Can a stranger predict our behavior and motives better than ourselves? And what prevents us from seeing ourselves as clearly as people from the outside see us? We reveal some secrets of the relationship between our consciousness and the unconscious.
Psychologies: One of the most amazing things you point out in We Don’t Know Ourselves is that other people can sometimes predict our moods and behaviors better than we can. How is this possible?
Timothy D. Wilson, social psychologist: Sometimes strangers manage to see through the fog of our explanations what we really feel about this or that matter. For example, there was this study: students who were in a romantic relationship were asked to predict how long their relationship would last. The same question was asked of their classmates and parents.
Then it turned out that the most inaccurate forecasts were given by those who were in a relationship. Their friends and parents were much more accurate. Now this does not seem surprising: it is known that if you are in love, you unwittingly represent the future of your couple in the best possible light.
But there are other examples, already from the personal sphere, when an outside observer tries to guess whether we are extroverts or introverts, how conscientious we are and what affects our mood. And they determine it, if not always better, then at least with the same degree of certainty as we ourselves.
There is a funny example in your book where a real estate agent listens intently to the wishes of his clients about the characteristics of the house they intend to buy, and then ignores everything said and shows them completely different buildings, and with invariably successful results. It turns out that she knows better than customers what they really want. What kind of signals, imperceptible to ourselves, do we give to others?
Our unconscious manifests itself through our behavior and governs our actions. A stranger might look at us and think, «I think that means he/she is feeling this or that right now.»
People form their impression of us based on our out-of-control actions as well as our conscious actions.
In the book, I give the example of my friend Susan, she met a young man who met all her criteria for an ideal man. But we, her friends, saw that Susan did not love him. And we noticed this long before she realized it herself.
And it was easy to notice — as soon as Susan started talking about him, her voice changed — it did not have that excitement with which she talked about her previous lover. The guy himself was head over heels in love with her, but there was no spark from her side. We saw it clearly, but perhaps she chose not to notice.
What prevents us from seeing ourselves as well as others see us?
We attach too much importance to actions that fit our idea of who and what we are. For example, if you are sure that you are very shy, and at some point notice that you were the soul and center of a noisy party, then you are likely to explain it this way: “I just had a good mood.” But an outsider will make a more accurate conclusion that perhaps you are not so shy after all.
Often we may not be aware of the feelings we experience. For different reasons. If, for example, they scare us. Or we are simply inattentive and have not seen how our feelings have changed — a classic example when two young people are the last to notice that they have fallen in love with each other.
Another reason is when we fence ourselves off from our feelings with some abstract theories.
We may not recognize feelings that conflict with our cultural stereotypes (“my wedding will be the happiest day of my life”), personal attitudes (“I don’t have racial prejudice,” “I’m not homophobic”), or ideas about how and how we should feel (“I should love him because he is my father”).
Can we learn to notice our unconscious manifestations?
Actually, it’s not easy. But there is research that shows that observing yourself while watching a video, which allows you to literally see yourself from the outside, helps to change perspective and interpret your behavior a little differently.
What other advice would you give to someone who wants to see themselves better from the outside?
We should be a little less sure of our own theories about our self. We may think that we know our feelings and what we are capable of, but all research shows that there are many things in ourselves that we do not notice or misinterpret.
The vast amount of information we have about the inner part of our lives makes us overconfident. If this arrogance is reduced a little, our self-image becomes clearer and more reliable.