Love addiction is a strong passion, dependence on a person. Love addiction is not a type of love. It is one of the types of codependence, the same as addiction to drugs, alcohol, virtual fortune-telling or slot machines.
Despite this, many people mistake addiction for love. And they sincerely believe that pain is a property of love, although in fact it is a property of dependence. Actually, this is one of the main difficulties in the treatment of love addiction: as long as a person perceives his mental pain as a manifestation of his love, he does not want to get rid of it. Because true love is worth suffering!
There are several forms of love addiction.
- Loss of one’s own individuality and the desire to maintain affection through the replacement of one’s psychological territory with the territory of a partner. Often, a codependent gives up friends, their interests, goals and begins to live the life of a significant Other. «I `m nothing without you». The partner is placed in the position of the Parent, the co-dependent in the role of the Child at an early stage of life, when he is completely dependent on the mother. «I am part of you.» Here masochistic tendencies can be realized.
- Capturing the partner’s individuality and his personal boundaries, his psychological territory. The co-dependent himself becomes in the position of the Parent and from this behavior is born, characterized by over-control. An example of such an addiction would be obsessive jealousy. The partner is not recognized the right to self-determination and personal choices. The codependent seeks to maintain attachment through the desire to realize the «ideal care», to become indispensable.
- Aggressive destruction of the partner’s psychological territory. «You are just a part of me.» Sadistic tendencies can be realized here. Through the destruction and total suppression of the partner’s individuality, the codependent seeks to fill the emptiness of his Ego, to extend his boundaries beyond himself.
Codependent people have difficulty admitting that they are addicted and often prefer to hold on to their ideas of what love is. And they have it is equal to suffering.
We cling to these old feelings, even if they bring us suffering, in the same way that alcohol and drug addicts cling to drugs, realizing that they are destroying themselves. even if at the level of logic we realized that we should not try to return a partner, that these relationships do not bring happiness, this is not enough. Because at the emotional level, we still want to return to the previous relationship, despite the fact that the behavior of the partner clearly does not speak of respect and love for us. Thus, there is a bifurcation of a person: “I understand everything with my mind, but I can’t do anything with myself.”
Why «can’t»? Because I do not know how to control my feelings, I do not know how to control myself. More than once we have heard: «Trust your heart, it will not deceive you.» But in fact, feelings are deceptive (read about this in the article Drunken Commander, or Where Feelings Lead Us). By the way, psychological dependence is more difficult for women, in particular, because women are more than men, subject to the influence of feelings, more inclined to surrender to them completely.
In addition, former feelings for a partner who has left us are significantly reinforced by various kinds of fears. It would be more accurate to say that fears and overwhelming feelings mutually reinforce each other, this is a vicious circle. Fear of the future, fear of change, fear of loneliness, fear of the unknown and uncertainty…
Fears, including the fear of reality, are a type of obsessive thought. They prevent us from living and being happy. Therefore, it is important for us to separate ourselves from these thoughts, to realize that these fears, these reasonings are not mine. They come from outside, and we do not need to accept them at all. On the contrary, they must be fought. Read about this in the article Psychological and spiritual methods of overcoming obsessive thoughts.
Learn to constantly control your feelings with your mind. Do not allow emotions to return to the former unhealthy and extremely biased attitude towards the situation, and when emotions are “attacked” by reason, return oneself to an already formed (see paragraphs 1 and 2) sober view of the state of affairs. To do this, it is necessary to fight obsessive thoughts, and often you will have to literally forcefully switch your attention to something more pleasant and “correct” (this is individual).
A very good means of controlling emotions by reason is the “conversation” of a rational person with a sensual one (meaning two people living in each of us). The intelligent asks questions to the sensible, which tries to answer. It may come as a surprise to us that there will most likely be nothing to answer — thus, an emotional person himself will be forced to admit defeat, that is, reason will prevail over emotions, and this is what we are trying to achieve.
Example: Why do I think that the departed spouse will return to me? Is there any logical justification for this? Answer: NO. Then why do I count on it and think about it 90% of the time? You can also keep a similar diary, write down your thoughts inspired by emotions in it, and consider them with a logical look.
Psychologist Mikhail Kamelev
Love is a Beautiful Thing. But often a completely different feeling is mistaken for it — love addiction. Unfortunately, it is just as common as, for example, alcohol. Only they don’t call for treatment from her, but compose songs about her and powder the brains of viewers of television talk shows. First, let’s define the main difference between love and love addiction. Love does not paralyze a person’s life, it is joy. This is the main symptom. Whether there is a loved one nearby or he flew away to Antarctica for two years — he exists in the world, and this is already great. Love does not interfere with making a career and enjoying life. When a person loves, he becomes prettier, slimmer, younger, his hair curls, his eyes burn. He, of course, longs to see his beloved next to him. But he never ceases to want something else in life. Which is just typical for love addiction, when white light converges on the beloved / beloved: “I can’t live without him / her, I can’t do anything. In fact, this is the same as alcohol, drug or gambling addiction. Only instead of a drug — a living person. And if he is not around, write wasted. “In love” (you will soon understand why we put this word in quotation marks) is losing weight (or getting fat — whoever), looks haggard, starts to hurt. He has the most natural breaking. And he does everything like an alcoholic drug addict, only to see his “beloved”. Calls 50 times a day, guards at the entrance, writes letters, imposes himself. But the main symptom: love addiction is always pain and suffering, even when the “beloved” is nearby, it’s still pain. This is a physical attraction to the object of passion, the desire to literally stick together with him and not let him go anywhere and never. By the way, if you carefully listen to songs about love, it turns out that all of them are not about love, but about … right, about love addiction. And why? It’s simple: in songs, the more passion, the better. Quiet, calm and joyful love against this background is simply boring. In it, as professionals say, «there is no theme for the song.» By the way, it is still possible to distinguish addiction from love by creativity. “Dependent” write about how bad and hard it is for them to live without a loved one, how they want to die of love, etc. Normal lovers write about how good it is for them that such a bright feeling has come into their lives.
Addiction flares up immediately and very brightly. The addict does not trust the loved one. He is afraid of being abandoned. All on nerves, on suffering. At the same time, the dependent evil to himself notices the shortcomings of a loved one. And generally a little angry with him. But he strives for it with all his might. To give it all. Ready to sacrifice himself, if only he appreciated and gave him a look. Love addiction, by the way, is also sometimes mutual: when both are dependent on each other. And one day they begin to hate each other for this lack of freedom.
Personality Features
There is a psychological «risk group» of people potentially susceptible to love addiction. These people are unable or unwilling to make decisions until they consult with others. It’s hard for them to be alone. In relationships, they are often afraid of being abandoned. Overly sensitive to criticism, ready to obey other people and agree with them out of a desire to please. Because they are so afraid of rejection. They lack self-confidence, tend to downplay their strengths and obsess over their shortcomings. Most likely, they have some other dependence: alcohol, drugs, food, gambling, tobacco.