We grew up in a culture that values »playing by the rules.» However, the world does not live by these rules.
Do you remember the first time you said those words? Maybe playing table lotto as a child? Or, like me, when I saw that a player of the opposing football team touched the ball with his hand? We grew up in a culture that values fairness and «playing by the rules.» There is only one «but» — the world does not live by these rules. So physicists say that the Universe strives for maximum disorder, or entropy — and not for justice at all! And yet, most of us react to injustice, resentment, and even natural disasters as if we have been treated unfairly. This is a completely understandable feeling: if we are attacked, robbed or deceived, we have every right to be upset and angry. If you’ve been through a painful breakup or divorce, you’ll understand me too. You will almost certainly need time to mourn the loss and come to terms with the injustices of the world. And although our bitter feelings are understandable, they can do us more harm than good: we risk losing the taste for life and the very trust in it. How to get out of this trap and where to look for a foothold?
Thai meditation master Ajahn Chah once told me: “If we want to turn a duck into a chicken, we doom ourselves to suffering.” And if, after making an effort to change the situation, we find that the duck is still a duck, we should not take this as an internal defeat.
It is better to get rid of these bitter feelings of yours: after all, they can do us more harm than good.
The Stoics argue that it is not people or events that hurt and upset us, but our interpretation of them. We are tormented by our own will, and it is in our power to get out of this captivity. This is a paradoxical idea for many of us, and I often hear from patients: “Doctor, you are not trying to say that if someone in front of witnesses allows himself an offensive attack against me, there is nothing offensive in this ?! The Stoics would have answered this like this: «It was not the words that offended you, but the way they were reflected in you.» In other words, we are free to react differently. In many respects, the principles of modern cognitive therapy are built on this. Psychologist Albert Ellis breaks down resentment into three components. A is the event that triggered our emotion. C — directly emotion. Between them, B is our own interpretation of the event: «I can’t leave it like this, it’s humiliating!» Ellis sees such thinking as irrational and catastrophic. Meanwhile, the best thing to do is to remain calm and dignified. After all, we have done nothing wrong. And that’s the only thing that really matters. The Stoics would say that we have given too much value to the opinions of others and too little value to our own. If we simply ignore what has been said, we will have no reason to be offended. And if life once again hurts, perhaps you, like me, will be supported by the phrase of Marcus Aurelius: «I do what I must, and come what may.»
* A. Ellis «Reason and Emotion in Psychotherapy» (Citadel Press, 1994).