Some are waiting for this moment with anxiety, others impatiently, and some do not wait at all. But one thing is clear: when you retire, a person is going through a serious crisis. What difficulties are to be faced and how to pass to the “third age” with the least losses?
Parting with work, we complete the longest and perhaps the most important stage of our lives. And as a rule, we part at this moment with many familiar things. Among them — a clear structure of the day and social status, material opportunities, belonging to a particular community and confidence in the future.
Now we have to rebuild a lot of things in life. And any change, even desirable, is associated with a sense of loss. Is it possible to prepare in advance for the upcoming losses? Only partly. You can open a savings bank account or think about what to do in retirement and what skills to master in this regard.
“Some of us know what we are going to do long before we retire,” says Maria Soloveichik. — Someone is going to open feng shui courses, someone is planning to become a tutor… But there are things that cannot be taken into account in advance. The retirement age, like any other crisis, exposes the problems with which a person could live for many years. He adapted to them, they did not interfere with him. The changes associated with the loss of a job exacerbate them, bring them to the fore.
It is especially difficult for those for whom work was the meaning of life, who are strongly identified with it.
A person who does not know how to take care of himself and his needs, new circumstances and age-related illnesses force him to start thinking about himself, about his well-being and needs.
Spouses who have met for many years only in the evenings may find that nothing connects them, they have nothing to do together, and there is nothing to talk about either.
Anyone who has always found it difficult to plan time, who is used to a certain work schedule and a clear schedule, cannot even imagine: how is it that he will not go to work in the morning? What to do with this freedom? For many years, his day was structured by some kind of duty. There was an urgent need to earn money, cook for the whole family, dress well … Now the children have grown up, no one requires quarterly reports, and it’s not very clear what to do with yourself.
“It is especially difficult for those for whom work was the meaning of life, who are strongly identified with it,” comments Maria Soloveichik. What meanings will they find in another reality? The most important thing in this case is not to close your eyes to your fear. Strong dramas often come from the fact that a person does not dare to honestly tell himself that it will hurt. And he tries with all his might to pretend that everything is fine with him.
Here are a few steps a psychologist thinks you need to take as you end one stage of your life and start another.
1. Face the fact and accept the loss. Give space to different feelings — and regret for what did not happen, and gratitude for what was. Do not move away from these experiences, you still can not throw them out of your life. Look back at the path you have traveled, say goodbye to what did not come true (for example, you dreamed of being a doctor all your life, but worked as a technician).
Remember the good things that came true, came true — this gives strength and energy to live on. Find a person with whom you can share, complain, “react” your experiences. Not necessarily a psychotherapist, but rather a person who is in a similar situation and will not dismiss your problems.
2. Make a list of what you have lost and what you have gained. Having lost financial independence and permanent employment, we gain freedom of choice (place of stay, daily routine, social circle). Losing the sense of belonging to the team and the ability to communicate with the team, we are freed from the tyranny of the boss, overtime days and gain a sense of peace. We can lose material wealth, but we get inner independence and the opportunity to do what we love and ourselves.
The moment of retirement is the right time to remember that you are not just a function, but also a person.
Some women and men of pre-retirement age say: “I am afraid that I will not have the need to get up early, put myself in order, keep fit, leave the house once again. I will then lie in my bathrobe all day and watch TV.” But nothing prevents us from inventing our own activities, setting tasks, distributing them and structuring our day in this way. It’s not always easy, you have to admit. It is impossible to force a person to make this or that choice. But it is important to understand: life goes on after work.
3. Find the assemblage point. The busy schedule of everyday life often prevents us from remembering our Self. We get used to certain functions — mother, husband, leader, employee … And these roles eat up so much time that we forget about the main thing: what am I as a person?
For some, a successful career forms the habit of measuring one’s own value through accomplishments. Such a person feels an increased need for external evaluation. If there is no assessment from the outside, he can no longer understand whether he is “bad” or “good”. The moment of retirement is the right time to remember that you are not just a function, but also a person. The exercise «Who am I» will help with this.
Who am I?
1. Take a piece of paper and start writing down your desires. Try not to make your list look like a list of gifts for the New Year. Write what you would like to do at work or in your free time, what you would like to achieve.
2. View the entire list. Try to choose 5 desires that are most relevant to you now. You may want to combine some needs into one block. For example, you want to do dance and yoga. This can be combined into the block «I want to develop the abilities of the body.» But association is not an end in itself, you decide whether you need to do it or not.
3. Revisit your list and think about how you can identify the part of your personality that this need comes from. For example, if you want to practice dancing, this part of your personality can be labeled «Dancer». This does not mean professional affiliation, it simply says that you have this desire, this need. So there is a part.
4. On a separate sheet of paper, draw a large circle, and inside a smaller circle. It turned out a ring, the central part of which is your «I». And in the ring itself, place those five parts of your «I» that express your current desires, designating them with the help of symbols. Now color your «I».
We have hidden reserves, energy and self-confidence, sufficient to embody and experience something new.
This exercise helps to regain the feeling of «I am.» This «I» exists without any other roles, by itself. Remembering your long-standing desires, dreams that have not reached your hands, think: in what way can they now at least partially be realized? What place in your life are you willing to find for them?
Let’s say you’ve dreamed of learning French all your life. Today we have almost no restrictions in order to implement this plan, and at the same time go to Paris.
Analyze what in your work, profession, position that you have occupied in recent years, was the most important for you, essential. If you understand that it is valuable for you to help people, to feel in demand, you can realize it in retirement in some kind of social work or volunteer project.
Your old hobby can become both a way of self-realization and a source of extra income. If, for example, you have been interested in history for many years, it will not be difficult for you to complete courses for guides and conduct excursions. Those who like to sew can find customers through social networks and sew for them.
The crisis of the «third age», like any other age crisis, ends sooner or later — this happens when a person has a fairly definite image of his new life. We stop treating the loss of a job as a loss of everything. And we understand: the time that comes next is also ours. We have hidden reserves, energy and self-confidence, sufficient to embody and experience something new.