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Money gives us the opportunity to feel independent, provides a comfortable life and allows us to help loved ones. But at the same time, they can also lead to all sorts of conflicts within a couple, which can still be resolved.
The phrase “love and money” cuts the ear. As a rule, conversations about money in a couple either do not arise at first or turn into quarrels. As a result, partners cease to understand each other in this important issue for the family.
“Money, like sex, is one of the most taboo topics,” says psychotherapist Alexander Orlov. “We learn from childhood: it’s not customary to talk about it.” But the way we manage finances inevitably affects relationships within a couple.
How much does a housewife cost
“Money means opportunities, and having different opportunities is important for each of us,” continues Alexander Orlov. “But maybe that is why the idea that the more money a person has, the more valuable he is, remains not only widespread, but also extremely stable.”
As a rule, women’s housework is not highly valued: no matter how difficult it may be, the husband perceives his own employment as an occupation of much more significance. The situation is even worse if the husbands doubt their own masculinity: then the size of the salary becomes for them the only way to raise their level of prestige and self-respect. And sometimes conflicts arise on the basis of confidence: “I earn more, which means I’m worth more.”
Mikhail is the financial director of a large company. His wife Anna takes care of two children. “I spend the absolute minimum on personal purchases because I feel indebted to Misha. He is convinced that I do not have a life, but a continuous holiday. “While I’m doing my best at work,” he says, “you’re playing with the kids in the park.”
Many men sincerely do not understand how difficult it is to take care of the house and children. How to get out of this situation?
First of all, the wife’s decision to devote herself to the family must be supported by both parties. The logic in this case may be: “If I go to work, we all have to say goodbye to hot dinners and switch to semi-finished products, you can forget about carefully ironed shirts, and the children – about their mother’s caresses.”
Housewives often feel exploited, deprived of something, overcome with anger and resentment
Then it is worth calculating what material benefit the family derives from the fact that the wife runs the household, because then the spouses do not have to pay for the services of a nanny and a housekeeper. However, in most cases, women do not dare to talk about it.
“Love, a sense of closeness and generosity do not allow them to touch on the topic of finance,” concludes French psychotherapist Jacques Salome. “However, housewives often feel exploited, deprived of something, angry and resentful.”
By the way, thanks to savings on a nanny and a housekeeper, Anna contributes a decent amount to the family budget.
If a woman earns more
For many years, a wife in a traditional family was financially dependent on her husband. But these days the roles are changing more and more. This new state of affairs causes some women to take revenge on men for years of subjugation. Their motto is “In our family, the man is me.” Even remaining unconscious, this fantasy often leads to demasculinization (deprivation of masculinity) of the partner – to his symbolic castration.
Olga, an employee of a law firm, earns two and a half times more than her husband. “When we go to restaurants or go on vacation, I pay for everything, and Igor takes it hard,” says Olga. – Recently we wanted to buy a new music center, but the one that my husband liked was too expensive. We argued for a long time until I exploded: “After all, it’s all the same to me to pay!”
“In society, there is an ancient image of a male earner, a breadwinner,” says Alexander Orlov. Not many can resist this stereotype. Therefore, in those families where the husband earns less, problems are almost inevitable: the wife may begin to perceive her partner as an unreasonable child or simply ignore his opinion. But these difficulties can be minimized.
For example, when choosing a technique, Olga could say to her husband: “If you like this center so much, maybe you can contribute some of your money?” That is, instead of trying to silence her husband, she would appeal to his sense of responsibility, leaving Igor with a choice and maneuver.
“A man feels more comfortable if he earns, albeit not much, but more than his wife,” says psychotherapist Boris Shapiro. “But in any case, the family budget should be considered from the point of view of the needs of the family, and not as a competition of partners from the standpoint of everyone’s contribution to the common piggy bank.”
Test of unemployment
Losing a job can be a real test for a couple. Forced inaction greatly changes the image of a person: both he himself and everyone around him hardly recognize him. “All the energy of the unemployed is directed to narcissistic self-flagellation,” says Jacques Salome. “He withdraws into himself and loses interest in life in general.”
As for the spouse, he often has a feeling of dissatisfaction and insecurity, and, as a result, he starts directly (“You don’t bring money into the house!”) Or indirectly (“You didn’t go to the store?”) Reproach the partner for this.
“Losing a job is especially traumatic for a man,” says Boris Shapiro. “Therefore, the wife’s task is to support her husband as much as possible, to help him survive this situation.”
As for the inevitable cost cuts associated with job loss, paradoxically, some couples can turn this situation to their advantage. If expensive entertainment and significant gifts only masked the lack of true intimacy and warmth between the spouses, then financial problems can push them to realize the problem and find a way out of the current situation.
Power is not always the property of the one who earns the most. In many couples, one replenishes the piggy bank, and the other pays the bills. “By controlling the expenses of a partner, a man (or woman) quenches his thirst for control,” comments Boris Shapiro.
Egor is a passionate music lover. He buys CDs all the time and has bought two expensive guitars over the past two years. His wife Marina is unhappy: she would like her husband to spend less and save more for the children and just for the future. But Yegor does not want to sacrifice his passion.
So where is the line beyond which we stop considering the money earned by a partner as our own, and to what extent we have the right to interfere in the financial affairs of a spouse?
If the one who spends immoderately understands that this worries the partner, he will need to take a step towards
If these questions are too acute, the husband and wife should discuss the rules of their marriage and conclude a prenuptial agreement. In an ordinary, uncontracted, married life, most couples prefer to have a shared budget. However, the option can be considered ideal, in which each of the spouses participates in its creation in proportion to their income, but at the same time has personal savings.
“No one owes this money to anyone,” notes Jacques Salome. – The one to whom they belong can dispose of them at his own discretion. At the same time, he should not feel any guilt or discomfort for the fact that he wanted to please himself or someone else.
rational contract
What can be said about those who, before the wedding, go to the notary to draw up a marriage contract? “This indicates a very rational attitude towards marriage,” says psychologist and lawyer Mikhail Labkovsky.
“In most cases, preparing for a wedding, people idealize their relationship and talk primarily about feelings. Of course, these thoughts do not fit well with any kind of accounting. However, if we return to the original idea of marriage, we will see that it was concluded in order to be able to prolong the family, manage the household and survive – together it is much easier than alone, says the psychologist. “That is why those who enter into a marriage contract today treat cohabitation rationally and try to build relationships on something more concrete and tangible than a feeling of love.
In addition, such people seek to protect themselves at the very beginning of the journey – and this makes a lot of sense, given how often marriages break up precisely because of money problems. At the same time, people who draw up marriage contracts are often not inclined to fully trust their partner, which is why those who have already divorced once or several times and no longer want to sue and share property with their ex-spouse (wife) are more likely to go to the notary before the wedding.
Union of opposites
The general budget does not always guarantee independence and freedom to the partner. “Some of us have been brought up in fear of poverty,” Alexander Orlov adds, “others in fear of extravagance. If the spouses look at the problem from different angles, misunderstanding between them is inevitable.
When dealing with an irresponsible partner who empties the family piggy bank, we have the right to be angry with him. But what if he only spends his own money?
“Our reaction to the actions of a partner helps us become aware of our own fears,” says French psychotherapist Marie-Odile Steinmann. – When a partner spends too much, he awakens in us the fear of lack of money. When he saves, he reminds me of parents who saved all their money for a rainy day. Ask yourself why our partner’s behavior bothers us. By answering this question, we can develop a new attitude towards money.”
The most important thing for a couple is agreement on the fundamental values of being: common property, a sense of responsibility, mutual respect. People who are guided in life by directly opposite principles cannot get along with each other.
“In this case, you need to appeal to the maturity of the other,” says Boris Shapiro. “If someone who spends immoderately understands that this worries a partner, he will need to take a step forward and try to start controlling himself – after all, psychological comfort in a relationship is more important than any acquisitions.”