Living with children or raising children?

Not all parents, influencing children, educate them. To educate means to instill skills and habits useful for life that turn a child into a person. To educate, you need to be in a reasonable and conscious state, but how often do we stay in such a state? If you answer honestly, most parents will answer: “No!”. When parents, that is, just young people and girls, live in their usual way, that is, without thinking, being in a low-conscious state, they do not raise children, they simply live next to them and simply relate to them somehow. How? Differently…

A large number of parents gave birth, because «it happened», and now they are raising him, because «where are you going, it still yells», and «so that I have less trouble, I will have to educate him.» Most parents raise their children to be less annoying in life. They do not love children, they want less trouble for themselves, they take care of themselves and this is not education, this is protection from children.

However, it is not uncommon for parents to be decent people themselves, but they categorically do not know how to raise children. If this is about you, if you don’t know how to raise children, if everyone’s mood only spoils from your educational activities, leave this matter, at least “for now”. You do not need to educate your children, instead learn to live with them in friendship and cooperation. Most likely, in this case, your child will grow up to be a decent person anyway, and you will save yourself and others nerves.

However, there are quite worthy parents who themselves refuse to raise their children, adhering to the ideology “I don’t raise my children, I live with them!”. Here, for example, is the philosophy of one mother, expressing the position of many mothers: “I am the mother of two children. By the age of 26, I understood for sure: a child from the first day of his life is a person. From birth, the child feels both physical and mental (dis-)comfort. We — moms and dads — are not given to him in order to «educate» him. Sometimes children themselves (re) educate us. We are a mirror for our children, a mirror of their feelings. It is parents (or especially parents) who are given to teach children to understand and express their feelings. And this is so important for both an adult and a child — to be able to understand yourself, to know what you want, and in the end — just for happiness!

If parents believe in a positive start for their children, this approach is often fine with them. It should be noted that “Do not raise children, but simply live with them, live with the soul of a child” is a predominantly female parenting style, but today many fathers are beginning to adhere to this ideology.

One dad’s story:

“They say that an adult does not feel the need to play with a child. Rather, yes, but I would not speak for everyone: anything can happen. However, any person, adult and child, feels the need for pleasure. If the child is not with me at the moment, I choose from all the possible options for myself such an activity from which I get more pleasure. You can also enjoy lying on the couch. If the child is with me, I enjoy playing with him. Why not? You probably already forgot, but I, for example, do it almost every day — I play a variety of games with my son. We even make our own. And not because I can’t “shrink off” his neighbor Misha so that my son can play “racing” on the computer with him, and I would get stuck on the WJ. I just enjoy the process of playing with him. And if for some reason I don’t want to play when my son wants it, I tell him so: “You know, son, I don’t want to play now.” And what do you think, is he throwing a tantrum? No. He says, «Understood, dad.» And for me it also means that he considers me.

Why don’t I make it my goal to teach my son something? Because I am absolutely sure that he will learn everything. When he is with me, he will effortlessly learn what I can do. My task is only to instruct on safety. I just show him where there are sharp and cutting edges, where there are dangerous liquids, where there is dangerous voltage, and so on. And that’s what I can allow you to call my goal. My goal is that everything that my son does or enjoys with my participation is filled with a light energy of pleasure and joy. I do not want to poison him and my life with the negative energy of coercion and submission, hassle and stress in achieving any “my” goal. As Eckhart Tolle wrote, “Let’s say you are a businessman and after two years of hassle, stress, and hard work, you finally manage to create a product or service that sells well and makes money. Is it a success? In the usual sense, yes. In reality, you spent two years polluting both your body and the earth with negative energy, made yourself and those around you unhappy, and also offended many other people whom you had never even met. The unconscious premise of all such actions is that success is a future event and that the end justifies the means. But the end and the means are one and the same. And if the means are not a contribution to human happiness, then the end is not either. The result, which cannot be separated from the actions that led to it, is already polluted by these actions, and therefore will continue to create suffering in the future. This is a karmic action, which is an unconscious fixation of a state of unhappiness.

I don’t know HOW to educate — that’s why I don’t educate. In order not to be mistaken. In this sense, my son is completely uneducated. At least from my dad’s side. And if so, then I have only to BE natural, honest, sincere with him, not to pretend and not to deceive. Come on time. Keep your promises. Laugh when it’s funny. Don’t laugh when it’s not funny (although many do just the opposite). Cry for real, with tears, when there is a reason. Sympathize with others. Laugh at yourself…”

How to treat such an approach? Sometimes it is permissible and even wise, sometimes it is weak and bad. Specifically, here are four different options:

1. If the parents themselves live crookedly and at the same time try (just as crookedly) to raise their children, then the children have two troubles: such parents and the fact that they are raising them.
   
2. If parents live on their own somehow and they have no time for children, no time for their upbringing, this is not bad in its own way. Yes, they don’t teach anything, but at least they don’t interfere with life.
   
3. If the parents are sensible, they themselves live brightly and beautifully, and raise their children not with words and teachings, but with an example of their life, their attitude to life and to people — these are wise and accurate parents who take good care of their children.
   
4. However, if parents not only live brightly, smartly and beautifully themselves, but also feel confident as teachers, know how to raise their children and want to be responsible for the results of their upbringing, the ideology “I don’t raise children, I live with them” no longer suits them. She is not tall enough for them, such people can and should already set more serious tasks.

Methods of upbringing must be selected «according to the growth» of parents …

Video from Yana Shchastya: interview with professor of psychology N.I. Kozlov

Topics of conversation: What kind of woman do you need to be in order to successfully marry? How many times do men get married? Why are there so few normal men? Childfree. Parenting. What is love? A story that couldn’t be better. Paying for the opportunity to be close to a beautiful woman.