Loneliness together: why we are unhappy in a relationship

Loneliness is a painful feeling. When I work with a client who is struggling with addiction and ask him to look inside himself to see what feelings he is trying to drown out with food or alcohol, I often hear the same answer: loneliness. You may think that this feeling is experienced mainly by those who live alone and do not have a family, but this is not so. It is in partnerships that many feel abandoned, isolated. After all, relationships do not always relieve loneliness, on the contrary, they sometimes cause it.

We feel deeply alone when we want to feel spiritual contact with someone, but this someone is not available to us, does not want or cannot open up to us. This feeling is certainly present when we are alone, but often it occurs in relationships when one or both partners have lost touch with each other – due to the fact that one of them is angry or withdrawn, sick or very tired. .

Being alone and being lonely are not the same thing. The feeling of emptiness occurs when we are out of touch with ourselves—when we are unable to listen to our feelings, judge ourselves, turn to all sorts of addictions to get rid of painful sensations, or hold someone else responsible for our feelings.

We will always feel alone and abandoned when we give up on ourselves.

Moreover, having lost connection with ourselves, we cannot connect with others. And these broken ties become a source of deep despair and disappointment. A person who lives alone, but at the same time loves and appreciates himself, may not feel this painful emptiness. He is able to enjoy his solitude and keep in touch with others when they are ready to make contact.

What makes us lonely in a relationship?

You may feel lonely with a partner if

… that your heart is closed because that is how you protect yourself from resentment, anger, or possible rejection. You cannot be in contact with a partner when closed.

… the partner is closed, angry or self-absorbed.

… a partner deliberately blocks communication with you, hiding behind work, TV, alcohol, hobbies, the Internet, and so on.

… you adapt to your partner, trying to control his feelings in this way. Giving up yourself for the sake of manipulation interferes with the creation of a genuine soul connection.

… both of you or one of you does not want to notice the brewing conflict. The reluctance to speak openly on sensitive topics creates barriers between you.

…you or your partner uses sexual relations as a form of control.

…you replay relationships in your head instead of discussing them together with open hearts. Speculative analysis can be attractive at times, but after a while you feel bored and empty.

… a partner criticizes your thoughts, feelings, attitudes or actions. Judgment and criticism divide people.

…you or your partner are too tired, overwhelmed, or unwell to keep in touch.

In a word, everything that separates us from ourselves and our partner causes a feeling of loneliness. Conversely, isolation disappears when we are frank and openly contact each other.

We feel connected to each other when

…we are not afraid to be ourselves, vulnerable and say what we think, without guilt or fear of judgment.

…ready to face unpleasant experiences, deal with them nurturingly, and learn from them—to take responsibility for all our feelings, rather than avoid them using various defenses. When we are in touch with ourselves, we can build connections with others, we are ready to learn something new about ourselves and our partner, especially in conflicts.

…we show care and compassion for ourselves and our partner.

…we find time to be together, talk, play, love, laugh, learn and grow. We are interested in personal growth and development of our relationships.

When sharing time, developing the ability to love yourself and share love with each other becomes a priority for both partners, you have a great chance of staying in authentic contact with yourself and with each other. In such relationships, people rarely feel alone.

SOURCE: Huffington Post