Life after divorce: 12 steps to happiness

Psychological observations suggest that a painful divorce can cause psychological trauma. If you do not notice it in time and do not start taking action, then after some time it can grow into post-traumatic stress disorder. The person may have intrusive thoughts about the traumatic event, nightmares, anxiety, and emotional outbursts in response to the breakup trigger.

In order not to be in such a state, it is important to assess the risks of its occurrence in a timely manner.

Risks and consequences of divorce

• The decision to break up was made by the partner, although you would like to continue the relationship. Moreover, the news of this decision came as a surprise to you. This situation hurts your self-esteem.
• Your whole life has been built around relationships. You do not have your friends, apartment, work, interests. In this case, you have no one to rely on.
• This is not the first time a relationship has ended with the departure of a partner. It begins to seem to you that something is wrong with you, you are cursed, not created for a family.
• You got married very early, and the baton for making decisions and caring for you was taken by your husband almost from the hands of your mother. In this situation, you may start to feel like a helpless child.
• You broke up, but are forced to spend a lot of time together (shared apartment, work, business). In this situation, you cannot separate from your partner and start first healing from grief, and then building a separate life.

In all of these cases, you need to understand that you are at risk of psychological trauma and need support.

What is happening in the brain at this time?

Chemistry of emotions

Our thoughts do not define, but only explain the emotions caused by a hormonal cocktail.

Mood is formed mainly by dopamine and serotonin. Moreover, we can say that every trait of our character is associated with hormones – testosterone, dopamine / norepinephrine, estrogen and serotonin.

Serotonin is the happy hormone. If you have a consistently high level of serotonin, then you can be called a calm, patient person with a long-established circle of friends. Strong and stable relationships, traditions are very important to you, you are a supporter of social norms. This means that your good mood system built into the brain is actively working in a stable and reliable family system with a single man for life. Accordingly, any loss of stability, destruction of relationships, violation of traditions primarily hit the leading system of obtaining joy from life.

When there is nowhere to draw joy from, life becomes difficult. Heartache turns the world into a solid “Black Square” by Malevich. Success at work, achievements in fitness, an evening with friends, and even more so, the beautiful weather on the street cease to please.

Dopamine is the pleasure hormone. If you like novelty, you easily change hobbies, places of work, social circle, then you are more like a dopamine addict. It would seem that in this case, divorce should not negatively affect you. Indeed, it is easier for you to adapt to change. Unless you consider the breakup a personal failure that cannot be explained and changed. If the situation turned out to be uncontrollable, then dopamine drops, and with it the desire to do something.

How to help yourself?

12 steps to a happy life

1. Accept the breakup

If you were told a firm “no”, and even more so the ex-partner had another one, you must accept the fact that in this story you have reached the epilogue. This important step will help you reach the very bottom from which you can push off. If you maintain hope for a continuation, you will not be able to help yourself, because why do something, if soon everything will return to its place again, you just have to wait a bit. Remember, this wait can take years.

2. Ground yourself

If you feel that the pain is unbearable, and black thoughts are running in circles in your head, then this exercise will help shift the focus of attention from the head to the body. Place both feet on the floor, feet flat on the floor. Feel your feet, close your eyes and imagine that you are a tree that grows into the ground with its powerful root system. Stay in this state until a feeling of peace arises. Perhaps you can focus on contemplating the clouds, or a river will begin to glisten in front of your inner eye. Consider the details of this picture and learn how to supplement it with some new details. Over time, you can easily learn to calm yourself in any stressful situations by going to this safe place.

3. Reduce pain

Remember, the main rule of dealing with mental pain is the same as with physical injuries. Diagnose the causes (in your case, we are talking about divorce), take painkillers and begin treatment. So diagnostics. Go through the list of risks that are listed at the beginning. What exactly hurt you the most? This is what we will fight against.

Painkillers at the initial stage are people who love you. Call friends and family, but only those who are ready to listen and support you. The key word is support. There is no need to communicate with people who will aggravate the emotional state with phrases from the series: “I told you, it’s my own fault.”

Remember, alcohol is not a resource. Moreover, temporary relief will lead you to aggravate the condition the next day. The pain, anxiety, depression and self-flagellation that you feel will increase exponentially when you are hungover.

4. Cry and grieve as much as you need to.

Unexplained and unexperienced grief turns us into knights in iron armor, effectively blocking all emotions. In this case, not only sadness, heartache, despair will be blocked, but also joy, happiness, inspiration and the possibility of falling in love again in the future.

5. Understand Your Hormones

Find a source to support your serotonin and dopamine levels. The best helpers will be sports, the sun and proper nutrition.

Serotonin is most effectively raised by antidepressants, but it is worth resorting to their help if you are already depressed and have been prescribed them by a doctor. If, like me, you are a supporter of natural methods, then consult a nutritionist. He will advise the appropriate nutrition to help in the delivery of the amino acid tryptophan, which is responsible for the synthesis of serotonin.

As for the benefits of the sun, a sufficient amount of it reduces the production of melatonin, a serotonin antagonist. Lower melatonin, higher serotonin.

Dopamine rises when you set and achieve goals, so don’t give up on your creative, work, or athletic ambitions. On the contrary, set yourself every day at first small, and then more and more complex, but achievable goals. In a situation of struggle for joy, there is no need to wait for motivation – you will not wait for it. The dopamine reward system works in such a way that joy overtakes after solving the tasks, and with it comes the motivation to complete the new plan. The main thing is to keep moving.

6. Limit any contact with your ex

Rent an apartment, divide your business, go away often to friends, if right now you are still connected by a common job or living space.

Do not follow social networks (it is better to unsubscribe from your ex-spouse everywhere), do not ask your friends about him, do not look for reasons to meet. No need to give him secret (as you think) signals about yourself. Do not post photos, statuses, quotes like “I’m hard to find and easy to lose.” Realize that the more time and energy you spend on an ending relationship, the longer you will be stuck in it. There is a wonderful story on this subject.

“One old man revealed to his grandson the truth of life:

“There is a struggle going on in man, similar to the struggle of two wolves, black and white. The black wolf represents evil: envy, jealousy, regret, selfishness, ambition, lies. The white wolf represents goodness: peace, love, hope, truth, kindness and loyalty.

The grandson thought about it and asked:

“And which wolf wins in the end?”

“The wolf you feed always wins.”

7. Energy of people

Pull yourself out to exhibitions, fitness, to the pool, for walks. The very fact that you got out of bed without an emergency is already a small victory. They forced themselves to get dressed and put on make-up – another victory. Now the main secret. When you are among people (even strangers and silently), the feeling of loneliness goes away. Moreover, thanks to mirror neurons, you absorb the state of others. In the gym, theater and exhibitions, there are usually a lot of people with an active lifestyle who are working on their body and spirit. Let yourself be infected by their spirit.

8. Shorten selfishness

The search for causes and errors at the initial stage is not constructive, and most often they turn into self-flagellation. Track the moments when you begin to mentally torture yourself. How to distinguish constructive analysis from unfair criticism? If you have been asking the same question for many days from the series: “How could I make such a mistake, be such a fool” and come to a state of pain and despair, then this is it – auto-aggression and a dead end. Once you realize you’re self-flagellation, go back to the first steps on our list.

9. Give up plans for revenge

Sometimes the only source of joy is dreams of how you will get revenge. Fantasies can be different or one and the same, but in different scenery. The problem is that at some point these illusions become a source of dopamine and, accordingly, joy. Dopamine receptors do not distinguish between real achievement and vivid fantasy achievement, and the difference is very simple. Instead of doing small actions in real life (sports, walking, creativity), you start living in fantasies. Moreover, as a result, the former partner and thoughts about him become a source of reward. As long as he lives a real life with another woman, you lose the chance to meet a new real man.

10. Separate the boundaries

Start to gradually form your own world, separate from your partner. One in which you have your own meanings, interests, friends and plans. It will become easier for you to accept the individuality of your partner and survive resentment towards him. Of course, working with boundaries is a long-term psychotherapeutic process. Reading the Gestalt Prayer will help you tune in to it:

“I do my thing and you do your thing.

I don’t live in this world to live up to your expectations, and you don’t live in this world to live up to mine.

You are you.

And I am me.

If we accidentally meet each other, it’s wonderful.

And if not, then so be it.”

11. Open your heart even though it hurts.

Take advantage of the handicap principle. Amotz Zahavi, the author of the principle, believed that life-threatening signs carry information about the quality of the genome. For example, a large tail size, too bright plumage, loud screams, excessively large horns – all this is a measure of the quality of the genome. With them it is more difficult to hide and run away from predators, only a highly adapted individual will be able to survive with such excessive decorations until the moment of reproduction.

Let your experience of living through divorce become a handicap principle. After all, to open your heart and continue to believe in love, having experienced the pain of betrayal, the collapse of illusions and plans, a drop in self-esteem, depression, fear – this is pure madness.

As absurdly bold as the oversized and flamboyant tail of a peacock. But only such crazy brave men win really worthwhile prizes! Any man understands that if you are so fearless and strong, you will not fall into hysterics from every trouble, but on the contrary, if necessary, you can become a reliable support.

12. Look for meaning

Now, having gone through all the previous steps, you are ready to have a constructive dialogue with yourself. Remember, I wrote that in the initial stages it is not necessary to endlessly remember the past and look for mistakes in it? When you have come to your senses, shared boundaries, found hobbies, learned to ground yourself, then you can begin to analyze past experiences without self-flagellation.

Psychologist Viktor Frankl wrote about the need for an existential turn: we need to stop asking ourselves the question “what am I doing this for?” and start asking “what can I take away from this?”. When you put the question this way, you may find that, thanks to what happened, you became closer to family and friends, found new interests, acquired a dream figure and became a completely different person in general. Perhaps you already know at least one answer to the question: “Why did this happen to me?”

Forward to a new life

I believe, and the experience of clients confirms my belief, that divorce is exactly the crisis that turns us face to face. For many, before divorce, their whole life was determined by the needs of their partner. There was no time for everything. When life confronted me with a divorce, a huge hole formed in my heart. In the beginning, I just wanted to lie down and die. Then I had to push myself forward through despair and pain, further and further towards new meanings. When your legs gave out, friends came to the rescue, and you learned to lean first on them, and then slowly on yourself.

A woman who has learned to rely on herself is no longer afraid to turn her face to the mirror, look into her eyes, wink and go outside. She is ready to carry out plans, dreams, flirt with attractive men, get married and just enjoy life.