“Life together is a clash of two microcultures”

Psychologies: Why, as soon as partners start living together, there is irritation with each other?

Jean-Claude Kaufmann: Not even a honeymoon is complete without it! At first, irritation is felt weaker, because they do not want to see it and everyone tries to suppress this feeling in themselves. And the reason for it is that, starting a life together, it is very difficult to go towards the other, his world and the new reality that will be built together. It is difficult to realize the need to change, to move somewhere. Two partners test each other and decide what they can give up in themselves and what they can accept in the other. Irritation with each other is a sign that the process of unification has begun. The more the relationship tends to merge, the greater the risk of irritation. And so on until the common landmarks for the two are established.

Irritation is often associated with objects, their place in the house, but also affects the manners of the other, and his attitude to time …

Most of our daily activities are done automatically, unconsciously. When it comes to simple procedures, the arrangement of objects, no two people act the same way. And what happens? Mutual irritation. Living together is a clash of two microcultures. The couple is meant to create a common culture, and irritation arises when the other shows his own characteristics.

Many women are especially annoyed when their partner “relaxes” too much at home, for example, throwing things around …

For many of us, our couple is a “place” where we find peace. Returning home after a busy day means finally hiding from prying eyes and getting the opportunity to let go of the reins. This is how men tend to use their home. And this trend can reach a real regression – a return to childish forms of behavior. Female irritation refers not so much to this relaxation, but to the fact that a man dissolves himself more and more and becomes less attractive.

Do the reasons that cause us bouts of irritation change over time?

Naturally: the little things that at first we hardly noticed, gradually become more obvious. This can go on for quite a long time – five, ten, twenty years. With the advent of children, some irritants disappear, while others begin to act more strongly. Children need to set an example, which imposes a ban on certain habits: for example, slovenliness and laziness. In retirement, when people spend more time together, the gestures of the other, reminding that he is different, remain the same, but more annoying.

So what, we are doomed to forever not endure each other?

From the moment the movement towards each other slows down or stops, the damage from bouts of irritation becomes greater. Moreover, over time, some automatic actions are fixed: Alexander bites his nails, Nina is always late – and these traits annoy their spouses. But more important is not the cause of irritation or its intensity, but its evolution over time. If Alexander or Nina does not care that their behavior is unnerving partner, the case will end in an explosion, and their union will be in jeopardy. It is necessary to make at least a small effort – even if it does not give a result. But we usually do not guess for a long time what annoys the other in us.

Domestic irritation can kill love?

In this story, it is salutary that the stages alternate. First, someone gets angry, and this allows you to express what was not said. Then there is a desire to feel like a couple again. After the crisis, partners meet warmly, as after a long separation. But this applies only to those couples who are aware of the irritation and try to make it disappear. And those who stubbornly deny it and never talk about it – they can really ruin love.