Loneliness is not always pleasant. It happens that despair pushes us into past relationships. But if they were toxic, then on the spur of the moment we can only exacerbate our stress. How to resist and not return to a place where we were not appreciated? And how can we help ourselves when we feel lost and empty?
A lonely evening, a dreary mood, a glass of wine – and the hands themselves are already typing a message to the former. The very one from which you left with thoughts of never getting into such a relationship again.
There was, of course, good in them, and for some reason now it is remembered much more vividly than his insulting attacks, caustic remarks, periods of coldness and flirting with your girlfriend. And this is the moment when you need to tell yourself “stop”. Turn on common sense and understand what exactly pushes you into the unsafe embrace of the former.
Don’t let your brain confuse you
To begin with, it is worth noting that the brain tends to focus on the bad at once, and store the good in long-term memory. Such post-optimism can play a cruel joke – so it’s time to remember what went wrong in the relationship and why you left. There must have been good reasons.
In addition, the brain, according to scientists, is literally “programmed” to seek and maintain closeness with others. Dr. Matthew Lieberman, a neuropsychologist, believes that the ability to make and maintain social connections is the most important predictor of happiness, emotional health, and well-being for people of all genders and ages.
But toxic relationships are by no means healthy and happy. And what we need is secure connections, in which there is a place for mutual respect and care. So if you’ve already reminded yourself why you think your ex is toxic, you should conclude that going back to him won’t give you what you really need. No warmth, no love, no acceptance.
Salvation Plan
Everyone is sad and lonely. In this state, we are vulnerable and can easily make a wrong move. But it will only lead to new problems. Support, sympathy and kindness can be obtained not only in love relationships.
If your personal life is still on pause, it is worth remembering that you probably have relatives and friends. And if the brain requires the “connection” of significant contacts for happiness, then it’s time to take care of yourself and establish these contacts. This will make you feel more resilient, emotionally stronger, and keep you from falling back into a toxic relationship.
Here are 6 points to support yourself at a crucial moment.
- Turn off the news. Stop fueling your anxiety and depressive mood with a flood of negative information. If necessary, set aside time in the morning to learn about major events. But do not dive into savoring the terrible details and pessimistic forecasts – do not increase the stress, there is already enough of it.
- Look into yourself. What are you experiencing? Sadness, anxiety, loneliness, or maybe fear or anger? All emotions have a right to exist. And if they already exist, it is important to notice and recognize them, without masking the standard “I’m fine”.
- Don’t forget that memory retains the good. This property of the mind is to forget insults and mistakes, to keep romantic evenings, travels, feelings. We also need intimacy. But the sudden longing for the hugs of an ex is most likely just a need for hugs, not an ex. Better hug your mom, girlfriend or dog.
- Expand your social circle. Think about a school friend whom you rarely meet, but every time you communicate, as if you saw each other yesterday. Call your family – those with whom you enjoy talking. Write to a colleague from a previous job with whom it was so much fun to have lunch together. Go to the neighbor with a box of chocolates. If you think about it, after all, most are surrounded by people with whom you can have a good time.
- Please yourself. In moments of sadness, it is easy to forget what brings us pleasure. Let you have a list prepared in advance for such a case. What can be in it? A good book by Fannie Flagg? Favorite French comedy? Homemade cake recipe? Or maybe, while no one sees, dancing to stupid music or impromptu home karaoke? It would be great to feel connected with the body – stretching, running, finding an online workout, or just standing in the shower, shifting all your attention to the sensations of the skin under the warm water.
- Practice gratitude. Perhaps this is the simplest and most effective practice to cheer up. The secret is to use it regularly, you can even put a daily “reminder” on your phone, and find something new every time. For example, today you are grateful for the sunny day. Tomorrow – because you have a permanent job. The day after tomorrow – for having had a wonderful dream. We tend to take things for granted, but practicing gratitude helps us appreciate what we have and notice the good.
You can also contact a specialist. Sometimes psychotherapy with a caring and competent professional helps to understand oneself and change the pattern of choosing “inappropriate” partners. Or feel the resources in yourself in order to cope with bouts of loneliness and longing. Or find new interests that will captivate you and give you joy and pleasure. In addition, with a good therapist, you can establish a meaningful, trusting and respectful contact that will help you find support in a sad moment.