Should I always be flexible and help others? And when it is difficult for you, you are tired and there is no resource? If the mindset “if I don’t help, then I’m bad” sits in you, most likely your personal boundaries have often been violated, and you are unable to defend them.
To live for the sake of others is to constantly put yourself in danger. Others may not consider your resources, ignore your needs and desires. They want to get what they want, no matter what the cost.
Crossing borders can (and most often happens) even the closest people — husband, parents, friends. A friend asks to borrow a dress that you do not want to give. The husband invites friends to visit, although he knows that you need to prepare for the performance. You have planned a trip for the weekend, and your parents are calling to help with repairs. Agree or refuse? Will you be «comfortable» or choose yourself?
Throughout your life, one way or another, you will find yourself in situations where you have to give up your interests, put the opinions and needs of other people above your own. Sometimes you feel like you’re doing it sincerely. From the bottom of your heart you want to help, save, please, spread straw.
But later you do not receive thanks in return, and sometimes you are rude or ignored. How so? You behaved well, you did everything right, but for some reason good partnerships with the authorities and the team do not develop, the child does not obey, the husband does not kiss for a long time, does not give flowers and does not even communicate kindly, politely, and the parents stopped supporting .
Why is this happening?
Trainings on revealing femininity will not help here. Because before you look for a woman in yourself, you need to find and love the inner child. Understand that you have the right to do what you want, the right to be happy, to play, to be spontaneous, to start new things without fear.
But this is precisely where problems arise, because you learn many negative scenarios as a child. Therefore, as adults, you cannot answer “no”, defend the boundaries, demand a decent wage for your work, part with a partner who makes you unhappy.
When you need to think about yourself and your own benefit, a little girl raises her head in you, who believes that she should be comfortable, should not make noise, interfere, strain, and then she will be loved. Most likely, this means that you have not grown out of childhood, have not even grown up to a teenager who rebels and defends personal boundaries. You repress and do not recognize your anger and irritation, because seeing them, people may think badly of you.
half life
Unfortunately, in this case it is impossible to become whole. Only one part of you lives, and you force the other part to be silent, although it (with healthy aggression) can help achieve goals and fulfill dreams. The second, rebellious half will easily defend the salary increase before the authorities, go on a trip, despite the requests of their parents, and will wear a dress that it is a pity to give to a friend.
To visualize your «partial» life, take a sheet of paper. Remember the qualities that you can not show or that you do not like in yourself — lazy, irritable, aggressive.
As you name each, tear off a piece of paper. As a result, you will not have a whole sheet on which you can write your fate, but only a small torn piece. Here you are trying to fit all your goals, desires and happiness on it, but there is not enough room for maneuver, which means that strength and energy will not be enough to move through life.
You have the right to be bad
To regain the right to demand, to be evil, ugly, harmful, uncomfortable, arrogant, assertive, you need to separate from your parents. Separate, you will feel whole and mature. You will know for sure that you cannot be humiliated, offended. You will have your own rules, and they will not change depending on what kind of person is in front of you. After separation, you will leave the world of “I have to, I am ashamed of my desires, I feel guilty” into the world of “I want, I respect my desires.”
The separation process can be started without the help of a psychologist. Good help sport and any regular exercise. They allow you to collect your «bank of success». Fix even fleeting achievements, learn to praise yourself and notice what your beauty and strength are. Fill your inner voids and learn to rejoice, rest, relax, fill up. Only then should a new relationship begin.
You will calmly say “no” and not feel remorse, because at this moment your sincere concern for others will manifest.