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We often experience an acute sense of loneliness: on the Web, surrounded by numerous subscribers, in a couple or family, sitting at the same table, at work, and even in a crowd. Loneliness scares us. How is it different from seclusion? Is there something life-affirming in these states, something that each of us needs? Answers to these questions in the conversation of our experts: psychoanalyst Andrey Rossokhin and Alexander Orlov, client-centered therapist.
Andrey Rossokhin: Without loneliness there is no person, no personality. Where does loneliness come from? Immediately after birth, the child feels inseparable from the mother. This state is the primordial paradise for him. There is no loneliness in it. And in fact, there is no man himself. Acquaintance with loneliness begins at the moment when the child becomes a separate person, when he receives the right to his own life, not physical, but mental. For the first time this happens at the moment when a woman awakens in the mother, who has her own sexual desires, attraction to her husband, man, father of the child. Because of this, she faces a conflict – she wants to be with a child and she wants to be with a man, she is forced to leave the child and go to a man. And it is at this moment that the child feels loneliness for the first time. Each of us lived it, and, generally speaking, it is horror. The first severe frustration, trauma, conflict: “Why on earth is she leaving?”, “Why am I being taken to bed?”, “Why can’t we sleep together?”, “Why should I be alone, why did it become so bad, when else Has it been this good lately? This forced loneliness is the beginning of the mental life of the child. The mother leaves, and the child forms an idea that she is in his inner world: she left, but will return. It is through loneliness and the conflicts associated with it that we form our inner world. Further more. There was an “expulsion from paradise”. But if in the Christian tradition those expelled from paradise must return there, then in the psychoanalytic tradition it is the other way around. Our task is to squeeze out of ourselves, drop by drop, the desire to return to paradise, to get rid of loneliness forever, for example, in merging with a loved one. Such love happens only in one case – between the baby and the mother. And if you are looking for exactly this in a love relationship, by doing so you are trying to escape from loneliness. But it is necessary to become a whole person and only then to find another whole person and … true love, which is possible only between two adults.
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- When you choose to be alone
Alexander Orlov: To begin with, I would like to address the meaning of these words. Loneliness is a state in which we cannot meet other eyes that are not indifferent to us, looking at us with interest. This is a difficult psychological situation associated with deprivation, deprivation, depression, anxiety, with the search for a way out, despair, suicide. With all that unpleasant spectrum that psychotherapists usually deal with. And a completely different situation and a completely different word – solitude. In a situation of solitude, a person is alone, but this is the result of his choice: “I retire.” To say “I was secluded” is impossible. I myself choose solitude, I need it to gather my thoughts, to integrate, to solve my problems – external, internal, which require effort, concentration of all my intentions, intentions, potentials. Creative people cannot live without solitude and periodically fall into this state. Some people go on special vacations. It seems to me that, unlike loneliness, solitude is a very diverse state. It cannot be said that it is pink and always positive, it is complex, filled with difficult work, but productive, creative. Natalie Rogers, daughter of psychotherapist Carl Rogers, is now realizing herself not only as a psychotherapist, but also as an artist and sculptor. She went all the way – marriage, family, divorce, finding herself and, finally, solitude. She has a wide social circle, but internally she is solitary. And this opportunity exists for every person.
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A. R .: I will continue the word game. Loneliness is “one” and solitude is “one”. One – without whom, and one – with whom. Loneliness is a state. From the root “one” we can form many verbs (unite, retire, separate), which means that we are talking about a process. If a person needs to find answers to questions, he retires. Any mental work begins when we understand that the problem may be in ourselves (and not just in a bad boss, husband / wife, parent). We turn to our inner world, and we begin to panic – a very important state. The horror of primal loneliness returns. This is the most important moment, the fork. If a person is alone in a family, he has two ways: to the outside world – to look for a substitute husband / wife, someone who will create a happy life, give happiness and the opportunity to return to that primary paradise. Or to the inner one – and here a problem lies in wait for him. “I left to make a decision. And it is not accepted. Why?” Because solitude is a verb, a process. The process of inner work, the very beginning of possible inner work on the way to a solution. Are you able to find it yourself, or do you need someone to help… The main thing is panic and a fork: “if you go to the right, you will find a substitute, if you go to the left, you won’t get the result right away, but you will improve your inner work to comprehend something in yourself.” Meeting with yourself unfamiliar, unknown. If you go this way, new meanings can be born. A new understanding of loneliness, a new understanding of oneself … This takes time and a lot of inner work.
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A. O.: There is enough loneliness in the world, and there is enough difficulty in the world due to solitude. The real world is arranged in such a way that it is extremely difficult to retire. It is impossible to be alone in a school environment. The crowd is everywhere: in the classroom, recreation, toilet, buffet. It has a detrimental effect on internal resources, on human potentials. A person who lives long in a crowd becomes a crowd. And lives a borrowed life. In the United States, psychologists did a simple thing for children in elementary school – they dragged a large cardboard box into each classroom and made a small hole in it. They caught a natural dynamic: children need privacy, they feel the need for it. If such a box is placed in the sixth grade, it will be subjected to violent attacks, and young children need it. Solitude is “pregnancy”, gestation, the creation of a new, one’s own, individual. Pregnancy does not always end with the birth of a child. There is also pseudopregnancy or false pregnancy. You need to prepare for solitude. For something to be created there, to be born. In a sense, we are all ready for loneliness, but not all are ready for solitude. Maybe because our school did not have such cardboard boxes? It seems to me that a meeting in a psychotherapy office is similar to a situation in a box.
A. R .: On the other hand, it is important to understand that loneliness in the sense of “I don’t need anyone” is a dangerous condition. It is one thing for a child to experience that his parents do not need him, and another thing is the assertion that he does not need them either, because he himself is great. “I don’t need another, I can get everything from myself.” This is narcissism. Escape from loneliness. Dangerous, like avoiding loneliness. A narcissistic cocoon from which you need to go out to people. There are two loneliness: childish – loneliness in the absence of another, and adult, deep – loneliness in the presence of another. True loneliness is not possible in solitude. It is important to be able to be alone in the presence of another – to be with the person and with yourself. Both with the outside world and with the inside.
A. O.: Absolutely agree. We are always between two poles – positive loneliness and negative loneliness. Pluses and minuses create tension in life. If we return to the example with the box, I would be very worried if the child stayed there for a long time. The meaning lies in solitude and return, in inhalation and exhalation. It would be strange to hear from someone: “I’m so good at holding my breath that I’m ready not to breathe for years.” Even the most enlightened ones first go to meditate and then come back. They return to the world to live, but in a different capacity.