Loneliness: suffering or the path to yourself?

Everyone left me, left me, there is no soul close to me … At different periods of life, almost each of us experienced this feeling, close to despair, although not so sharp and, alas, often much longer.

“I was about 13 years old when I realized that I felt terribly lonely, despite loving parents,” recalls 34-year-old graphic artist Mikhail. “I had absolutely no friends. Some of my peers were occupied with online games and dating, others tried to sell something, imagining themselves as entrepreneurs, and I painted and was immersed in fantasies that I could not share with anyone. It became easier when I guessed to draw comic book characters. But I was able to recover from loneliness only after 15 years. I already worked in my specialty and was married.”

We are drawn to like-minded people – and we run from those whose interests are far from ours, those who do not understand us and, it seems, will never understand. A suitable social circle is one of the main conditions, the fulfillment of which allows us to feel happy.

But still, loneliness is a part of our existence, and running away from it is like running away from oneself, Gestalt therapist Maria Gasparyan confirms: “Inner emptiness will regularly remind you of yourself. We experience it especially acutely in moments of crisis: when loved ones get sick or leave, it seems that no one can share the pain of loss with us. No one can understand sadness, despair better than ourselves. But it is this existential loneliness that gives food for thought – who am I? Why am I in this world? How do I want to live this life? And in the end it makes you move on.”

Becoming your own friend is the cure for loneliness

If loneliness is the result of a crisis or the absence of congenial interlocutors, then where does loneliness come from, which lasts for years?

“For as long as I can remember, I considered myself a lone wolf, I was even proud that I didn’t need anyone, I can handle everything myself,” admits 29-year-old Yulia. – I repeated the phrase of some philosopher: “We alone come into this world and we leave it alone too.” But recently I watched the film “Three Billboards …”, and there the hero says something else: “I was not alone when I came into this world, because my mother was with me. And I don’t leave it alone, because I have you, ”he is addressing his wife. And something shifted in my head: but he is right! Maybe I’m doing something wrong…”

In many cases, loneliness serves as a signal that you do not have a relationship with yourself, says existential psychotherapist Maria Rudkovskaya: “For many people, this is a signal – you are lonely because you do not know yourself, you are not interested in yourself, you do not trust yourself. Because you have nothing to do with yourself.”

But why did it happen that we began to consider ourselves unworthy of interest? Why stop looking at yourself?

“I often ask my clients about this, and often this question becomes a turning point in therapy,” says Maria Gasparyan. – Women leave for a husband, for children. Men – to work, relationships … Each of us has his own story. But here’s the thing – we can lose all this at any moment. A spouse can go to another, children can grow up, and so on. The only thing that belongs to us entirely is ourselves. We are the only friend who will never leave.”

If we have established contact with ourselves, we accept our inner content, then there is always someone to talk to and about something. True, there are circumstances that prevent this.

What influences our contact with ourselves?

Illnesses limit our opportunities, prevent us from experiencing the joy of life and increase isolation: often despite the care of loved ones, and even more so if there is none. The feeling of abandonment is exacerbated by certain life periods: adolescence, when significant changes occur with the body, the beginning of growing up, when we hesitate between merging with another and the need for independence. And old age, when the way of life changes, many of the friends and loved ones leave.

Finally, the experience of loneliness is influenced by our perception of it. The more frightening it is, the worse we feel alone. Society associates him with asociality, selfishness, failures, which does not help to make friends with him at all. And it’s not easy to silence it: research shows that loneliness activates the same areas of the brain that are responsible for recognizing physical pain. It is not for nothing that in prison prisoners are put in a punishment cell for misconduct. Being separated from other people is a punishment. Perhaps the worst punishment, because we need the company of our own kind almost like air.

Still, sometimes we just need to be alone with ourselves. Great writers, artists and thinkers valued loneliness as the most important resource for self-knowledge, creativity and self-development. “We must leave behind a room that would be only ours and in which we will establish our true freedom,” advised Montaigne, who had learned the difficult experience of illness and the death of a close friend. This room is not a solitary cell, not a punishment cell. It is a refuge in which the mind talks to itself and learns to do without the need for entertainment and activities. This is a home where we can live in peace and understanding with ourselves, without going into selfish, narcissistic isolation. Our business is to furnish this room as we see fit. It is ours, and only we are responsible for it.