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Praise is uplifting. You did a good job, and the boss noted it, supported your friend and received a warm “thank you”. At first glance, everything is logical – having done a good deed, you received gratitude or flattering feedback, and therefore you feel better. But what if it’s a real addiction?
People tend to forget that the approval of others does not determine their worth. It is often caused by some “right” act, just as criticism is caused by one specific mistake. Therefore, the words of another person characterize only your action and how it was performed, and not you as a specialist and a person as a whole.
“But after praise, the mood gets better!” you say. But it is not always the case. It gets better when we think we deserve the compliment, writes Mood Therapy author David Burns. And so we always evaluate it for truth.
For example, a good review from a specialist not in your field is unlikely to give the same positive charge of emotions as the words of your senior colleague. In addition, next time, instead of praise, you may hear negative feedback. And then your mood will worsen.
“Even so, why is praise addiction harmful if it motivates us?” Because people become too sensitive to other people’s opinions and at some point they find that they are not able to make a sound judgment about themselves on their own. This vulnerability can be used against you – maybe unconsciously, but most often on purpose. After all, you will agree to everything so as not to receive disapproval and not be “rejected” in society.
11 Questions to Know if You’re an Approval Addict
By answering these questions, you will understand whether your need for outside praise is strong.
- Do you feel attacked when someone criticizes your work?
- Do you feel the need to constantly thank people and give them unnecessary compliments?
- Do you take on additional tasks and responsibilities that your boss, colleague or loved one asks you to do, even if it ruins your plans?
- Do you measure your success based on other people’s assessments?
- Do you worry a lot about what others think?
- Do you seek the opinions of others before deciding on your own?
- Can it be said that you do not stand up for what you believe in and give up your position too often or easily?
- Are you apologizing too much?
- Complain when you need it?
- Do you feel like a “human chameleon” – adjusting to someone else’s opinion, adopting other people’s views and manners to seem like your own?
- Do you use compliments or praise as a source of energy?
Where to look for the origins of this dependence?
The need for approval can be formed for various reasons. Someone was bullied at school, others were expected too much: “You have to become the best.” Maybe it was an unsuccessful romantic relationship, in which one side constantly suppressed and criticized the other. But most often it is a matter of upbringing and behavior in the family.
The phrases “you always do it wrong”, “you are bad because …”, spoken by parents in a temper, settle in the memory of the child for a long time. After all, in childhood we believe everything that the elders say. We have grown, but someone else’s approval compensates for our lack of high self-esteem. It helps us win the attention we’ve been missing before—through career accomplishments, hobbies, and even relationships.
How to deal with it?
Analyze your beliefs
Try to understand what is the reason for your dependence on someone else’s approval. Write down these thoughts. Then, for each of them, make a list of arguments for and against. This way you can evaluate how true each of your beliefs is and decide to change.
Consider why it is irrational and unjustified to be afraid of disapproval
Make another list: why criticism, while unpleasant, is not fatal. Arguments should be vital, understandable, so that you do not doubt them at all. For example…
- Not always disapproval is directly related to you: your words, actions or lifestyle. The reason may be in the problems or personal views of the other person.
- Even justified criticism does not pose a threat, as it helps to find and correct mistakes. And, as you know, we learn from them.
- One, two, five, ten misses doesn’t mean everything you do is wrong. In contrast to them, there are many things in which you are not mistaken.
- You decide how much to get upset because of someone else’s disapproval, your reaction depends only on you.
This list may grow. If you reread it in the morning, after a while you will stop overestimating criticism in your address and criticism in general.
Learn to depend only on your own approval
After giving up dependence on other people’s praise, try to support yourself. To do this, write down a list of your achievements during the day in a diary or phone. It doesn’t matter how large they are, whether someone other than you has marked them or not. Maybe you held the subway door open or twice patiently explained a topic to a colleague. Or they just didn’t go with everyone at a red traffic light.
Train yourself to keep such a list, review it before bed, and you will take a big step towards independence and self-approval.
