Between about 45 and 55 years of age, we realize that we have one life and the end of this one life is inexorably approaching. We meticulously examine the path we have traveled, wonder about the future and (do not) dare to change … This is a painful stage, but it can also become extremely fruitful.
“It happened unexpectedly,” says 44-year-old Nadia. “My kids have grown up and I have more time for myself. My husband and I went through a difficult period, but the worst was over. It was then that this happened – everything that I considered important in life lost its meaning. I wanted something else, I wanted to live my own, only my own life, while there is still time.
Between about 45 and 55 years of age, we realize that we have one life and the end of this one life is inexorably approaching. “Crow’s feet” in the corners of the eyes, the first silver hair – at first we just notice age-related changes, and then something happens …
“The trigger for a crisis is most often an external event: dismissal from work, the transitional age of children, the death of a loved one,” says philosopher and psychoanalyst Anne Dufourmantel. “This shock overturns our entire habitual way of life and makes us look back at the past years.”
Have I become what I wanted to be? What am I missing? In which direction should I go next? “There is a feeling that you were walking along a knurled track, not choosing the path yourself, and got lost,” 47-year-old Robert describes his experience. “I felt at a dead end.”
At this time, there is a risk of committing a rash act, seizing on the first answer that comes across, just to get rid of dizziness. “The crisis often manifests itself in erotic experiences,” notes Anne Dufourmentel. “We are seized by desire, and we suddenly notice that we have ceased to recognize our own body. For example, a woman in the arms of a lover is aware of this change and allows herself to explore her new facets.
Watch yourself from the side
The fear of letting a bird out of our hands for a pie in the sky can lead us into denial: this is temporary, it will pass. “But just as a teenager will experience difficulties if he tries to resist the powerful pressure of age-related changes, so an adult in the middle of life risks serious trouble if he refuses to accept this stage,” warns family psychologist Inna Shifanova. “So the problem is not the transition itself from one age category to another, but rather the refusal to accept this transition.”
The crisis occurs in adulthood, but its roots go back to childhood. As we grow older, we learn to provide ourselves with emotional security by adjusting our behavior to other people’s expectations. And as a result, as Carl Gustav Jung believed, we become a character that does not contain our whole being.
The hardest thing is for those who perceive their life as fragmented, as if it consists of separate episodes that are not connected with each other.
Over time, this mask begins to choke us. Our Shadow – that which slumbers in us without being expressed – reminds us of itself. Thus, the mid-life crisis corresponds to the decisive moment of “individuation”: at this time we get a chance to realize ourselves in all fullness, to express our innermost essence.
For some, this transformation occurs quite smoothly. For others, it is more difficult. Why? The hardest thing is for those who perceive their life fragmented, as if it consists of separate episodes that are not connected to each other, Inna Shifanova notes: “They seem to have placed pieces of their lives in different boxes, sometimes hermetically sealed. Patients may even forget about some of them.”
These “forgotten boxes”, corresponding to painful moments in their past, are a kind of “enclaves” that cannot develop along with the rest of the personality.
5 questions to yourself
It’s good to ask questions about yourself. According to family psychologist Inna Shifanova, by asking ourselves questions, we become more attentive to the answers that come from where we did not expect them.
- Looking back at the lives of my parents do you recognize the same habits and stereotypes in yourself? Are you still trying to earn their approval?
- What do you want to pass on to your children? What values, what principles?
- Do you feel resistance, unwillingness to change some aspects of your life? Do you expect the other person to make decisions that you don’t want to make?
- What did you dream about as a child, as a teenager? What happened to those dreams? Which of them can be revived and how? What new dreams and desires do you have?
- When do you feel happier more real? What does this say about you?
“A part of me froze at the age of five, when my parents divorced and I took over the comfort of my mother,” admits 42-year-old Polina. “Since then, I have kept a low profile, not allowing myself my own desires and suffering from it.”
The midlife crisis allows our inner child to express itself and finally receive recognition. What have you done to me? What parts of me have you neglected? When will you let them exist? “Here it is about recognizing that we could not do otherwise, and move on,” advises Anne Dufourmentel.
We manage to overcome the crisis when we discover that we can be “just” ourselves, with all our strengths and weaknesses, our desires and our history. It is both very simple and extremely difficult.
We can observe ourselves as if we were another person, listen to what emerges from the bottom of our soul and what we do not yet know about ourselves.
Robert admits that his main ally was time: “Live day after day, solve one problem after another, not trying to take everything under control.” Indeed, in order for the reorganization of personality to take place, which has already begun and during which deep layers come to the surface, reflecting our essence and seeking fulfillment, we must let go of the situation and accept everything that happens.
“We can observe ourselves as if we were another person,” suggests Anne Dufourmentel, “listen to what emerges from the bottom of our soul and what we do not yet know about ourselves.” During this period, important messages may come to us in dreams.
The body also gives clues: “Faced with what no longer suits us, it tenses, shrinks,” says psychotherapist Thierry Janssen. “And when it relaxes again, we feel that the situation has become life-giving for us, that now it gives us strength.” And then directions are indicated in which we still do not allow ourselves to go.
Is there a risk of hurting loved ones? Do the wrong? These questions are perfectly legitimate.
Understand what we want
We begin cautious experiments, we want to take a closer look at what attracts us. We try to distinguish between empty bait and what really suits us. Sometimes we get a feeling – “yes, this is it”, and strength is added in order to move on.
But this movement is not in a straight line. There are days when we retreat so that tomorrow we can move forward faster. And sometimes the fear reappears, “that to be yourself is to betray your personal history, your loved ones,” says Anne Dufourmentel, and then we explore (perhaps with the help of a psychotherapist) “the unconscious manifestations of loyalty that make us think so.”
Talking with friends allows us to see what we fear from a different angle, better understand what words to describe our choice, and regain confidence.
“There comes a moment when, after a long search, we come to clarity,” Nadezhda reflects. We know what we want and what we no longer want, we discover a different way of life that allows us to be happier, to be more ourselves. And we feel that we are ready to accept it calmly, without mental turmoil.
The crisis helps us to pass through the “narrow gates”: they are made exactly to our measurements and can only let us through. Narrow gates that lead to space.