He does not understand conversations, does not make concessions. He does not consider himself addicted, although he can drink every day and get drunk once a week. Then he becomes ashamed, he promises that there will be no more. But everything repeats again … Living with an alcoholic is bitter, hard, sometimes even unbearable. But many continue to do so. Why? Psychologist Irina Dybova reflects.
Leaving an alcoholic husband is extremely difficult when there is a clear, deep understanding that he will die. And it’s true: often an alcoholic is supported by his wife. He is more or less full, washed, fed: once a day he will definitely eat, they will force him to wash, they will make sure that he does not walk around in rags at all. Anyway, he’s under surveillance. His wife will nag him, demand money – and with grief in half he will go to at least some kind of work, he will be more or less socialized.
If his wife deprives him of this “parental care”, it is likely that he will not live even six months. He will drink, freeze, choke in a puddle. This is what happens all the time.
A woman is often not ready to take on such a responsibility, she cannot leave her husband without guardianship, especially if her own father drank and did not live long. She knows how it is and doesn’t want to experience it again. If there is at least some hope that a man will survive without it (namely, hope, and not persistently inspired belief), it is easier to leave. If there is someone to shift the worries about her husband – to his parents, brothers or sisters, to another woman who has appeared on the horizon – this removes from her sole responsibility for his life.
A husband who is in a co-dependent relationship, on the one hand with his wife, on the other with alcohol, knows and uses her Achilles heel
The wives of alcoholics do not suddenly become, for no reason at all, they are born. A girl born into a family of alcoholics learns with her mother’s milk that she is responsible for her father. Often the daughter becomes the straw that the father grabs at, worries about the father fall on her shoulders. A woman who has lost her father is afraid to relive the death of a loved one, this time her husband. So he drags his cross all his life, taking responsibility for another person. Angry at her husband for his worthlessness and helplessness, for his inability to leave on his own. Angry at himself for his damned pity. He yearns for the past years, grieves for what was, and what can not be called love.
The husband, who is in a co-dependent relationship, on the one hand with her, on the other hand with alcohol, knows this Achilles heel of hers and uses it in every possible way. Just a little, it starts to “die”. It hurts here and there, and “there’s no reason to live,” and threatens to hang himself, and drinks only because they don’t appreciate him, so beautiful.
And longing here is green, and hopeless despair. Until finally a woman in therapy or in the process of independent personal growth makes a decision for herself: if she wants to die, let her die. She will cry, but she will live on.
Thus, the woman shifts the responsibility back to the man: “I can no longer be responsible for you. If you want to die, die. What to do with your life is up to you. I intend to live.”
About expert
Irina Dybova Coach, Gestalt Therapist. Her .