Loneliness is a virus that is inherited

How do you imagine a single woman? Most likely, stereotypical thinking draws an aunt — a «blue stocking» with an extinct look. She walks in baggy clothes, she has some kind of careless bun on her head. She is absolutely not interested in men, just like she is in them, and there are always 40 affectionate cats around, so there is someone to take care of.

But times are changing, and self-sufficient women now look completely different than even 40 years ago.

Portrait of a lonely woman — expectation vs reality

The portrait of a modern single woman has changed a lot compared to what it was 100 years ago.

Previously, she was considered single if she could not get married because of her low position in society, because her parents could not collect a dowry, because she did not meet the standards of beauty and upbringing or did not know how to put herself in society, there are now a lot of single women — successful, beautiful, sexy, financially independent, with the opportunity to travel.

But still they are alone. Some are surrounded by admirers who only seem to seek intimacy, but in fact use them for sex. Women each time hope for something more, but after a series of disappointments and unjustified expectations, they stop believing. Opening their souls to a person, they receive pain and separation in response, and as a result, they no longer want to open anything to anyone.

Some do not allow themselves to open up even to a man who sincerely wants to be around.

Others are single, although they live in marriage. Such women sometimes also feel absolute emptiness and social vacuum around them. Proximity, trust, kinship of souls and even sexual attraction to those with whom they have been close for many years is out of the question.

Women who consciously avoid relationships with men can also be lonely. They have achieved a lot in life, they, as a rule, have children from previous marriages and sometimes even a husband with whom neutral friendly relations have been preserved.

Such women often do not want to communicate with men, because they do not see the point in wasting time if they have everything. They are able to provide for their families, they have a place and something to live on, they can afford to pay for dinner at a restaurant or buy a new dress and handbag, and they can travel at their own expense. So why bother with them?

Regardless of age, position and situation, for many single women, relationships are not pleasure, but war, an attempt to establish themselves, feel significant and get the love of a man.

Why are they lonely

Oddly enough, but often single women have too high self-esteem. They create an image of an ideal partner for themselves and make a list of actions that he should be ready for for them.

Such a woman loves herself narcissistically. She admires and takes pride in herself, expecting worship from others. At the same time, she is not interested in feedback from a man (which he is really ready and capable of for her sake): only the scenario that she invented for herself is correct.

Yes, men often agree to these conditions. Some are ready to turn a blind eye to a lot if, in their opinion, a woman is young, attractive and sexy.

Older women are sometimes expected to be more wise and mature. We are talking about a higher status in society, successes and achievements: there are men for whom it is important to be proud of their other half.

Another common cause of loneliness is a lack of communication skills. Such women do not try to understand what is in the other person’s head and how to build an equal relationship.

But in any partnership, regardless of gender, respect between people, the ability to compromise is very important. A man or a woman is equally striving to ensure that their efforts, their feelings are recognized, and not taken for granted. That is why the unwillingness of one of the partners to understand the other inevitably leads to difficulties.

Some women do not believe that they can interest a man with their inner qualities, knowledge, and outlook. They believe that having a baby will give them control over their partner. Or they think that sexuality will allow them to manipulate a man — the more he wants, the more power a woman has over him. But such scenarios tend to end in loneliness.

Originally from childhood

As adults, we use the behaviors that we adopted from our parents in childhood. We get part of the attitudes from explanations of how and in what situations to behave. But the most important lessons parents teach us by their example.

Often a son chooses a wife who is similar in character to his mother. Mothers show their daughters which men to love and which to avoid, what to expect from them and what not to.

When you begin to understand the reason for a woman’s loneliness, it often turns out that she was raised by a single mother or a mother who changed lovers and was never in a serious relationship. In some cases, future singles grew up in families where the mother kept the marriage only for the sake of the children. And all that the girl saw was scandals, tears, beatings.

At the same time, her mother taught her that you need to endure, sacrifice yourself, deny yourself everything, humiliate yourself, apologize (even when you are right) and live with someone you consider bad.

Another scenario — the mother, on the contrary, teaches her daughter that everything must be done to avoid such mistakes and not be with such a disgusting man as her father. But how to build a healthy relationship and how to choose the right husband, she does not explain, because, perhaps, she does not know herself.

As a result, the girl, growing up, either repeats the fate of her mother, or acts «from the opposite.» Makes unrealistic demands, avoids intimacy.

Maternal patterns

Don’t forget the saying: «Don’t educate a child — educate yourself, because your children will still look like you.» Our behavior affects how children will behave with others in the future, how happy they will be in the family or, conversely, unhappy.

If we talk about the relationship of women with men, then there are several destructive behaviors that are transmitted from mothers to daughters. Here are two of them.

The first model is that a woman stays in the family for the sake of children and constantly sacrifices herself for them. She thinks she’s doing what’s best, but in reality she’s only teaching others to prioritize the lives of others over their own. The child has the illusion that he has a strong family. But in reality, it only seems like this: parents pretend that they are in love, respect each other, and this is their conscious choice to be together.

The family is kept from hopelessness, because there is nowhere else to go and no one to go to. Mother shows that it is necessary not to be, but to seem. It teaches you to hide your emotions, to be dependent on others, to deny yourself your own desires and prioritize those of others. It seems to the daughter that the mother is not capable of anything, that she is not a person and not even a person, but rather an appendage to her husband and children.

The second model — a woman gives up her personal life in the name of a child, because she wants to give all her love to him and tries to be a mother and father for him at the same time. This is fraught with the merger of mother and daughter. Such girls often grow up to be women dependent on their mothers, dependent, spoiled, infantile, demanding and capricious.

They get used to the fact that their desires are fulfilled, one has only to want. We are sure that mom will do everything, help in everything, give everything. The girl does not know how to see herself from the outside, listen and hear others.

What happens to the mother? As her daughter grows up, she has two options. The first is to let go of your daughter, but to remain single, because it is already difficult to fill your life with something or someone. The second is to persistently climb into the personal life of an adult child. In the latter case, under the guise of a good adviser, the mother becomes a «third wheel» and destroys her daughter’s relationship.

She, in turn, accustomed to listening to her mother in everything, rejects men, not understanding why she should choose the “wrong” person if there is the best one somewhere. And mom constantly reminds: “You deserve more!”

Alas, this «competition» for the best man can take forever. As a result, an adult woman remains alone with her mother. Or with a mother and a child, if she “has time” to give birth from one of the suitors, who in the end turned out to be “not the same”.

Dealing with bugs: how to be?

Remember that you inherit your life script. Faced with problems in a relationship with a partner, denying yourself something, sacrificing yourself, imagine a daughter in her place.

Try to see how she, having become an adult, comes to you and tells her life story — «from» and «to»: about a series of lovers, about the constant expectation of a «miracle», about disappointments, resentment, betrayal.

To protect yourself and your child from mistakes, write down on a separate piece of paper all the problems that you encountered in a relationship. And then ask yourself: what advice would you give your daughter in a similar situation? It is very important to answer the question from a position of experience and love. Remember, recognizing and acknowledging a problem is already half the way to solving it.