Living solo: four myths about loneliness

We have been taught for a long time that each of us is part of a family, a clan, a team, that our destiny is to live for the sake of others and together with others. But today the individual life of an individual is becoming more and more valuable. Freedom and personal development are more important than any restrictions and even attachments. Solo living is clearly becoming a trend. And this is not a new ideology, this is a new reality.

In the world, more and more people prefer to live on their own, alone, and this trend is already impossible to ignore. But the book by the American sociologist Eric Kleinenberg «Living Solo: The New Social Reality» is sure to change the way many of us think about the modern phenomenon of «loners». Based on dozens of authoritative studies and hundreds of interviews of his own, Kleinenberg shows that we are less and less willing to share our home with other people. And although in Russia there are plans to enshrine the concept of a “traditional family” almost by law, in the world this ideal has remained in the past.

Today, more than half of Americans live alone, about a third of households consist of one person in Japan, and the fastest growth in the number of «loners» is noted in China, India and Brazil. Globally, the number of those living alone increased by a third between 1996 and 2006, according to Euromonitor International’s research firm, Euromonitor.

More and more Russians, when they have the opportunity to own their own housing, choose the advantages of a free life of their own. As the psychotherapist Viktor Kagan notes, “we can stand up for traditional family values, but we cannot ignore the changes that are taking place.” Eric Kleinenberg is trying to understand them. The material he collected and the conclusions to which he comes in the book “Solo Life” refute the main myths about those who chose loneliness.

Myth one: We are not adapted for solo life.

This misconception has been true for thousands of years. “The one who, by virtue of his nature, and not due to accidental circumstances, lives outside the state is either an underdeveloped creature in moral terms, or a superman,” wrote Aristotle, understanding the state as a collective, a community of people. And this categoricalness is quite understandable. For centuries man was physically and economically unable to survive alone.

It may sound cynical, but the sanctity of the family and social ties (kinship, tribal, whatever) has been conditioned for centuries by the tasks of survival. Today there is no such need. At least in the Western world. “Many wealthy citizens in developed countries use their capital and opportunities precisely to isolate themselves from each other,” writes Kleinenberg. And he deduces four main social factors that have led to the current popularity of living alone.

1. A change in the role of a woman — today she can work and earn on an equal basis with a man and is not obliged to consider family and childbearing as her destiny.
2. A revolution in the means of communication — telephone, television, and then the Internet allow you not to feel cut off from the world.
3. Mass urbanization — it is much easier to survive alone in the city than in the rural outback.
4. Increased life expectancy — many widows and widowers today are in no hurry to enter into a new marriage or move to children and grandchildren, preferring to lead an active independent life.

In other words, the evolution of man and society has overcome many of the negative aspects of living alone. Positive ones came to the fore, of which there were many. “The values ​​of continuing family traditions are giving way to the values ​​of self-realization,” Viktor Kagan believes. In the conditions of the rapid development of civilization, we can realize ourselves only if we are socially active, professionally mobile, and open to change. Perhaps humans were not designed to be alone. But they were not even created for communicating on the Internet or driving a car. However, they do a good job (generally). The same thing happens, probably, with solo life.

Myth two: to live alone means to suffer

Loners are those who live alone, not those who suffer from loneliness, Kleinenberg emphasizes. The reservation is fundamentally important, because these two concepts are synonymous in most languages ​​and cultures — if you live alone, then you will certainly be lonely. Not without reason, after all, life imprisonment in solitary confinement is considered in many countries to be a punishment even more severe than the death penalty.

But is loneliness so scary for everyone? “He who is not sufficiently developed as a person, who is not able to enter into a one-on-one relationship with the world, really suffers in solitude. He loses connections with other people and does not find a worthy interlocutor in himself, — says psychologist Dmitry Leontiev. “And outstanding people — spiritual teachers, writers and artists, scientists, military leaders — greatly valued loneliness as the most important resource for creativity and self-development.” Apparently, the number of such people is constantly growing. And it grows equally among men and women.

True, no historical change can take away the function of a mother from a woman. And therefore, a single woman, approaching the age limit beyond which the birth of a child is no longer possible, cannot but experience anxiety. And yet, women are less likely to marry just for the opportunity to become a mother.

“My favorite poet, Omar Khayyam, has the famous line: “You’d rather starve than eat anything, and be alone rather than with anyone,” says 38-year-old Evgenia, a chemist-technologist. — Why should I suffer with an unloved person, if I live perfectly on my own? For the sake of a child? Are you sure that he will grow up happy in a family where parents do not love each other?

It seems to me that in such families people suffer from loneliness — no matter how many people there are together under one roof. This observation almost verbatim repeats the thesis of social psychologist John Cacioppo: “The feeling of loneliness depends on the quality, not the quantity, of social contacts. What is important here is not the fact that a person lives alone, it is important whether he feels lonely. Anyone who has divorced their spouse will testify that there is no lonelier life than living with a person you don’t love.»

So the life of a solo is not necessarily a torment, and one should not think that a loner is necessarily lonely and unhappy. “One of the manifestations of an escape from loneliness is the steady mass demand for communication training,” notes Dmitry Leontiev, not without irony. “It seems that training in loneliness, learning to use loneliness as a resource for development, would be much more productive.”

Myth Three: Loners are useless for society

Even if we leave aside the legendary hermits and philosophers, whose instructions and revelations have become a serious part of the spiritual experience of mankind, this thesis does not hold water. The modern urban lifestyle is largely shaped by loners and their needs. Bars and fitness clubs, laundries and food delivery services arose primarily because people living alone needed their services. As soon as their number in the city reached a certain “critical mass”, the city, responding to their needs, created more and more new services that came in handy for family people as well.

32-year-old Pavel works as an economist. He does not have a permanent girlfriend, and he does not seek to create a family yet. Lives alone and is quite happy with it. “I often have to go on business trips,” he says. — Work late or on weekends. It is unlikely that all this will benefit the family, but I like my work, and I feel like I am becoming a real high-class professional. Pavel does not complain about the lack of communication, he has enough friends. He regularly helps volunteers in search of missing people, and even advises municipal deputies on economic issues from time to time. So, from the point of view of social involvement, you can’t call Pavel a “cut off slice”.

His lifestyle is a confirmation of global statistics, according to which single people, on average, are twice as likely to go to clubs and bars than those who are married, eat in restaurants more often, attend music and art classes and participate in volunteer projects. “There is every reason to assert,” writes Kleinenberg, “that people living alone compensate for their condition by increased social activity, exceeding the activity of those who live together, and in cities where there are many loners, cultural life is seething.” In a word, if someone stimulates the development of society today, it is just, first of all, loners.

Myth four: we are all afraid of being alone in old age

The debunking of this myth is perhaps one of the most surprising revelations of the book Living Solo. As it turns out, the elderly, who for centuries were credited with the inability to live alone, are increasingly choosing this kind of life.

“The space of communication has become immeasurably wider than it was even just half a century ago, protecting from loneliness, but eliminating “friction by the sides,” explains Viktor Kagan. “It can even attract older people. “We are different,” a 65-year-old friend told me, “I need my cup of coffee and pipe in the morning, a piece of meat for lunch, I like a full house of guests and I am indifferent to the order in the house, but she does not digest my pipe, an orthodox vegetarian and whole I’m ready to take dust off things for days, but we love each other — so we began to live in different houses, we go to visit each other on weekends or together with children, we travel together and are completely happy.

But even having lost a partner for one reason or another, older people are not at all in a hurry to acquire a new one or move to grown children. The main reason is the established way of life. It is difficult to “fit” a new person into it. And it is even more difficult to «fit» into someone else’s house, even if it is a family of one’s own children. Many older people note that they do not want to witness problems in their children’s families or feel like a burden for them, and communication with grandchildren out of joy too often turns into hard work. In a word, there are many arguments, but the conclusion is the same: old people also want to be alone and increasingly prefer a solo life. And if in 1900 only 10% of elderly widows and widowers in the United States lived alone, writes Kleinenberg, then in 2000 they were already noticeably more than half (62%).

And their quality of life is better than many tend to think. As late as 1992, older people living alone were more satisfied with life, had more contact with social services, and had no more physical or mental disabilities than their peers who lived with relatives. In addition, those who lived alone were healthier than those who lived with other adults — with the exception of a spouse (and in some cases even those who live with a partner). Is it any wonder that older people around the world — from America to Japan, where family values ​​are traditionally strong — today increasingly prefer to live solo, refusing to move in with children, and even more so — in nursing homes?

It may be difficult for many of us to come to terms with the idea of ​​the advent of the «age of loners.» Both our parents and grandparents professed completely different values, which they passed on to us. Now we have to make a choice: life with relatives or one, common plans or personal convenience, tradition or risk? Freed from myths, we will be able to better understand ourselves and take a more sober look at the world where our children will live.