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In the dialogues that became the basis of the bestseller “Books of Joy. How to be happy in a changing world,” His Holiness the Dalai Lama and South African Archbishop Desmond Tutu reflect on loneliness. We asked our expert to evaluate the effectiveness of their advice from a psychologist’s point of view.
Although the interlocutors in Tibet did not directly touch upon the issues of love relationships, in their judgments one can find the answer to the question that torments many: how to maintain a happy self-feeling if we have almost lost hope of meeting a partner?
Myth #1: Without a loved one, we are lonely.
Happiness lies in human relationships, the Dalai Lama admits. But how can you be lonely in a world with 7 billion people? To get rid of the feeling of loneliness will help the feeling of connectedness with those who are nearby.
“Show interest in your neighbor, and you will feel that you are connected to him much more than you thought,” says the Dalai Lama. Painful loneliness is the result of over-focusing on oneself. Do not neglect those who at first do not seem worthy of your attention. Meeting each person can be an invaluable experience. Take the first step forward.»
But can the spiritual connection he talks about replace the desire for partner intimacy?
“The Dalai Lama explains the Buddhist thesis that all phenomena are interconnected and the existence of a separate “I” is just an illusion,” says Jungian analyst Lev Khegai. — Switching attention to others is a cure for the main disease: excessive fixation on one’s ego, which gives rise to egocentrism, narcissism, the desire to appropriate another person.
The Dalai Lama suggests moving away from a touchy and demanding stance towards greater openness. From “I want love and intimacy, but fate does not give them to me” to “I wonder what life will give me, what I can take from a new day.” He calls not to sacrifice the bodily for the sake of the spiritual, but to sacrifice selfishness for the sake of a broader vision of the situation.
This is consistent with the position of psychology. The patient must first of all take responsibility for his suffering and for getting out of them, realize the inferiority of his perception of reality and begin to change it. Only psychologists believe that preaching is not enough, but individual work with a specialist is needed.”
Myth #2: Happy relationships don’t involve suffering.
Modern media teaches us to avoid situations in which we are rejected and enter into the most comfortable relationships. It is believed that this is a connection in which there is no suffering. However, would our relationship be simpler and easier if none of us experienced mental suffering?
Tibetan interlocutors question this. “Internal experiences shape our character,” says Desmond Tutu. “If everything in our lives flows easily and comfortably, we will never truly experience our own inner strength. We will not be able to fully appreciate the peace and joy of life.
Why is it dangerous to avoid suffering?
“There is already suffering in the very denial of painful experience,” explains Lev Khegay. — If we do not find the strength to survive and comprehend what happened, then we are doomed to carry this psychological burden in ourselves. Bishop Tutu explains the position of Christianity: «The Lord inflicts wounds, but he himself binds them» (Book of Job). In a more secular formulation, this means that suffering ultimately gives us a deeper understanding of ourselves, and this is close to psychology. However, the psychologist does not focus on passive Christian humility in a situation of suffering, but on the active processing of this experience in the process of psychotherapy.
Myth #3: Dating is a competition.
In the modern world, we often meet online, and when we look at others, it seems to us that we will not be able to compete. How can he, the only one, be able to discern us among the many?
Dates turn into a sports race where there are winners and losers. The Dalai Lama invites us to remember that we are all bound by the same, fragile human feelings. The desire to be happy and accepted. Realizing this, we will stop putting other people on a pedestal, believing that they deserve more than us. All those whom we consider rivals are in fact in the same position as ourselves.
“The institution of the Dalai Lamas arose in the Middle Ages in sparsely populated Tibet, and we live in big cities under capitalism and cannot be free from the attitudes of our culture,” says Khegai. “We are keenly aware of competition, and the dominant business model forces us to treat ourselves and others as objects, means to an end. The online meeting culture can only help us if we let go of the glamour, and see again those fundamental things that the Dalai Lama reminds us of.”