To forgive the betrayal of a loved one — this task seems impossible to many. How can you restore trust after a partner has changed, says a psychiatrist.
Partners often have different ideas about what counts as cheating. For some, virtual sex is innocent entertainment, for others it is a betrayal. For some, watching a porn movie is a manifestation of infidelity, and registration and correspondence on a dating site without real meetings can lead to a divorce.
It’s time to end this uncertainty. I propose a universal definition of treason.
Cheating (infidelity) is the destruction of trust due to the deliberate concealment of important intimate moments of one’s life from a partner.
RESTORE CONFIDENCE
I gave such a definition without an emphasis on the sexual sphere in order to emphasize that the main thing in treason is the loss of trust. This is important because the fact itself will be remembered for a lifetime, but trust can be restored.
My 25 years of experience in treating the psychological and sexual problems associated with infidelity shows that the solution to the problem begins and ends with the restoration of trust.
In the process of restoring trust, partners need to learn to be open and honest in everything. It is not simple. Many deceivers in therapy only pretend that they are trying to change, but in fact they continue to lie. This tactic works, but sooner or later, the partners again convict them of deception.
If you are truly remorseful and want to save the relationship, you need to try to be completely honest.
Trust is not restored just because one of the partners has stopped cheating on the other. It can only be gradually brought back if you make a commitment to always tell the truth, no matter how painful it may be. A deceiver ceases to be a deceiver when he begins to tell his partner about everything: about gifts for children and going to the gym, financial expenses and mowing the lawn, and, of course, about all social connections, even those that his chosen one does not like.
A LIE TO SALVATION IS ALSO A LIE
Absolute honesty is a matter of behavior, not thoughts and fantasies. If you could not resist communicating with your ex, you need to tell your partner about it. But if you’re just thinking about how it would be nice to call or meet up with your ex, but don’t act on it, you can tell a friend or therapist about it, but not your spouse.
Stephen Arterburn and Jason Martinkus in Trustworthy describe absolute honesty as «I’d rather lose you than cheat you.» They write: “There needs to be a shift in your honesty paradigm. The truth should be your number one priority.» The authors argue that a former cheater should always tell the truth: «If your wife asks you if her favorite pants are fat, you should tell her what you really think.»
ACTIVE HONESTY
Deceivers must learn to speak the truth actively. If your partner wants to know about something, you should tell him as soon as possible. In addition, you need to be prepared for the fact that he may get angry for the truth. The partner will be offended and angry a lot more if he finds out that you lied or withheld something.
Yesterday’s deceivers often complain that, despite their honesty, spouses do not trust them. It is difficult for them to understand that months and years after the betrayal, it is difficult to unconditionally trust the person who deceived you.
Restoring trust in a relationship takes time and effort. Only constant honesty can accelerate this process. Tell the truth, not only about what your partner already knows or what he is beginning to guess. Be honest about the little things: «Honey, I forgot to take out the trash this morning.»
TRAPS FOR Cheaters
There are difficulties on the way of former deceivers. Even if they sincerely want to be honest, they can fall into one of them.
- passive honesty. If a partner suspects them of something, they may confess, but not tell the whole truth, believing that the details can worsen the relationship or hurt.
- Partial truth. In this case, the truth is presented in a mild form.
- Playing the role of a child. The deceiver waits for the partner to «pull» the truth out of him. If he doesn’t insist, he doesn’t say anything.
- Underestimation. He tries to be honest, but downplays or omits embarrassing details so as not to hurt his partner.
- Inclusion of a defensive or attacking reaction. The former deceiver tells the partner the truth. He is angry and indignant. Then the deceiver «reverses» and begins to make excuses or, conversely, reacts aggressively and begins to blame the partner for all sins.
- Expecting immediate forgiveness. The former deceiver speaks only the truth and demands that the partner forgive him. However, the time that each of us needs to survive betrayal is individual.
Even if your honesty failed to convince your partner that you can be trusted, drastic measures remain. You can install tracking programs on your phone: in this way, your partner can not only find out where you are, but also track your movements and activity on the Web. Grant access to your computer and bank account. Full transparency can restore trust.
Author: Robert Weiss is a psychiatrist and author of Sex Addiction 101: The Ultimate Guide to Getting Rid of Sexual, Pornographic, and Love Addictions, Step Out of the Shadows: A Step-by-Step Guide to Rescuing Relationships for Men Who Have Been Caught Cheating.