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Do you often meet people who know how to listen to the interlocutor? Most likely no. In any case, in one survey, a third of the participants said that their pet does it much better than their partner. Agree, both funny and sad at the same time. How to get back this lost skill?
Sad but true: we have practically forgotten how to listen to each other, even when it comes to something really important. So, the average doctor interrupts the patient’s monologue at the 11th second, although on average it takes at least 29 seconds to describe the symptoms.
But the main thing is that we ourselves do not understand how bad things are. For example, 94% of managers who were rated by their employees as the worst listeners consider themselves good or even excellent in this regard.
Being able to listen means more than just talking less. You also need to ask relevant questions and correctly respond to the words of the interlocutor. As Karl Capek wrote, “hearing is more than understanding words.” This means being sincerely interested in what excites and captivates the narrator, instead of immediately assessing his actions or trying to assert himself at his expense.
This is not easy — the temptation is too great, without listening to the interlocutor, to immediately indicate his opinion or offer a solution. This temptation is worth resisting with all your might. Although the patient goes to the doctor specifically for help and solution, compassion is equally important for him, especially when it comes to mental illness.
Does it matter what kind of listener we have in front of us?
When we are “correctly” listened to, we feel better, and this is confirmed by experiments. Associating with an empathic, attentive listener who is slow to judge us reduces our level of anxiety and negates the need to be defensive.
When we are not reproached for «contradicting ourselves», we are more willing to understand ourselves, our attitude to the situation, and freely share our discoveries.
And this happens not only when we talk with someone one on one, but also when communicating in groups. When people sit in a circle and take turns speaking while others listen intently, the speakers feel more relaxed and come to deeper and more interesting conclusions, as shown by experiments conducted in government agencies, IT companies, and schools.
How can I get my listening skills back?
Psychologists recommend practicing on those with whom communication is most difficult for you, whom it can be difficult for you to understand. You can immediately explain to them everything as it is: that you would like to pump your skill and for this you need the interlocutor to share his thoughts for several minutes in a row, and you would silently listen.
Your task at first is to cope with the emerging impulse to interrupt the interlocutor, to object to him, to explain how things “really” are, to offer a ready-made solution. Just listen and try to see the situation through his or her eyes.
After all, as Socrates said, “Nature gave us two eyes, two ears, but only one tongue, so that we could see and hear more than we spoke.”