesting topics; gathering with the whole family for dinner and telling each other about the good and kind things that happened to you today, about the most pleasant moments and positive impressions.

Such daily traditions fill the day with positive emotions and work to strengthen relationships with children. Traditions are very important to them, as children at these moments receive your attention and they form positive emotions associated with you. Mom and dad don’t always have to be serious and demanding!

So, we propose to start by creating small, but very useful daily traditions. What traditions do you have in your family today? What can you add?

Exercise 1. «Daily Traditions»

Make a list of daily traditions that you already have in your family.

Think about what other daily traditions you can add to your daily routine. Determine when during the day you will do them.

Start implementing today! Table 1 below will help you.

Table 1. Daily traditions

Holidays and special occasions

There are traditions that happen infrequently (once a year, once a month, once every six months, etc.), but children look forward to them. For example, birthdays, New Year, Easter and other joint holidays.

Birthdays are a great occasion for new traditions. Do you have traditions for celebrating the birthdays of children, dads, moms? If not, let’s create! For example, what traditions can be on a child’s birthday?

1. After classes with the whole family, go to an amusement park or any other park for children and spend time there.

2. Make a wall newspaper with photos of the birthday boy or print out the best photos from the last year or choose a series of photos from birth until now and post them in a conspicuous place.

3. The birthday boy prepares some pleasant surprises for his parents in advance and congratulates them on his birthday in the morning.

4. The birthday boy opens his gifts gradually throughout the day. For example, one in front of the kindergarten (school), the second — after, and the third in the evening, at the festive table.

5. Mom bakes her favorite birthday cake with her child.

6. A joint trip to nature with a fire, outdoor games.

And many, many others. Any options that bring joy to the birthday man and all family members are possible!

But what if we make the most important tradition for a child’s birthday a congratulation of the mother on this holiday? And then the child learns not only to wait for gifts from others, but also prepares a gift for his mother himself. Show him the value and importance of this day for mom. After all, this is her most important holiday — the day she gave birth to him! In my opinion, this can be a wonderful tradition that children will happily carry on when they grow up and become parents themselves.

In some countries, there is a tradition not only to accept gifts from guests, but also to give small gifts to guests in return. Together with the child, you can think about what you can give guests and prepare these gifts together. It is a good tradition to care for and delight others on your holiday.

Exercise 2. «Holidays»

Make a list of holidays that you celebrate with your family (see Table 2).

Think about some nice traditions you can decorate them with to make them even more desirable and special for a child.

Table 2. Holiday traditions

Other traditions

Culinary. If you love to cook and/or want to teach your children how to do it, you can create a tradition: for example, cook some favorite dish together once a month. It can be a cake or an unusual salad, pie or something else. Maybe you will come up with something every week, for example, on Sundays, cook a delicious dinner or dessert for dad. Or make it a tradition to cook cheesecakes with jam on Sunday mornings. Turn on any fantasies!

Seasonal. You can come up with traditions that will be associated with a certain time of the year. For example, harvesting apples in the fall with making freshly squeezed juice, a delicious cinnamon pie and inventing interesting stories about autumn in the evening over aromatic tea. Winter walks on skis, skates, sleds every Sunday. Departure to the village every New Year holidays with ice slides and various snow games, in the evenings by the fireplace with reading fairy tales or telling interesting stories. Hiking in the forest with overnight stays in tents, singing by the fire and swimming in the lake every summer…

And many many others!

What other traditions could there be?

Musical evening. Choose an evening once a week/month to dedicate it to music. When everyone has to sing, play or dance something. You can combine this with listening to beautiful music, learning different styles and trends, instruments, musicians, etc.

Art evenings. Imagine how the whole family is engaged in drawing or any other joint creativity! It’s very interesting, fun and useful. Such evenings can be devoted to the study of artists, drawing styles, paints, color matching, etc. Anything that your imagination allows!

Theatrical evenings. Play together some scene, story, fairy tale. Call friends. Watch the play. Discuss the characters, their actions, behavior. How could it be otherwise? Imagine: what would happen if …

Board games are a great opportunity to have fun and usefully spend time with the whole family. What if we make it a tradition, say, weekly?

Working together can also be a great and rewarding tradition for the whole family. For example, on Saturday afternoon everyone goes out into nature to collect garbage. Or the daughter and mother are preparing Saturday dinner, and the father and son are doing useful chores around the house: fixing toys, furniture, appliances, etc.

Exercise 3. «Such different traditions»

Think about what other traditions you can create for your family? They can be culinary, musical, artistic, theatrical, etc. To make it easier, remember what hobbies you and your children have. From each of them you can come up with a tradition!

Write them down in a list to the traditions you have already compiled and think about when and where you will embody them.

Evening rituals

Evening time is favorable for a calm warm atmosphere. But does everyone get it? Think about what evening is most often in your house? Do kids go to bed at the same time or how come? Is everyone relaxed or tense because you have to force the child to put away toys, brush his teeth, coax him to go to bed when he resists and constantly finds new ways to go to bed late?

Can this be fixed and make the evening enjoyable and relaxing for the whole family? Can!

The recipe is simple, but very effective and has already helped many families: create evening rituals that are repeated every day.

Let’s say after 20:15 you need to collect toys; brush your teeth — and after that mom reads a book, and everyone goes to bed with a song before going to bed.

When the child knows what he is after, he will not need to be persuaded and forced. The main rule is to arrange actions in a certain sequence, when one event follows strictly after another. And in a series of such events, there must be something that the child wants and expects.

Then he knows that in order for his mother to read to him, he must first collect all the toys and brush his teeth. To any persuasion like “Mom, give me a book first, and then I will clean everything up and brush my teeth?” mother explains to the child: “We have such rules: first this, then this. If you want me to read to you, you need to do everything quickly now so that there is time left. Otherwise, you will immediately have to go to bed without a book, as there will be no time left. And follow your words.

If the child does not want to do everything on time, the mother does not read (method of natural consequences), and then the next day he will do everything faster in order to spend time with his mother reading a book.

What other pleasant activities can be added to the evening ritual to make the evening kind and calm?

For example, quiet, interesting conversations with a child. The child will wait for this time to spend it with mom or dad. What can you talk about at dinner or before bed?

Remember the successes and joys of the day: what new have you learned? What was interesting today? What do you remember the most?

Remember what mistakes were made today, and what they taught him, how the child coped with them. In this way, you will teach your child to calmly treat mistakes not as a tragedy, but as an opportunity to learn something. Tell about your mistakes.

Make plans for tomorrow: “Let’s think about what we have to do tomorrow? What will you do in the morning before kindergarten, what will you do in the evening? What did you not finish today and want to finish tomorrow? How many times will you stretch tomorrow morning?” — And remind the child the next day what he planned from the evening.

Thanks. This can be done as a pleasant ritual at dinner, where each family member remembers what and whom he wants to thank for today.

Good deeds: “What good did you do today? Who helped? Whom did you please?»

The game «What can you already do yourself?» A game to reinforce independence, which can be periodically played before bedtime. The child will proudly tell you what he already knows how to do himself. (thanks to P. Zygmantovich for this idea — from the author)

Exercise 4. «Evening rituals»

1) Think over the sequence of evening rituals.

Together with your child, draw a poster with pictures of what comes next and hang it in a prominent place. You can come up with a system when the child can mark whether he has already completed everything (for example, stick stickers for each completed action or one as a bonus at the end when everything is done).

Hang your prompt in your child’s bedroom and near the dinner table to talk about at dinner and before bed.

Write what you will do today.

morning rituals

Now that you have established your evening routine and made it as calm and positive as possible, it’s time to think about how to make your morning joyful. Imagine the perfect family morning. What should it be? What time do you need to wake up in order to do everything and take your time? What should follow what? What rituals can be added to your morning to make it joyful and kind?

Ideas for morning rituals:

• Turn on light pleasant wake-up music
• Hug with all family members immediately after waking up
• “Joyfully race to the shower!” / «How about a refreshing shower?»
• Light breakfast and delicious cocoa.

What other pleasant rituals can be added so that the child wants to do everything himself faster?

For example, before the garden, you have time to take a walk and go to the park. But you do this only when you have done everything quickly and go outside until a certain time (at the same time, you can teach your child to navigate time by the clock). Or read a fairy tale before leaving (similarly, if you have time). Or allow 10 minutes of watching cartoons after sleep (after making the bed, brushing your teeth and changing clothes).

The main thing is to watch what emotions prevail in your morning. After all, morning is the beginning of a new day. And we can make it the way we want!

Tip for mom: to tune in to a new day, you can wake up a little earlier than others — at least 10 minutes or more. To be alone in silence, calmly put yourself in order, do your morning chores without haste. Let it be «mom» time! A calm start to the day is the key to a calm morning. You can do exercises, work, read a book — everything that seems important to you. And then from the very morning you will feel that the day began with useful deeds.

Exercise 5. «Morning rituals»

Write a list of activities and events that you have every morning. Add there events that are pleasant for children, which they will be waiting for, but they will be able to receive only after doing the necessary things.

Draw a poster of your morning with your child in the same way as in the evening and hang it in a prominent place.

Enter mom time. Wake up at least 10-15 minutes earlier than others. Plan for a quiet morning. Do something important for yourself!

Congratulations! You have created for yourself a new good and joyful morning and a calm spiritual evening. Added useful strengthening rituals and started applying, right? Remember, only with practice you can change something in your life! Knowledge alone is not enough. So if you haven’t already, put the book down right now, grab a pen and paper, and go back to your previous assignments.

Rituals throughout the day

Similar to how we did for the morning and evening, you can add small pleasant rituals throughout the day. This will increase the overall level of positive emotions, and will also work for a positive emotional bond between parent and child.

What rituals can be added during the day?

Here are some ideas:

1. Hugs. How often do you hug a child? Hugs are support, creating a warm relationship. When we hug, we produce the hormone oxytocin, which is responsible for reducing feelings of anxiety, causes a feeling of calm next to a partner, and increases the level of trust.

It is no coincidence that even for adults, hugs help to feel better. Teach your child to say that he wants your attention. For example: «Mom, let’s hug!»

2. Pictures of joy. While walking with your child or in some beautiful place, ask him what he sees now, what he hears and feels, what smell, maybe even taste. This involves 5 centers of perception of the surrounding world and turns on conscious attention, directing it to positive moments.

Such pictures of happiness can be used as mood boosters at times when the child is sad or not in a very good mood.

“Remember we went to the river?.. What did you see, hear, feel then?”

3. Physical activity during the day is the best mood booster for all family members! And what if we add joint active games to the daily routine?

4. Laugh together. How often are you relaxed and able to laugh with your child? Over what, even the most ridiculous, but funny for a child? Just fool around, fight with pillows, lie on the bed, tell each other something fun and funny! Make it a rule to allow yourself to just relax and have fun with your child.

Exercise 6. «Rituals during the day»

Schedule the rituals above in your daily routine. Even these 4 rituals will make your communication with your child more joyful and warm.

Think about what other rituals you can add to your child’s daily routine? Something that will unite you and him.

Chapter 2

Get ready. This is one of the most important exercises in our book. Without this skill, it is very difficult to build warm relationships in the family. But, having mastered it, you will become much happier and calmer. And this is the key to warm and harmonious relationships with the people around you. So take it seriously and responsibly.

In fact, the exercise is very simple: you need to learn how to relax next to your child — and not only! Just relax.

What does it mean? Pay attention to the state you are in with your children. And you will be surprised. Most likely, most of the time you are collected, constantly in control of everything, this causes internal tension, and as a result, you get irritated, worried, tired. Most often, parents can relax only after they put the children to bed or took them to the kindergarten.

Watch, how are you? Are there many moments when the children are around and you are relaxed and in a good mood at the same time?

Fortunately, we can control our condition ourselves, and you know how to do it. It’s a matter of habit. The main idea is to first learn to notice your condition, and then you can correct it. You just need to practice a little!

Exercise 7

Learn to notice your condition. Observe yourself during the day: how do you feel next to the child? Are you preoccupied with something, anxious, irritated, fussing? Or are you calm, joyful and relaxed? And what state are you in when there are no children around?

Make a sign and note your condition every hour (see Table 3). Maybe more often. This will allow you to understand what state you are in most often and in what situation you have tension. Do this exercise every day for at least a week. Then you will learn to monitor your condition and see in what situations you have tension.

Table 3. My condition

Exercise 8. «Where is the tension in the body?»

Second week. Once you have learned to notice your state, you can change it! This week, continue to write down your states, note where there is tension in the body, a clamp.

​Check the face (forehead, eyebrows, lips, teeth), shoulders, chest muscles, arms, legs. Where do you feel tension? Relax. Happened?

In order to better learn to notice exactly where tension occurs in the muscles, you can do the following exercise: tighten all the muscles in the body for a few seconds, and then release. Do this several times. Now you know how tension and relaxation feel in the body.

So, the task for the week: set yourself a reminder every hour, track your condition, notice where the tension is in the body — and relax this place. Record in a table (Table 4).

Table 4. Removing stress

Exercise 9

Third week. Hooray! I hope you have come all the way and have now learned not only to notice your condition, but also to correct it! Ahead of the third stage.

At the moment of communication with children, pay attention to your condition, to your body: are you tense or relaxed? Relax where the clamp is. Now you already know how to do it! Correct your posture, add a smile. And now you are a positive, calm, conscious mom (or the same dad)!

Exercise 10

Today you will learn to relax not only in the moment, but in general. This is a very effective exercise that allows you not only to remove the clamps in the body and completely relax, but also to relax. But rest is one of the most important components of our well-being and mood. A rested person looks at the world more positively and perceives everything more calmly.

This exercise is universal, there are many options for its use. But the ideas and essence are the same for everyone: you need to sit comfortably, and it is best to lie on your back, freely placing your hands along your body. The goal is to completely relax all the muscles in the body. It’s easiest to start with your toes and gradually work your way up higher and higher throughout your body.

Technics. Feel your toes relax, feel them getting warm. Further, the feet, calves, knees, hips, pelvis, lower back muscles, abdomen, upper back muscles, shoulders, forearms, and hands are relaxed. You feel lightness and warmth throughout your body, you can feel a slight tingling of your fingers and toes. Relax the muscles of the neck, head, facial muscles — forehead, muscles around the eyes, the eyes themselves, cheeks, relax the jaw. Complete relaxation. And lie down like this, without moving, for 10-15 minutes. After that, come back: move your arms, legs, you can clench your fists several times to awaken the body, and stand up through a turn on your side. Congratulations, you are rested!

During such relaxation, you can make various pleasant suggestions to yourself, like: “I had a good rest,” “I am full of strength and energy,” etc. Relaxation with suggestions is called auto-training.

You can imagine that you are in some pleasant place where you like to relax, remember how you feel there, what you see, feel, hear. This will complement your holiday with bright pictures.

So, your task: at least once a day, set aside time for a quick rest. Every day. When you start doing this exercise and see what results it brings, you will never want to leave it!

Chapter 3

Working together is a joy!

Do you pay attention to what emotions you have after doing things with your child? For example, when you cook or teach a child together. What is the outcome of this interaction?

Most often, everything starts on a positive note, but ends not very well: the child behaves differently than the mother expects, the mother begins to get annoyed, make comments, and as a result, negative emotions.

What kind of emotional bonding occurs between mother and child in these cases? And which one would you like?

Usually parents set themselves the primary task: to teach something to the child, but rarely think about HOW they do it. But the second component is the key to good relationships and the desire of the child to listen to you, the motivation to study in general. If classes cause unpleasant emotions in a child, then he will not want to do it.

Here the rule is simple: any joint business should bring joy!

You need to ensure that first of all provide positive emotions, and only then think about what you are teaching the child at this moment. If you feel like you’re getting irritated or things aren’t going the way you wanted, stop. Make sure to build relationships first, and only then move on. Stop the activity. Leave. Take it easy. Switch.

Everything is simple. The main thing is to follow this, and then in the future the child will be happy to work with you. The learning process is not so simple, and it is very important to reinforce it with positive emotions. Especially related to you. Do you want to have a good relationship with your children when they grow up? It’s in your hands.

Exercise 11

The task is simple: to ensure that any joint activities bring joy to both you and the child. If something goes wrong and you start to experience negative emotions, stop. Get yourself back into a normal, good mood, and only then continue. Even if you suddenly forgot, yelled at the child or became annoyed at him, it’s okay. It happens. Your task is to complete the joint business on positive emotions. You can.

Remember: first follow the relationship, and then the case!

Bank of positive memories

As we have already said, from us, parents, the child takes over how to relate to certain things and situations in life. The child copies not only the words of the parents, but also the emotions with which they speak.

How does this happen? The parent focuses the child’s attention on certain objects and interprets them for him. Thus, the child develops a certain attitude towards them, which is accompanied by appropriate emotions. When joyful interaction with the child is maintained and created in the family on a regular basis, the child naturally expects pleasant activities with the parents.

Let’s imagine that all the good and kind emotions that arise when interacting with a child are accumulated in a bank of positive memories. Everything is there: joint weekends, holidays, gifts, hugs in the morning, farewell kisses, joint trips to the cinema, skiing, to the park. The more good memories in the bank, the better your relationship with your child. The stronger the attachment, the easier it is to raise a child.

You can make a physical embodiment of your bank of positive emotions. For example, collect all the memories in an ordinary glass jar, write on a piece of paper what wonderful things you did together today, and describe this event. If there are candy wrappers or tickets from the concert, you can also put them there.

What is it for? When there is some kind of conflict, quarrel, then all memories are crushed under the weight of negative emotions. (Picture 1). And then you must first deal with the restoration of warm relations, let go of all disagreements — after all, the child in the negative will not want to do anything anyway! — and after that, proceed to joint affairs and tasks. And the bank just here can be a great tool!

Figure 1. Bank of positive memories before and after the conflict

How to return a warm relationship and restore a positive emotional background again?

– Create new memories.

— Recall past pleasant events (photos and videos).

— Let’s take a closer look.

– Create new memories

Pictures of happiness: find moments that, in your opinion, can be pleasant, joyful for the child and fix his attention on your feelings (what he hears, sees, what smell is around and what taste). So you teach your child to switch attention from unpleasant emotions to pleasant ones.

This exercise can be done not only during quarrels, but also at normal times, thus replenishing your jar of positive memories. How can this be done physically? As you wish! You can take a photo together, print it out and put it in a jar. You can take something from this place (for example, a beautiful leaf from the forest in which you have just been). Together, you can schematically draw on a piece of paper the most important and memorable. Put something in the jar that can later remind you of this event.

Teach your child by example to find, create joy and pleasant memories in different situations. Help highlight important positive life changes. Suppose there was a situation when the general emotional level was low: the child was sick, and now, finally, he recovered. This joyful event can be celebrated in a special way, for example, having a party with milk and cookies, dancing and singing!

Remembering past warm, kind events is like adding juice concentrate to water. How can I do that? A bank of positive memories will help here: together with your child, get candy wrappers, photos, tickets from concerts right from it and remember how good and interesting it was there. Invite your child to watch a photo album, a video from a vacation or from a performance at school / kindergarten. It is also important for parents to show emotions to the child that these events are significant for you. You can offer to repeat some trips or organize similar events and concerts.

As you understand, there is also a bank for negative emotions. And this, most often, is about punishment, quarrels, conflict behavior and communication. For more information about sanctions, see the chapter «How to set sanctions», about communication — see the chapter «Bad communication habits».

Let’s discuss the moment of punishment from the point of view of the emotional background. If a general warm, positive background prevails in parent-child relationships (option 1), that is, your bank of positive memories is well filled, then negative emotions in general will not be able to upset the overall positive balance in your family and the child will perceive the punishment calmly — as a natural consequence for your behaviour.

And vice versa: if the general emotional background is more negative than positive, that is, there are no banks of positive memories or there are very few of them, then any punishment is perceived by the child aggressively, insultingly, offensively (Figure 2). Mutual dissatisfaction is growing in such families, parents often use screams, reprimands, and swearing. Such relationships do not bring joy, are not support for the child, and, as a result, you can easily lose contact with the child in the future.

Therefore, it is so important to monitor the state of the general background in the family, to consciously work to ensure that your home has a joyful, kind, supportive atmosphere.

Figure 2. Emotional stability of your relationship with your child (option on the left — from plus to zero, on the right — from zero to minus)

And most importantly: after you have returned a warm relationship, this is a good opportunity to talk with the child and help him learn something new thanks to this situation: draw conclusions for the future, think about how to avoid such situations and what to do if they happen. . After all, it is important for you as parents that in the future the child himself can find solutions and build relationships with other people.

And then the general algorithm of actions after a conflict situation will be as follows:

1) First you need to change the emotional state of the parent and child.

2) Then add positive emotions.

3) And only now it is possible to discuss the situation, draw conclusions and correct mistakes.

Thus, you first restore the general positive background of your relationship, and only then teach the child to solve problems that are unpleasant for him. And then the child will perceive in a different way what you say to him: he will be ready to hear you and will listen to your recommendations with a high probability.

Exercise 12

Together with your child, make a jar of positive memories for your family. It will be interesting, exciting, and, by the way, this event can be made the first memory — put a note with a picture of a jar, put a date and write your names!

And now from this day on, save the most important events for you and your child in it.

Think about what you can add to your relationship to keep the overall positive emotional environment going (if you haven’t already).

Write down for yourself an algorithm of actions in conflict situations, hang it in a conspicuous place and stick to it.

This is a useful tool not only for interacting with children, but also with other people around you. If you want to discuss something with a person, especially if it is something that is not very pleasant for him, first make sure that he and you are in a good mood and your relationship is warm.

Chapter 4

The ability to care for and think about others are important qualities that are the basis for creating warm, trusting, supportive relationships between people. A person who knows how to take care lives not only for himself and his own benefits, but also benefits other people, the world. Agree, this is a very important quality that makes our world a better place, and also brings more meaning to our life and fills it with joy.

The ability to care for others is a quality that needs to be developed from an early age. The child initially does not see care himself. He gets used to receiving it. For him, that’s how it should be. And if a child is not taught to think and take care of others, then this quality will not appear in him. The strongest influence on the development of a child’s ability to care for other people, of course, is exerted by his parents.

We are sure that each of you knows that joyful feeling when you did something nice for another person, when you helped someone. So let there be more worries in the world! Let’s learn for ourselves and teach this to our children.

So, how to teach a child to see care and show it?

Show by example and talk about it: draw the child’s attention to how you, his grandmother, sister and other family members take care of him, how the parents themselves take care of each other, about their loved ones (grandparents) and friends.

For example: “Look, dad cooked soup — helped mom. You took care of your mother!.. Look, your mother folded your clothes and put them in the closet. She took care of you so that your clothes were not wrinkled and you could always find them! .. Look, my sister asks for water to be poured for you too — she takes care of you!

This is a good way to teach healthy relationships between brothers and sisters. Pay attention when one of them took care of each other. Children will see that mom notices, rejoices in this, and understand that this is called care!

Caring for loved ones. Help your child take care of others: mom, dad, grandpa, grandma, friends, brother or sister, etc. Suggest when and how this can be done, suggest: “Let’s take care of dad — he will come home from work hungry. Let’s go cook dinner and feed him!.. What can you do for grandma and grandpa when they arrive? Maybe we can sing a song about a bear cub for them?.. How can you please your little sister? Treat her with a piece of an apple, she will be pleased! .. Mom is so tired, let’s surprise her and wash the dishes so that she does not have to do it herself!

Learn to see the care of the characters from books and cartoons. While reading books or watching cartoons, pay attention when the hero shows care. Children compare their behavior with the actions of the heroes of books and cartoons and draw conclusions about what should / should not be done in different situations.

Discuss together the hero’s options for behavior: “How could the hero act differently? How could he take care (or take care of) someone? How could please (pleased)? What could (did) please and to whom? What did it lead to?

Notice and support any manifestations of care: “How great, you took care of dad, brought him water! .. How wonderful that you shared a piece of cake with your sister. I took care of her, because she also wants to! .. Go, I’ll kiss you!

Teach your child to share. If you know that guests should come to you, discuss with your child in advance which toys he will be ready to share, and remove others. You can direct his thoughts in the direction of what can be done to please the guest, what kind of toy he will like best, what can be treated to him.

When you go for a walk, you can think in advance with your child what additional toys to take, which he will share with other children. You can collect a separate backpack for this.

When you yourself go to visit with your child, you can take with you a few toys that your child will share with another child: “Let’s do something nice for your friend: he will share his toys with you, and you will bring your car for him to play! »

Teach children to take turns playing. You can set some kind of time limit for this, for example, guided by the hands of the clock or by the score: “When I count to 60, you will let Sasha play with this machine” or “Come on, you jump on the trampoline 20 times, then Misha!” If you have several children, it is even useful to specifically buy not two identical toys, but two different ones, in order to teach children to share with each other and play in turn.

Domestic animals and plants. A very good way to teach a child to care and teach responsibility at the same time is to take care of pets and plants. Involve children in care. Learn how to do it, transfer some of the worries to your little helpers.

Parents should help the child understand that caring for another person brings joy. And when a child takes care of others, he learns to develop his best qualities — responsibility, morality and maturity.

Exercise 13

1. Draw the attention of the child to the care of his loved ones.

2. Suggest, suggest how and when you can take care of, rejoice with him. Remember: what behavior we reinforce is what we get!