With this tragedy, women are often left alone. The topic seems to be banned – awkward, even “shameful”. But in order to survive the grief of losing an unborn child, you need the opportunity to talk about your experiences, you need the understanding and support of those who have experienced this.
Shock, grief, anger, shame, a sense of loss and even betrayal – having experienced the death of a fetus during pregnancy, a woman experiences a variety of feelings. And dealing with them alone is incredibly difficult. No one seems to understand her. But if you share your pain, it turns out that there are many others around who have had similar experiences. And it becomes easier to cope with the loss.
Every year, millions of women around the world lose their babies during pregnancy. The World Health Organization talks about 2,6 million cases per year, the Mayo Clinic (one of the largest medical research centers) about 10-20% of all pregnancies. And although some celebrities, such as Meghan Markle, publicly talk about what happened, in general, in society, they prefer to hush up these stories.
Why is the topic of perinatal loss surrounded by a wall of silence and how can this wall be destroyed?
“Why me?..”
Researcher Lisa Hanasono conducted 25 in-depth interviews with women aged 18 to 74, all of whom had lost a fetus at least once. All of them, representatives of different generations, were united by the following: they could hardly tell anyone about what happened to them, received almost no support from others, and communication with them from representatives of the healthcare system left much to be desired.
Most of these women tried to understand why and “for what” all this happened to them, but, alas, often even doctors are not able to name the reason. Having not received an answer to this question, the subjects continued to be in a state of uncertainty and anxiety: if it is not clear why the fetus died, how to prevent the loss next time?
In addition, many of us still do not know how to behave in such situations, there is no single ritual of mourning
It is also unclear how to behave with women who have lost their pregnancy. Guided by good intentions, some try to “comfort” them with the words “you are young”, “well, you can still get pregnant”, “but you already have a healthy child”, “just move on”, but as a result they only make things worse. A woman feels that she has no right to share her pain, that she will not be understood and will not accept her feelings anyway.
Even worse, when relatives and friends try to “diagnose” and give advice: “maybe you shouldn’t have drunk so much coffee”, “try doing special exercises next time.” Thus, they make it clear that the woman is at least partly to blame for what happened, which is far from the case (and medical studies confirm this).
But, despite the fact that talking about this topic is painful and difficult, it is necessary to do this in order to set an example for other people, give them the opportunity to speak out and support each other.
How to talk about pregnancy loss?
1. Share your story
You can break the wall of silence by talking about your loss. The main thing is to choose the right time and safe space: for example, a support group, online or offline, or talking one on one with a friend or family member you trust. By gradually telling the story to an ever wider circle of people, you will let those around you know that they are not alone, that you can and should talk about your experience.
2. Support those who have suffered a loss
- If a woman decides to share her story of grief with you, try to give her maximum support, do not try to evaluate or give advice, but just happen.
- Leave her the right to her feelings, even the most “uncomfortable” and painful ones.
- Let her know that you accept her. And of course, don’t share her story with others unless she has given you permission to do so.
- Remember, mourning is a long process and takes a different amount of time for everyone.
3. Help raise awareness
By honestly speaking about what happened and engaging in educational activities, we can destigmatize the topic of pregnancy loss and lighten the burden that millions of women around the world carry on their shoulders.
If you encounter difficulties on the way to parenthood, you can always seek help from specialized organizations – for example, a charitable foundation .