Contents
Having been married, having gone through a breakup, having experienced all the advantages and disadvantages of loneliness, our reader Olga K. claims that life in partnership is more suitable for her. Gestalt therapist Daria Petrovskaya comments on her letter and explains why we sometimes miss a close person so much.
Recently, relations with her husband have been strained, parting has brought pain, but at the same time relief. I learned to enjoy my new position and life alone. But I miss a lot of what partnership gives.
I miss being «we»
I never get bored by myself, but sometimes I really want to go home and see that someone is waiting for me. I yearn for family dinners and weekend breakfasts. I want to be listened to, hugged, made tea or poured wine. I live with my little daughter, and I miss the person with whom I can share my adult experiences.
Sad to fall asleep alone
I don’t feel safe without a man at home. I also miss intimate relationships. When you don’t have a loved one, you either have to deny yourself intimacy or settle for casual sex. An artificial relationship for the sake of physical relaxation will never replace a full-fledged connection with someone for whom you have deep feelings.
Not enough hugs
Of course, I have a daughter and we constantly hug, but I would like to have a loved one nearby. There are not enough evenings when you can sit together, watch movies and hug.
Lack of stability and security
It’s hard for me to find a partner. Correspondence, dates with strangers, strained conversations, a feeling of embarrassment are exhausting and do not bring satisfaction. In a permanent relationship, this stage has already been passed, because you have found a loved one, someone with whom you can plan the future.
I confess that neither my self-sufficiency, nor a sober understanding that nothing can be fixed in relations with my ex-husband, can save me from longing for intimacy and partnership. I read about how important it is to be happy on your own, but I know how wonderful a fulfilling relationship can be. I believe that we are deceiving ourselves when we say that living alone is just as wonderful as living with a loved one.
«Self-sufficiency is born in relationships»
Daria Petrovskaya, Mr.estalt-therapist
The heroine talks about the sense of security that the relationship gave. But security in the literal sense — there is a place to live and there is confidence in the future — she herself provides for herself and her daughter. It’s more about an emotional deficit of intimacy.
Living solo means that we take responsibility for our actions and look for how and with whom to satisfy our own needs. In a relationship, there is often a temptation to throw some of the problems onto a partner. But he also wants to do the same. This is how conflicts and co-dependency arise.
Do not forget that we and only we must figure out what we are missing and tell our partner about our needs. In this sense, solo life is not much different from life in a couple, as it does not eliminate the loneliness associated with misunderstanding between people.
Self-sufficiency is born in relationships. It is based on mutual respect and is associated with the need to recognize each other’s needs, to seek a compromise. Then instead of “I can’t live without you”, “I can do it without you, but I want to try with you”. Instead of demanding and waiting for something from a partner, we study him and ourselves with curiosity, strive to understand and accept.
And the problem is not in choosing between loneliness and life in a couple, but in the fact that the old attitudes: to get married, have children, be sure to get married are no longer relevant, and new ones are just being formed.
Previously, marriage seemed to women a guarantee of security. But this belief gave rise to many fears and traumas, the lack of equality often led to violence. Today, a woman is able to protect herself, and a man is no longer afraid of domestic difficulties. In the end, you can always pay for cleaning and order food at home.
Therefore, many are wondering: is a relationship necessary at all? And if so, are we ready to look for our own, suitable for our couple, form of intimacy?