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Couples separated by hundreds and thousands of kilometers sometimes have to face greater difficulties than those who live together. It doesn’t matter if you are in different cities or countries, there are sure to be moments when the distance between you seems especially huge. How can you help yourself and your loved one get through this difficult time?
Stress at work, family troubles, health problems – if a partner is not physically around, all these factors can make us move away from him even more. And sometimes it seems to us “out of the blue” that feelings are fading away.
“And this is not surprising: we get close to someone to feel comfortable and safe around him or her, and for this, most of us need physical closeness,” explains Seth Myers, psychologist and author of the book “How to cope with relationship rehearsal syndrome and find the love you deserve.”1. “This is not to say that long-distance relationships cannot be happy and fulfilling, but moments when partners suddenly feel lonely are almost inevitable.”
However, this can and should be worked on. Here’s what the experts advise.
Sharpen your communication skills
“If partners do not communicate enough with each other, sooner or later they may begin to feel that they have moved away,” says psychotherapist Alisha Jeni. – At a distance, it is not easy to create (or recreate) an atmosphere of closeness and trust. But this should be the number one task.”
It is important to learn to speak out any feelings that the current situation causes in you, to share fears, and not to keep them in yourself. Talk about what happens to you every day – this way your partner will know what you have to face, what worries you. He will not make false guesses, because of what you have been behaving “somehow wrong” lately, and worrying in vain.
Ask tough questions
Do not be afraid to ask what your loved one thinks about your relationship, what feelings it causes in him. Offer to discuss what you could do to become even closer and to reduce misunderstandings and omissions.
Relationship coach Neely Steinberg reminds you to be ready to hear any feedback. Starting such a conversation, in no case should you blame your partner and come to hasty conclusions. Most importantly, don’t let fear of possible answers stop you from asking questions.
“Talk about your feelings and concerns calmly and gently,” she advises. Tell me how your partner’s behavior affects you. For example: “When you disappear like this and don’t get in touch for several days, it starts to seem to me that I am losing you. How can I make sure this doesn’t happen?” The answers will let you know more about him and what your relationship means to him.”
Discuss your expectations
“In a long distance relationship, trust is important. You and your partner need to tell each other what you expect from your union, to establish agreements that will suit both, ”recommends Janie. You should discuss each other’s needs, agree on how often you will visit each other, correspond and call each other.
Equally important are long-term expectations. Myers suggests setting common goals and remembering to check the course from time to time.
Make realistic plans
“Nothing strengthens a relationship like realizing that you have common plans and you are working on their implementation,” says relationship expert Damona Hoffman. “If you don’t, you might feel like you are infinitely far apart.”
And do not forget to arrange dates in advance – offline (if possible) and online. The sweet anticipation of the meeting also greatly strengthens the relationship.
Deal with your own feelings
“If you miss your partner, how do you express it? Do you immediately write or call him – or do you keep everything in yourself and try to somehow distract yourself? Janie asks. “Does this suit you, or can something be changed?” By learning to better understand yourself, you will be able to better convey to your partner exactly what you feel and what you want.
Learn to listen
Being able to talk about your needs is good. But it is equally important to listen and hear your partner, to be sincerely interested in how his day went and what is in his soul. “Let the person feel that you accept his feelings, whatever they may be, and that you are completely on his side – both in something big and in small things,” advises Hoffman.
Show your imagination
Long-distance relationships aren’t easy, so both of you will need to think outside the box to maintain a sense of closeness.
“Regularly send each other small gifts and other favors, get creative with your date planning. Even if they happen online, try to make them thematic, ”Myers suggests.
Videoconferencing can be replaced by a joint online game or “live broadcast” while walking around the city. In a word, try to surprise each other, it will be very useful both now and, possibly, in the future life together.
1 «Overcome Relationship Repetition Syndrome and Find the Love You Deserve».