Contents
We like being heard. But how well can we do it ourselves? The skill of attentive listening helps to build harmonious relationships. Psychotherapist John Amodeo talks about how to learn this and deepen relationships.
Take care
If you were asked if you care about your partner and friends, you would probably answer: «Of course.» But if you dig deeper, what does that really mean? We can comfort ourselves by clinging to the image we have created of being a caring person.
But in order to care for others, we must be mature enough to go beyond our own worldview and see other people as individuals with a unique set of feelings, hopes, and fears. Caring means supporting our loved ones in their personal growth and relationships with their own lives, not just with us.
Philosophy professor Milton Mayeroff wrote about this in the classic book On Caring: “In order to care for another person, I need to understand him and his world as if I were inside … I need to be with him in his world, to penetrate there to get a feel for how that person perceives life.»
Expand your area of attention and interest
Caring means being interested in another person. Instead of trying to get someone interested in ourselves, we focus on being interested in others. Of course, it is also important for us to be heard. But sincerely interested in another person, we take the first step towards mutually enriching communication.
When we listen with an open heart, without judgment, we create an atmosphere of security, and this strengthens the fragile bridges of trust between us and others.
Stay in touch with the body
We can listen more carefully when we are relaxed. While people share important feelings and perspectives with me, I remind myself to breathe in order to stay in touch with myself—listening not just with my mind, but with my heart. Of course, this doesn’t always work out perfectly. We are all easily distracted.
But just as a child needs a “good enough mother,” everyone needs a “good enough listener” to feel that they are important. People notice when they are truly listened to.
If we feel accepted rather than judged, we are safer to show vulnerability and share personal information. Fear subsides when we feel that we are being taken care of.
Somatic psychotherapeutic approaches such as Focusing, Somatic Experiencing, and the Hakomi Method can help us learn to stay in touch with the feelings that live within us. And when we are open to our inner experience, it is easier for us to tune in to other people and be more sensitive to them.
Notice your defensive reactions
When people express their feelings, especially towards us, it is not easy to remain calm. The more we accept our own emotions, the easier it is for us to stay in touch with other people without losing touch with ourselves. People understand that we are not comfortable with sharing their feelings with us and may shut down to protect us or themselves.
Tracking our defensive reactions means noticing bodily sensations and emotions that arise when we react to something, become defensive or «freeze.» Being aware of these reactions, we can stop, pay attention to our breathing and observe what is happening inside us.
For example, you may notice anger bubbling in your stomach when your partner complains about how little attention you give him or how late you got home. Behind this feeling may be shame that you violated the agreement or were not attentive enough. Shame often motivates us to attack or withdraw.
The art of listening lies in being included in a person sincerely, with all your heart.
Instead of responding in fight-or-flight mode, we may slow down enough to notice deep shame. He is less accessible to awareness, because it hurts to feel, and he can shake the image we have created of ourselves as an ideal person or a caring partner. Realizing this shame, we can take a step back, perhaps share what we are ashamed of and accept responsibility for our actions.
For example, say, “I’m sorry. You are right. Lately, I’ve drifted away from you. It’s hard for me to hear this, but thanks for saying. I want to be a good partner and I don’t feel good about being so absent and unresponsive lately.» When we listen carefully and refrain from reacting out of our psychological defenses, loved ones feel respected, seen and heard. It is a powerful tool for restoring shattered trust and recreating lost intimacy.
The art of listening lies in being included in a person sincerely, with all your heart. I write about this in Authentic Heart: An Eightfold Path to Midlife Love. It means being interested in the well-being and happiness of a loved one and supporting him along the way.
Just as plants need enough water and sun to grow, so people need nutrients such as sincere attention and care from loved ones in order to develop their potential.
About the Author: John Amodeo is a family and couples therapist and author of Love & Betrayal: Broken Trust in Intimate Relationships (Balantine Books, 1994), Dance with Fire: A Mindful Path to Harmonious Relationships. relationships” (Dancing with Fire: A Mindful Way to Loving Relationships, Quest Books, 2013).