Living with Chronic Illness: 7 Recommendations

Toni Bernhard was a 22-year professor of law at the University of California at Davis, was passionate about spiritual practices and taught meditation classes with her husband until a serious illness knocked her out of her usual rut. She had to learn to live in new circumstances. She wrote a book about her experience, How to Live While Being Sick. A few of her recommendations from the book.

1. Pain and disease are part of life. Don’t blame yourself for what happened

Once I realized: every person at one time or another is faced with health problems. And after that she stopped blaming herself and fate for her troubles. I used to think that life was unfair to me, that I was cheated in some way. As soon as I let go, I immediately felt a huge sense of relief.

A sick person has enough difficulties to deal with every day. The question «Why me?» not only unconstructive: it increases anxiety and mental suffering. Why burden yourself with something you can get rid of? Let’s be honest with ourselves: this is human nature, everyone is subject to injury and disease, this is the condition of our existence. For me, being alive is a gift (even if its source is incomprehensible). And I will always try to find ways to live as rich and fulfilling a life as I can, given my limitations. It is impossible to bypass them or not notice: chronic illness has sharply narrowed the possibilities, but this is not my fault.

2. Accepting that life is unpredictable is the first step to coming to terms with circumstances.

If we were in total control of life, we would ensure that we had an exceptionally pleasant experience, right? But the facts are that we generally don’t get what we want (or get what we don’t want). At first glance, this may sound pessimistic. But just not for me. I prefer to know what to expect than to live in ignorance and be constantly disappointed when I don’t get what I expected.

Recognizing that life is uncertain and unpredictable helps to achieve a calm state of mind. The state that allows us to accept with grace everything that fate offers. It’s hard, I don’t argue. I myself am not always cold-blooded, but I adhere to this path.

3. It’s natural to feel alone when you’re isolated.

For many of us, chronic illness forces us to forego an active work and social life and dooms us to relative isolation. A sudden change in lifestyle can be traumatic — on home mode, someone will have to face a feeling of loneliness that they have never experienced before. Over time, with some effective practices, we can transform loneliness into solitude that brings a sense of peace. In any case, there is nothing wrong with feeling alone at times. It happens to me even now. When I happen to get bored, I treat it like an old (and uninvited) friend and do something nice and soothing until it passes.

4. Connect with other people online if possible

20 years ago, a housebound person could communicate with others in only two ways: by phone or during visits by loved ones. Fortunately, today, communication with a large circle of acquaintances allows you to maintain social networks, e-mail, text messages, Skype, Internet forums and so on. In addition, the Internet allows us to keep up to date with medical news regarding our specific health problems.

5. Finding Your Own Rhythm May Be the Best Treatment

The essence of this skill is the ability to properly distribute forces during the day, so that the body is able to cope with the load, and the symptoms of the disease do not worsen. Balance movement and rest. Do not overdo it during the period of time when you feel good, so as not to pay for it later by being bedridden for longer than usual. Distributing forces is a whole art that I have not yet mastered to perfection and continue to learn.

6. The ability to be happy for others will ease suffering and make you feel a little happier.

If the idea of ​​admiring the success of those who are in good health is not at all close to you, there is nothing strange in this. Still, try to be happy for them: it will help you feel better.

Start with pleasant thoughts about accomplishments that you personally don’t crave, such as expressing admiration for a friend’s victory in a major sporting event or someone’s award for a new literary novel. Thinking about the joy of this person, try to feel happy for him.

The more difficult task—which is why it takes practice—is to share the pleasant experience of someone who is doing something that you yourself would like to do but cannot. Let me give you an example: a husband takes his granddaughter to the theater to watch my favorite musical. Before, I only felt envy and resentment. But then she was able to change painful emotions, turn them into a feeling of joy for loved ones. And when I did that, I really felt happy, like they were going to a musical just for me.

I still sometimes get jealous or annoyed when I hear that people do what I would like to do, but at least I have a tool to change emotions. It is worth the effort because envy, irritation and resentment are physically and mentally exhausting. By working on ourselves, we can go a long way towards excluding them from emotional life.

7. Make self-compassion a priority in your life.

I saved the top priority for last. I get a lot of e-mails from people who have read my book How to Live While Sick. What they notice most often is that before they read the book, it never occurred to them that it was possible—and even highly desirable—to show compassion for themselves. And that’s all there is to know about self-compassion: be kind and generous to yourself. This is the best way to relieve the mental anguish that chronic illness causes.

Many people find it easy to sympathize with others, but they criticize themselves relentlessly. They seem to think they don’t deserve their kindness. In my opinion, there is never a good reason to be unkind or harsh with yourself. Of course, you can always learn from your mistakes. But learn and move on without dwelling on guilt.

And remember: despite your health problems, you are still a whole person, and do not let anyone try to convince you otherwise.