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They give directions, decide what they will eat for dinner, and do not allow themselves to be taken care of. They control parents and other relatives. In a word, they look strong, independent and … almost adults. But this is an apparent maturity, behind which lies the despair of children in need of protection and guardianship.
“Bring other paints, these do not suit me! Bring it now, I say! – demands six-year-old Dima, and mother hastily hurries to another room for paints. But how not to rush if inspiration came to Dima? Let the child create and not be distracted by anything, it’s not difficult for her.
“Dasha, please go home,” the grandmother plaintively asks her four-year-old granddaughter on the playground. “We have been walking for two hours already, and I still have to go to the store and cook dinner.” “No, I haven’t played enough yet,” Dasha insists. And continues to roll down the hill. And then at home she declares that she does not like cabbage soup and she wants soup with vermicelli. Grandmother sighs and starts to cook “noodles”.
There are more and more children who tell their parents what to do and make them obey. It would seem that this is bad: they know what they want and know how to insist on their own, they look strong and independent. Does a child get in the way of leadership skills and the ability to insist on what he needs, to show character?
The biggest mistake is to mistake a child’s demonstration of strength for maturity.
Yes, if we are talking about attachment relationships, that is, his connection with close adults. According to Gordon Neufeld1, the task of parents is to be in the “alpha” position, to give care and care. The task of the child is to seek and express readiness to receive care. In other words, children need to depend, need us, and accept that dependency.
Temporary manifestations of self-will, a commanding tone, or the desire to fit in everywhere with your opinion sometimes happen to all children. “A child can take care, be alert, but he should not get stuck in this state,” says psychologist Valentina Yachichurova. “In parent-child relationships, such a burden is unnatural for a child and is too heavy, unbearable.”
The biggest mistake is to mistake a demonstration of his strength for maturity. “Domination is an act of desperation,” says clinical psychologist and attachment specialist Deborah McNamara. – When children play a leading role, they cannot grow normally: concern for their own safety is more important for them than the tasks of growing up. The survival instinct comes to the fore, and this comes at the expense of rest, play and further development.
How and why does role reversal occur? Deborah McNamara names seven reasons why children begin to command their parents.
1. Adults are influenced by their own childhood experiences.
Quite often, reacting to children’s pranks and whims, parents are guided by memories of their childhood. If, for example, the mother had authoritarian parents, she may choose a gentle, indulgent style of behavior so as not to inflict the same emotional wounds on the child that she herself received.
In this case, she is concerned about her own feelings, and not the child’s need for rules and boundaries (which do not negate regret and sympathy). Self-reflection and a sincere desire of parents to separate personal expectations and motives from the needs of the child will help to solve the problem.
2. Care on demand
The task of parents is to independently recognize, read the needs of the child and fully provide for them. When adults take a passive approach, that is, simply respond to the demands of the child, they make it the child responsible for meeting their needs.
For example, if a child says: “I am hungry. I want something to eat, ”which means that the parent has already missed the moment when it was necessary to satisfy the child’s need for food.
Sometimes adults are too busy or tired, or find that they are not interested in some of the responsibilities associated with the role of caring adult. Be that as it may, without taking on a leading role, they create the conditions for a small child to take a dominant position in the relationship between them.
3. The principle of equality
It happens that young children are consulted on too many matters concerning their care. Questions such as “What do you want for dinner?”, “Are you staying overnight?”, “Do you want to visit your grandparents or go for a walk?”, “Which school would you like to go to?” suggest that the child has authority. , which should not be.
When children are in charge of caring for or building relationships with the outside world, this causes problems with the alpha position (leading position) of the parents. Young children should take it for granted that they will be cared for, they should not turn into advisers on their needs.
This does not mean that we should completely deprive them of the opportunity to choose. But you should not give a choice in terms of care: in matters of nutrition, safety or contact with relatives. The choice of clothing, bedtime stories, or toys provides them with enough wiggle room and flexibility to grow up to be independent individuals.
4. Too many separations
The fear of parting with a close adult is familiar to any child, which reflects the great need of children for affection. Physical separation is part of their daily experience. But when there is too much of it, the parent-child hierarchy can be broken.
When a child is taken care of by a stranger, a nanny or caregiver, it is necessary to establish the right relationship between them in order to prevent the child from falling into the position of alpha.
5. Lack of protection when faced with violence
When a child is bullied, emotionally or physically abused by an adult, sibling, peer or teacher, they need parental support and protection.
If they do not notice what is happening or are not able to put the offender in his place, and even more so do not try to protect the child from mockery, this non-intervention of the parents inflicts on the child an even greater emotional wound than, in fact, the offender himself. Feeling unsafe around the people most important to him, the child learns to defend himself and, as a result, take a dominant position.
6. High sensitivity in a child
Some children are born too sensitive to signals from the outside world. They are sensitive to everything, and therefore it is more difficult for them to believe that someone can take care of them. Their strong experiences are expressed in increased demands and sharp reactions that can drive adults crazy: “You are unbearable!”, “Why are you making a tragedy out of everything?” or “I don’t know what to do with you!”.
Such phrases undermine the leading role of the parent, because they show that he does not understand the child and does not know how to take care of him. Sensitive children need confident alpha parents who are able to remain in the position of caring adult despite the young child’s strong feelings and difficult behavior.
7. Disturbing experience
Parents may lose their leading role as a result of a child having a disturbing experience. This could be a fracture, an accident, major dental treatment, surgery, a robbery, or the death of a loved one. Faced with such a terrible event, the child begins to think that his parents will not be able to ensure his safety.
The good news is that when the adult takes a firm stance as a caregiver, the child can settle into the caregiver again, but this often takes time and patience.
Parents should remember: behind the “little commander” is a child who desperately wants to depend on someone and be protected in a relationship with the one who is responsible for him. Our task is to free children from the need to manage their lives and demonstrate by our behavior that we are their support.
1 https://alpha-parenting.ru/