Loneliness is a legacy. How relationships with parents in childhood affect our lives

According to statistics, women are more likely to turn to a psychologist. The most pressing request for therapy is about relationships. “Why am I alone?” As a specialist, I hear in this: “Why can’t I be happy?” And then the problem opens up from a completely different angle.

The clients of a psychologist in private practice are educated and aware individuals. Women come after a series of trainings. Each has read more than one book about relationships, and yet they fail to create a family with a man.

When the problem has already been studied inside and out on a conscious level, it is worth looking deeper into our childhood, into our most significant relationships. Is “maternal affection knows no bounds”?

3 reasons why women are lonely

1. Competition

Did your father bother with you a lot and give you maximum attention and care? Not all wives can take it easy. The daughters then face open aggression or mother’s withdrawal as a passive form of aggression. The reason for this behavior is the insecurity and fears of mothers, rooted in their own childhood.

Girls also face maternal envy of their success, beauty and youth. Envy provokes the mother to suppress his child’s aspirations. If the daughter is perceived as a threat to her own importance, she does not live sweetly.

A girl may not withstand competition and pressure. As a result, the daughter chooses a calm and loving mother, while sacrificing her own interests.

2. Victim

A well-known phenomenon in psychology is the projection of one’s own and family problems onto a child. The daughter becomes a catalyst for conflict. Women who raise daughters without fathers often live in resentment against the latter. Such mothers can be deeply disappointed in relationships.

In this case, the mother will invest in her daughter all her attitudes about men and the family: for example, that you can only rely on yourself. In addition, it is much more pleasant to feel sorry for a daughter than to envy her. The girl gets used to the role of one that is worthy of only sympathy …

Her relationship will be built predictably: acquaintance – disappointment in a man – parting – tears. She will again confirm this status of a victim by playing the game “mom, have pity on me”, and she risks never becoming a happy woman.

3. Significance

In family psychology, there is a concept of dysfunction of one of the partners. Sometimes the situation develops in such a way that a woman cannot cope with the role of wife, mother of the family, and this role, in a sense, is taken over by the daughter.

So, for example, a mother may be physically and emotionally absent, drinking. For one reason or another, she cannot provide enough attention, care and support to a man. The daughter “unloads” her father, listening to him and worrying about him, actively getting involved in conflicts between him and his wife. What kind of relationship is there?

In the event that the love history of the parents was unfavorable and the mother suffers, the daughter may join her suffering. Having matured, such a woman will not allow herself to be happy, because her mother is unhappy. Pain sometimes unites us more than happy moments.

From clients I often hear: “It feels like I will betray my mother if I get married and have a baby.” Another option: mothers deceive themselves and their daughters, assuring that dad will return. The daughter is waiting for her father – together or instead of her mother. In the future, such women are afraid of serious relationships – because then dad will come and see that they are not waiting for him, that his place is taken.

Such a woman does not live her own life. A daughter is not her role in the family. Children absorb all the rules and foundations of the family, choosing them even in return for their own happiness.

How to live your life?

1. Build your life script. Your mom’s script will work if you don’t have your own. Explore, determine your scenario of life and desired relationships. Ask yourself, “What do I want from this relationship? What is acceptable to me, what is not? Don’t follow trends, follow your heart.

2. Strengthen self-worth and personal significance. “I am! And I love myself any ”- this is your goal. Strive to “be” in the broadest sense of the word. After all, this is what was repressed in you as a child. Develop self-love, not just self-esteem – “Well done, because …”. Thank yourself with or without. Spend more time on activities aimed not at the result, but at the process: hobbies and pleasure. You are no longer a little girl, you have the right.

3. Use psychotherapy. Even small changes in your attitude towards your mother will greatly change the way you look at your family and past experiences. A relationship with a mother is a relationship with the whole world. These are the most important relationships in your life. If you live in prejudice against your mother, you will live in pretension and distrust of the whole world.

Of course, mothers love us. Remember that they gave as much love as they could. Your mother’s love, whatever it is, is all there is, she doesn’t have any more. It’s pointless to demand more or blame her. We can love our parents and adapt to those parts of them that can harm us. Relationships with your mother can be a huge resource if they are properly worked out.