Little secrets of great pleasures

Psychologies: While working on your book, you met a lot of people who consider themselves to be completely «sexually satisfied.» What can they teach us?

Maite Sove: A lot, and especially the fact that the sex industry, which promotes mechanical, superficial sexuality, does not respond to either the biological needs or the hormonal dynamics that underlie our sexual enjoyment. What does it mean to be satisfied? This is very subjective. However, all the people I spoke to in this study describe the same condition.

I am referring in particular to the story of a man who, at the age of 45, having gone through difficult times, discovered that love relationships could bring him satisfaction, although he did not at all imagine that this was possible at all. He said that in life and in relationships with women, he is now «not outside the landscape, but inside it.» He became fully involved in his feelings. Also, all respondents had an experience of very intense pleasure, so acute that they had a feeling of falling into another reality. When I asked them to rate their satisfaction on a scale of 1000 to XNUMX, they told me, “At least XNUMX!”

To be specific, this is a consequence of a rather powerful “hormonal flood”. Then I wondered how people achieve this state. In all the stories, I drew attention to the importance of waiting — both from a psychological and biological point of view. During the first encounters, and even afterward, if we are past the «I’m waiting» or «I’m dreaming» stage, we don’t allow our enjoyment to develop.

Why is this time of waiting or fantasy so important?

When we expect something, our brain prepares to release dopamine, the pleasure hormone. Take, for example, a child who is waiting for a Christmas present. At the moment when he receives this gift, he has a very significant release of hormones. From a biological point of view, it is the expectation that allows the desire to form, and then gives access to the sensation of pleasure. It is for this reason that you need to be able to take your time — both in the field of building relationships, and in regard to the very process of sexual recognition of each other. In the meantime, today a lot of people «get down to business» too quickly. This is especially true of the young, who rush into battle without any preparation.

But pleasure does not depend only on this stage of expectation …

Of course not. Another important element is touch. Biologically, 80% of arousal comes from touch and only 20% from visual impressions. So we desperately need physical contact of all parts of the body. On the surface of our skin there is a significant number of receptors that are also pleasure traps. Gentle touches awaken these areas and trigger the release of orgasm-promoting hormones. Pleasure covers the whole organism, and then the feeling of identity with oneself is very strong.

Previously, sexuality was not recognized as a fundamental factor in a person’s self-identification. Meanwhile, we all feel the need to recognize ourselves as a person who is satisfied through attachment and physical contact — this need is more primary than even the need for food. When we experience pleasure through such contact, we experience a positive sense of self.

This waiting «before» and «during» — does it allow you to get to know the other better? And yourself?

Those who they said found satisfaction usually experienced a similar scenario. They were psychologically ready for a new meeting, they met someone who was right for them, then they trusted each other to be fully themselves. The intellectual attraction was followed by the physical. They gradually open each other sexually.

For a very long time, love was considered a complete merger, a loss of personal boundaries. This frightened the men, and none of them wanted to see themselves in this position. The men and women I met spoke about relationships that were not necessarily love, but in which they were able to appreciate in another his personality and opened up to themselves. In a way, this is smart love. For them, it was not about merging, but rather, on the contrary, about appreciating differences.

Does it happen the same in men and women?

We’ve been told for a long time that male pleasure is all about speed and not necessarily feeling. And women were attributed sentimentality. Meanwhile, my research suggests just the opposite: Satisfied men felt more masculine when they experienced love and affection, understood as a genuine sense of being themselves. The traditional image of a man who gets pleasure mechanically is a disaster. But interestingly, young men, unlike men in their 60s and 70s, are fully aware of the need for emotions in order to experience pleasure.

Indeed, it is emotions that give access to pleasure. If some claim that they experience a stronger orgasm when they don’t feel anything, it’s because they are less afraid then. But in any case, the “hormonal flood” necessary for enjoyment will not arise if you experience only minimal emotions.

And the women?

The idea of ​​a woman being passive during sex is completely outdated. If there is only acceptance on her part, she loses about 90% of her pleasure without even realizing it! It is necessary that a woman participate in pleasure. And this requires knowledge. Thus, the common notion that there is a gap between the clitoral and vaginal orgasm is completely absurd, because the nerve pathways inside the body and outside are the same! But few women know about it: after all, the vagina is difficult to study, since it is located deep inside the body. And suddenly the woman is lost and does not know where to move, even if she is completely relaxed.

According to statistics, 70% of women have not experienced a vaginal orgasm. A man penetrates them, they enjoy it, it lasts for a while — and now they are already thinking: «This must be an orgasm.» And they have nothing more to say. But those women who consider themselves satisfied are very clear about what they experience. They describe a vaginal orgasm that is most often triggered by clitoral stimulation. Moreover, they know that the sensation of a vaginal orgasm causes vaginal contractions, which also greatly enhance the sensation of pleasure in their partner.

Now they start talking about it, but not too much … I myself learned this only after I gave birth, during classes to restore the elasticity of the perineum. These classes are very important, and young women who have given birth should be told about this.

It turns out that a woman should also control her body during lovemaking?

If a man must learn to control himself, then a woman must be able to listen to the reactions of her body and follow the reactions of her partner. Women who know, according to them, real pleasure, say that when an orgasm approaches, they know how to squeeze the muscles of the vagina so that the partner does not move too fast. Partners must be aware of the role of these muscle contractions in achieving orgasm.

When it comes to sexuality, many today do not pay attention to their own feelings, and this, in my opinion, is a big omission. Meanwhile, only when we listen to them and try to appropriate ourselves as much as possible, we can get into the rhythm of a partner.

However, pleasure is often presented as something that concerns only one person, even, perhaps, something selfish …

This view of sexuality greatly impoverishes her. I put it in the same category of misconceptions as the «fountain women» with their «ejaculation», which are much talked about today. I think there is a serious problem here, because this is a purely masculine — even macho — concept of sexuality. As if ejaculation is necessary for orgasm! It is important to tell men and women that satisfaction is achieved in much simpler ways than those that have been pointed out to them so far. Sometimes a little is needed.

Being yourself is very important. And trusting another is also something that not everyone can boast of. You also need to be able to be patient, enrich your knowledge, develop naturally. It can be helpful to get to know your own body and the body of another, either through dancing or through other shared pleasures, such as dinner at a restaurant. Such activities, even before entering into a sexual relationship, increase the level of dopamine and favor the multiplication of pleasure.

About the expert: Maite Sove is a neurophysiologist who has been doing research in the field of sexology for many years. Author of the book «To be yourself in pleasure» («Etre soi dans le plaisir», Chiron, 2006).