“Like a little”: what makes adults act childish

“Recently at the meeting there was a debriefing on a project that had just started. The colleague reasonably, without unnecessary emotions, noted the successes and shortcomings that should be taken into account in the future. And then another colleague became covered with red spots and almost with tears in her eyes began to prove that everything was fine, she was not to blame. Once this same woman at a meeting with the customer behaved in a similar way. And the manager forbade taking her to external meetings so as not to dishonor the department,” recalls 34-year-old Irina.

Sometimes the child within us shows itself quite appropriately, the reactions are harmless, but sometimes they harm not only ourselves, as in the case described above.

“Inadequate expression of emotions in a normal situation indicates that a person is likely to find himself in a context that is painful for himself. Suddenly the emotion is more than the situation. For example, you stepped on your foot, and you scream as if you broke it. Most likely, this reaction comes from a wounded childhood state, it is such a “hurt” memory from the past,” explains transactional analyst Ekaterina Marinheiro Fana.

Some kind of trigger is triggered – in the form of a word, intonation, phrase or phrase. Or the speaker may resemble someone. And then we start our time machine.

In each of us there is a child part, but there are two more – an adult and a parent. Depending on circumstances, time and place, we switch from one role to another. This or that situation will activate in us a parent, an adult or a child.

“It depends on how much a sore spot in our psyche this or that story raises, and on what internal state there is more energy now. For example, you are inspired by something before the meeting, you have more energy in your child, and some remark, like a trigger, can take you to the past pain.

One and the same person is able, in certain circumstances, to play the role of an adult, and in some traumatic situations, he can “fall out” into a child – frightened, injured, defenseless, abandoned and alone.

Although a minute before this, the inner child was relaxed and contented. It is as if he is returning to the past in a time machine to that very activated painful situation. Every time something reminds him of her, he reproduces the feelings that he experienced then. All traumatic and unlived, “sealed with sealing wax” situations will form short circuits in the past. And if they work in the future, then we, like on a rubber band, will return to them again and again. And the scenario is repeated from time to time,” explains Ekaterina Marinheiro Fana.

This means that once there was no significant adult nearby, a parent who would protect him from the pressure of feelings and help them live, protect the child’s psyche from traumatization. It is not so much the trauma itself that causes pain in children, but the lack of contact and satisfaction of the necessary need. In those situations when you still cannot do it yourself and you need an adult for this. Or, conversely, a close adult himself turned out to be a threat.

Three Important Parts

Ego State Theory: Child, Parent, Adult – developed by Eric Berne. He argued that these states exist in each of us, but some part is manifested more strongly, and some is shown less frequently.

“We need all three states for life,” says Ekaterina Marinheiro Fagna. “Everyone needs the care, boundaries, and security that the Parent provides. We need to socially adapt, and without compromise it is impossible, we need to adapt to the situation and people. And everyone needs creativity, otherwise we dry up. Therefore, we need an Adaptive Child in order to interact socially. And everyone needs a Free Child, because we need to meet the needs and creatively realize our destiny. And we need an Adult to analyze, make decisions, develop and achieve the best results.

It is important to be aware of all these parts within yourself. When we are in danger – for example, we are overworking, tired, then the inner caring Parent says: “Take a break, rest, take a breath.”

Let’s say the inner Child wants to fulfill a dream and go to art classes. But one “child” will not achieve anything if the inner Parent does not connect and take care of taking the “child” to the courses, otherwise we are destined to always want and frustrated about this. But which ones exactly? This is where the Adult comes in and collects information, checks if all the courses are suitable, if they meet the needs of the Child. The Adaptive Child will need to build rapport with a teacher, a group of students. The Supervising Parent will make sure that this course is not a scam, is it safe there.

It is good if the whole set of three Egos is sufficiently developed. But sometimes the parents and adults in us are undernourished, not nurtured. Such people do not know how to take care of themselves, despite being tired and exhausted, they continue to work. A caring inner Parent will not offer them to rest and drink tea, and the Adult will not offer another optimal solution to the problem.

“They learned to get attention from their parents in childhood through strong stimulation, sometimes very tough communication,” the expert comments. – There is a law: it is better to have at least some stimulation, some kind of stroking and touching than their absence. Therefore, some children seek attention at any cost, even if they end up being slapped or yelled at. Often tough power games, blows are just melancholy and crying for the “under-stroke”, “under-hugging”, “dislike” of the child. Children’s psyche is plastic, it will adapt anyway. But the child will not develop a caring parental part in himself, he will somehow replace it, based on children’s ideas. Perhaps he will grow up and will not be able to take care of himself, he will set himself increased obligations that he cannot afford. He will constantly raise the bar, which he will never reach.

When childishness is appropriate

When we say, “He’s acting like a kid,” we spice up the phrase with different intonations and emotions. This is irony, and sarcasm, and indignation, and bewilderment, and joy. And even envy.

“Probably, some of us happened to see an adult uncle or aunt running down the street, throwing up a briefcase like a schoolboy. Or jumping like a child through puddles. And sometimes we see an adult woman who suddenly becomes hysterical, like a capricious child, because her husband refuses to buy her an expensive thing. She could simply be stuck in a situation similar to childhood, and she was “rubber-banded” into the past when her father did not buy the desired toy. And now she stamps her feet in front of her husband, actually referring to her father.

Perhaps she is not even aware of this and is surprised herself that this has come over her. And in the first case, a sincerely rejoicing child wakes up in an adult when, for example, he received an award or a long-awaited gift, or successfully completed a project. And then the briefcase flies into the air.

If the child once did not have an adequate adult, then the analytical part may remain at the level of a “little professor”. “This is the age of 6-7 years, when a child confidently tells how the world works, he has his own philosophy and he firmly believes in it. We are surprised how adults get into financial pyramids, make rash decisions. This is because the adult is stuck in a childish state, because that strategy kept and warmed then, so why not take it further in life? explains the psychologist.

At work, everyone will prefer to contact with adequate adults. That is why whims in work matters are not approved or encouraged. “Bosses prefer business relationships: said – done, asked – answered. But there are laws of hierarchy. The boss is superior, and it is normal for subordinates to want fatherly care from him. From a modern leader contact, empathy, understanding is required, because this is required by the law of hierarchy. He must understand the subordinate from above more than that of the boss from below. As they say, bosses should love their subordinates, but they are not obliged to them, ”the expert states.

Nevertheless, in a certain coordinate system, it is necessary to be children and show a sincere childish part.

“Recently, Russia hosted the World Cup,” reminds Ekaterina Marinheiro Fana. We all became children in an instant. They fraternized, rejoiced, hugged, knowing no boundaries, like children in kindergarten. They inflated colored balloons, dressed up in bright and funny costumes. And this experience was extremely important.

And childish curiosity – can you imagine a scientist who would not want, like a child, to climb everywhere and find out everything? Any research activity is impossible without the natural Child, without his self-expression. But it is also impossible to write a scientific article without the structure that the inner Parent sets. No parent – no structure. An adult will make logical connections between different parts of scientific work, analyze the data.

To be aware of all three parts in oneself, to understand their value, to develop them – this ability will provide a great resource for personal growth and well-being.

“If I fix in myself an inappropriate manifestation of the three Ego states, then I myself decide whether to play these games or not. Do I want to lose points on this or do I want a different quality of life? And then it’s worth considering whether I should read some books about this or go to trainings, or to a coach, or to psychotherapy. Any introspection is very useful, the expert concludes. “Everything that we pour into the mill of fortune and self-development will give an effect. You will be aware if something is wrong, and this is the first step to another life.

But do not condemn yourself and reproach for different yourself. Forgive yourself any manifestation of the Ego state, because they are all natural and often unconscious. We cannot forbid them. Let it be something inadequate, but sooner or later we, if desired, will learn to use any manifestation for good. You can always figure it out and apologize. Ultimately, all people have advantages and disadvantages, and they are able to bear responsibility, while accepting themselves in all manifestations. In order to change an unsuitable manifestation, it is first necessary to understand and accept it.”