More sincerity and creativity, less reckless actions and self-centeredness … Children encourage us – sometimes against our will – to rediscover ourselves and bring out the best in us. Look closely: we can learn a lot from our children.
Being a parent is not only about being happy. It is also about rediscovering ourselves and the world around us. Next to our children, we ourselves grow internally. Our relationships with other family members, with people in general, are changing, our view of our own experience is changing.
We are not the only ones who bring up children: every moment children teach us to look at many things with different eyes, at our behavior, decisions and actions. They force us to reconsider what we were absolutely sure of before and to reflect on who we are. Sometimes it seems difficult, but it is never useless.
Relive your own childhood
“When my son’s goldfish died, he couldn’t console himself,” recalls 40-year-old Marina. – I immediately remembered myself when I was seven years old, the same age as he is now. How deep and hopeless grief seemed then! These memories became an occasion to tell him about my childhood.” Together with children, we are re-experiencing our own past, with its sorrows and fears, joys and insults … This time seems to be rediscovered for us – from birth to adolescence, a time of important changes and acquaintance with real life.
“The childhood of children awakens forgotten emotions again,” explains psychotherapist Mikhail Papush. – So, a 35-year-old man, once again feeling like a child in communication with his little son, can suddenly discover what he himself lacked in childhood. Having understood this, an adult can begin to relate to his children’s problems in a new way, take into account this experience and change his life for the better. Taking the chance to look into the past, we can draw strength from it in order to grow internally.
Children need our honesty and loyalty to ourselves – otherwise we simply will not be able to build good relationships with them.
“I am absolutely indifferent to technology,” admits 37-year-old Lyubov. – And my four-year-old son Danila just loves trucks and all kinds of construction mechanisms. Recently, on a walk, we saw a tall, bright red crane. He looked at him with such a gleam in his eyes that I wanted to feel what it was that delighted him so much. And I saw: this red color stood out so brightly against the background of houses and the gray sky that this crane seemed beautiful to me myself!
One has only to try to adopt this fresh view of the world – and everything around becomes brighter, more alive, more wonderful. “Children seem to lead us by the hand along unexplored lands: next to them we also become pioneers,” says child psychologist Tatyana Bednik. “They encourage us to play, to dream, to create.” What adult would blow soap bubbles on their own or make funny little animals out of dough?
“My children and I build huts in the park on weekends,” says 34-year-old Nikolai with a smile. “During the week, I sometimes find myself planning the details of the upcoming trip in my thoughts.” And 45-year-old Sergei took up music again when his son began to learn to play the guitar. Not in order to measure his strength with him, and not in order to look younger – just, listening to how he enthusiastically learns the Beatles’ Yesterday, his father realized that he also really lacks that hobby that he had once abandoned.
Get older
“Until my daughter was born, I didn’t think much about tomorrow,” admits 40-year-old Olga. “But now that I have Masha, literally everything has changed.” Previously, Olga had a rather cool relationship with her mother, and after the birth of a child, she suddenly wanted her mother to be there again.
“In the early days, I surprised myself – I wanted to go to my mother, as if I had become a little girl again. And yet, at the same time, I myself felt like the mother of my baby. ”
This reversal of roles may shock us, but we cannot do without it. On the ladder of generations, we stepped a step higher. We became parents. Our parents are grandparents. And on the steps where we ourselves stood so recently, our children are now. Everything has changed: from now on, a child stands behind us, who trustfully holds on to our hand.
This feeling fills life with new meaning. But there is also a shadow side: we begin to realize more acutely that we ourselves are not eternal. The teenage feeling of immortality is leaving – the end suddenly becomes possible. And we feel the vulnerability of life – and our children, and our own.
A deep instinctive concern for the well-being of children makes us more attentive, more prudent
“I have been mountaineering for a long time, but recently I have begun to choose only the safest slopes – I don’t want to risk my life for a few minutes of extreme sports, like a teenager,” admits 36-year-old Dmitry. And 40-year-old Alexandra, who previously did not pay attention to her health, now undergoes regular medical examinations: “I have three children. When I take care of myself, I take care of them.”
“Deep instinctive concern for the well-being of children makes us be more attentive, prudent, smarter,” comments Mikhail Papush. “We strive to anticipate the course of events in order to arrange everything safely, and this helps us act smarter and more responsibly.”
be generous
“Now it’s not me that is more important, but the children” – this discovery was the most unexpected for 34-year-old Elena in the experience of motherhood. “When my twins were born, the old worries and problems seemed to fade into the background. I focus less on myself and more on someone else.”
This shift in priorities helps us to think more often about the people living next to us. And then helping sick children or caring for the future of the planet from an abstract charity develop into a very urgent matter. We become more open to others, and therefore capable of true generosity and solidarity.
Forty-two-year-old Ekaterina, who used to focus on her career, now spends several hours every week organizing a friendly dinner for her daughter’s school friends. And 42-year-old Nadezhda, the mother of two children of five and seven years old, became a volunteer in the center for helping the homeless: “I just hope that the world in which my daughter and son will live will become at least a little kinder and better.”
Be honest
“One day we decided to remove all alcohol from the house so that our teenage sons would not be tempted to try it,” recalls Nina, 44. – No gatherings with friends over a bottle of wine, no beer in front of the TV. But once, when we returned home, we found the children drunk.” Then it became obvious to the parents that it was impossible to do without a heart-to-heart talk – they had to explain, and discuss, and argue.
“Children demand the truth from us,” emphasizes Tatyana Bednik. — And we are not talking about the philosophical category of truth. They just need our honesty and loyalty to ourselves – otherwise you won’t build a good relationship with them. ” Of course, we may be tempted to be cunning, to keep silent about certain events or our own feelings. But kids of all ages always feel the sham… and don’t hesitate to let us know. Either direct questions (“Why did you say that fat aunts are stupid?”), Or bodily ailments and changes in behavior. In such cases, it is better to explain urgently and honestly.
Children, like a mirror, instantly show which of the usual reactions and actions do not correspond to our true views or desires. They encourage us to reflect on our own truth, so as not to be false anymore. And this is beneficial both for our relationships and for ourselves: when we are true to ourselves, we live with a sense of harmony, inner balance and rightness.
My children taught me to be their friend. Today, parents often complain to their child that he does not reveal his soul to them: “How are you doing? You don’t tell me anything!” But how do we communicate with them? It’s time for us to change the stereotypes of communication, learn to speak with children not from top to bottom, but as with friends, on an equal footing. They have a pure mind, and their opinion can become a real revelation for us. And the children helped me get rid of many complexes.
Learn to let them go
Children grow up – and we have to let them go free. Both literally and figuratively, there is no other way. For 42-year-old Olesya, this was not easy.
“My son Fedor decided to take up snowboarding. And all winter sports have been causing me panic ever since my cousin died on the ski slope at the age of twelve. When Fedya decided to enroll in the section, I found an excuse to refuse him this. My husband took my side. But the son still dreamed and talked only about it. I decided to see a psychologist to deal with my old trauma. And three years ago I found the strength to give my son his first snowboard for his thirteenth birthday.”
Those who do not want to continue to pass on such negative family “messages” can find help in psychotherapy. “Growing up, our children remind us that we are not omnipotent and simply not able to do everything we would like for them … as well as for other people, too,” says Tatyana Bednik. “It is never easy to come to this realization.”
Of course, we have to go through fears, overcome anxieties. But if this succeeds, the transition itself will take place naturally. “Having ceased to be afraid, I was able to give my son the space for self-realization that I myself once lacked,” Olesya reflects. Now, seeing him confident and happy, I think that this is indeed living proof that one cannot live in fear of everything. You won’t gain strength and you won’t learn new things if you don’t try.”
“It is important to remember that the birth and upbringing of children is one of the important episodes of life, which can and should be followed by many others,” concludes Mikhail Papush. With their longing for freedom, children set us free. We must be willing, over time, to hand over to them the responsibility for their lives that we once assumed. And isn’t it the best reward to see how the chicks confidently spread their wings for the first flight?