Love and affection

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If people are in a close relationship, then over time, affection naturally arises between them. Attachment, as a habit of intimacy and a desire for intimacy, is the natural foundation of love.

Can there be one without the other? Yes, it does, and it’s not uncommon. There can be both love without attachment, and attachment without love.

Here is the family. There are constant quarrels, claims, insults and very sincere scenes of jealousy in it. Husband Kostya sometimes drinks, and sometimes beats his wife Lida. But they cannot live without each other, and if Kostya is delayed, Lida is madly worried. And if, God forbid, something happens to Lida, Kostya, it seems, will not survive this … Divorce is impossible for them, because they have grown into each other and, if it happened to get a divorce, they would have to be cut to the quick. “It’s hard with him, but I’m so attached to him!” Linda sighs. That’s right, it’s hard to talk about love here, but affection is obvious.

But the family is different. Whenever we come to visit them, they are always cozy and sunny: smiles, joy, warmth. Sasha and Tanya are surprisingly attentive to each other — and to the children, and the voice rises there only when they sing songs with the children on family holidays. They really have family parties on Saturdays and they really sing! Idyll. But I also know that Sasha will always be just as bright and calm, even if something happens to Tanya, with the children … And this is not a mask — this is his soul. He loves both his wife and children, loves them beautifully and sincerely, but without affection. He loves the whole world so.

Of course, we are talking here about Love with a capital letter, about giving love, the content of which is disinterested and joyful care.

Love and affection are not the same thing, but in life love and affection are easily confused. For one person, we can have both at the same time. In addition, we are dependent on the one to whom we are attached, and therefore, being afraid of losing him, we are forced to take care of him. We behave almost like lovers: we listen carefully to the needs of the beloved and give in in case of disagreement — we do everything so that they do not get angry with us and do not move away from us. And then attachment turns out to be very similar to love, only in a voluntary-compulsory version. That is why they are so often confused: they talk about Love, meaning only Affection, and sing Affection, dreaming about Love.

How to distinguish one from the other? There is a simple criterion that distinguishes Love from Attachment. That criterion is pain: the pain of losing the Beloved. And the fear that this might happen. The result is constant stress. Attachment differs from love in pain, tension, and fear. Love attachment easily turns into a sick attachment, and even dependence on the object of love. The main feature of love attachment is not the joy and care associated with the object of love, but love suffering, with which a person is sometimes tormented, and when he revels with voluptuousness.

However, attachment is not always a bad thing. Smart people themselves are happy to become attached to what will support them in life, as well as to those people with whom communication is joyful or useful. At the same time, when tying themselves, they prefer not rigid, but conditional attachment, arranged like a carbine for climbers: when necessary, we are securely tied. If a halt and it is better to be free, the carbine snaps off and we are free. The more a person lives at the level of a human organism, the more often and easier he (she) becomes attached thoughtlessly, often to very strange and difficult people, and cannot get rid of these attachments. A person-personality with a developed mind and will allows only those attachments in his life that are useful, and stops unnecessary attachments.

Attachments are good as long as you need each other and your attachments are not sick, soft, rather playful. If in a relationship your partner shows a tough, painful attachment to you, then this situation is dangerous. How to prevent such relationships and how to behave when not the most adequate people become attached to you, see Prevention of sick attachments.

Returning to the fear of losing a loved one — why is it bad? Living with fear is always bad. Afraid of being alone, the girls agree to relationships with people who should not be contacted. Afraid of losing a loved one, so that the man does not leave, women allow him to disrespect her, goo and alcoholism. Fear turns off brains, makes a person short-sighted, pushes them to decisions that lie on the surface, and prevents them from thinking about long-term consequences: fear is not up to them … Those women who are not afraid to be alone, who calmly and confidently tell a man those moments that are important to her, follow the format and do not allow a man what is unacceptable. Will such a woman love, will she cherish her beloved? If her man is a decent and worthy man, he is a loving husband and a caring father, and it is difficult to find another one — a reasonable woman will take care of him as if he were the most precious jewel. And if she also knows how to love, she will devote her life to him, thanking fate every day for such a wonderful gift. Wise people know that sooner or later everyone breaks up: someone is divorced by life, someone by death. Those who lived in love, not affection, are not afraid of death and parting: they have the memory of the beautiful that was, and the opportunity to do something more beautiful for those who are still with him. This is not indifference, but high wisdom: while we are alive, those who are close to us need us.

Video from Yana Shchastya: interview with professor of psychology N.I. Kozlov

Topics of conversation: What kind of woman do you need to be in order to successfully marry? How many times do men get married? Why are there so few normal men? Childfree. Parenting. What is love? A story that couldn’t be better. Paying for the opportunity to be close to a beautiful woman.