Many of the solutions we offer that seem most effective to us involve the child believing in something that is not literally always true. For example, your toddler asks for a candy bar for breakfast.
The standard advice for this, which you’ve probably already seen in other literature, is to offer the child a choice. You say, «I can have cherry or fruit spirals or banana and yogurt for breakfast,» hoping that he will choose one of these foods. However, a very smart kid can, without a moment’s hesitation, completely rejecting the choice you offer, demand: “I WANT A SWEET BAR! I DON’T WANT ANYTHING YOU GIVE!»
In response, we say: “But baby, I don’t have a candy bar here. Now there is only this … ”, and again you name the same products that were just offered.
Most kids will accept as an inevitable fact: no candy bars.
However, we know parents who may object to this: “But I have these bars at home, and if I say that I don’t have them, then I’m lying?”
Of course, lying is not good, but the ability to deftly manipulate the meaning of words is normal. This is a useful and clever part of the arsenal of tricks. Every adult knows that words have many meanings, you need to mobilize your sophisticated mind to bring success, like a lawyer who has drawn up a contract full of confused legal terms. And it is not our task to help the opposite side to understand all these legal traps. If that side lacks the experience of seeing what lies on the surface, it needs to learn to do so.
So if the phrase «I don’t have a candy bar here» meant «here, in this place in front of me,» it’s not your fault that the child took it as «here in the house.» In order for this strategy to work, it is better not to keep the bars in plain sight, but to hide them properly, otherwise the baby will return to this with the words: “I know where they are” and show them to you.
You can apply these linguistic tricks in almost any situation. For example, a child wants to play with a neighbor’s baby, and you need to put him to sleep. You can say, “We can’t go there to play right now. It’s bedtime for Sammy too. I think he’s already asleep.» That’s right, you think so… and even if you don’t have evidence to the contrary, there’s no reason to tell your child otherwise. It’s none of your business to monitor the observance of the daily routine of the neighbor’s child, so it’s not surprising that you could be mistaken in this particular case. At the same time, it is quite reasonable to assume that all the neighbor’s children sleep at about the same time of day. Your baby’s reluctance to go to bed will gradually subside as he accepts the idea of napping as a universal phenomenon.
Raising children is not for people who divide everything only into black and white — you can agree with them in principle. But what to do with the practical side of the question: “What if the children catch you in a lie?” Will it teach them not to trust you? Or, even worse, will they think that if necessary, you can distort the truth?
We want to warn you: do not use this technique until you are confident enough that even in the most unpleasant situation (which will arise sooner or later) you will be able to stick to your line.
Let’s say you told your four-year-old that the ice cream shop closed after sunset, completely forgetting that his grandparents took him there after lunch last week. You can start lying blatantly, piling up one lie on another: “Yes, but that was on Saturday, and today is Wednesday. Well, yes, now I remember … on weekends they close later. You can change the tone and work with the reality correction version: “Yes, you are right. Thanks for reminding me. But anyway, it’s too late to go for ice cream now, so let’s go another time.» Finally, you can confess and give the child an opportunity to cheer, and then say that you are going to try to play a trick on him from time to time, cheating on small things — for example, when shops open and close. In fact, you are ready to fulfill his request.
We advise you to use the last of the mentioned methods only with a child over four years old. Until this age, children usually take everything almost literally. They cannot comprehend the fact that different people understand the meaning of words in different ways, and a word has several meanings at the same time.
Even the youngest children understand that people do not always speak seriously. Sometimes, armed with your imagination, you pretend to be a horse, wave your arms about to fly, or say the magic word and take a coin out of your baby’s ear. You use words for your own purposes: to cheer up a child, to make life a little brighter, to distract yourself from the conventions of adult life for a while. True, ardent supporters of always and everywhere telling children only the truth will probably object to this as well.
Fortunately, few parents are so strongly committed to the idea of exceptional truth. If we ignore such principles and consider any specific situation only from the point of view of the interests and needs of your own child, you will quickly understand the stupidity of such a categorical approach. If, communicating with a child, you do not deviate from the truth in the literal sense, then at the same time you will deny the existence of the world of your favorite fairy tales.
Therefore, in order to prolong the feeling of a miracle for your child, it is necessary to protect him — at least at a tender age — from some manifestations of the supernatural reality that the world around him has in store. Many adults clearly want someone to keep doing it for them. Note how most adults try to replace the words «death» and «die» with a variety of euphemisms. Be independent in applying the proposed methods that will make the world more “pink” than it really is: fantasy, imagination, can protect the feelings of a child, and help an adult feel like a child. Here are a few «tricks» that should be in the arsenal of parents in the process of education.
We do not always try to hide the harsh reality, as we adhere to a different point of view: any story can be told from different perspectives (meaning stories for children).
“But this is a completely different case,” our critics may say. “These are fantasies, inventions that enrich the world of a child.” The same is manifested in the ability of some parents to play with words and fantasize talentedly. The main thing is with what thoughts, for what purpose and how often the story is told. Disturbing stories should be limited so as not to injure the child. For example, your toddler is afraid of the monsters they think are in their closet at night.
No need to convince him that there are no monsters; instead, you need to take a vial of «anti-monster» and spray it until they are all dead. And then the excited baby will fall asleep peacefully.
Throughout the world and at all times, young listeners can be captivated by fairy tales in which people or animals, with the help of magic, cunning and deceit, found a common language.
To your child, you must seem at least as strong as the best heroes of ancient fairy tales.
Zoya always speaks in a whining voice. How to convince her to speak in a normal tone?
It’s easy. Now you’re older and your hearing is getting worse, isn’t it? When she starts to ask for something in a whining tone, do not move, say: “Sorry, I can’t understand what you are saying at all. Please repeat».
If she repeats in the same tone, only louder, gently correct her by saying, «Say in your voice, please.»
In the end, she will understand that there is a right way and a wrong way to be heard, the right way will lead her to a faster and more productive response from her parents.
However, if that doesn’t work, try this: respond to her whining with more whining. Let’s say she says, “I don’t want to go shopping with you. I’m very tired! ”, Then you will say in a more nasty aching voice:“ I don’t want to, but we have to do it this-o-one. This method must be used carefully so that your imitation does not grow into ridicule. Then she will feel offended and in the future will be less willing to turn to you with requests for help in solving her problems.
Try to say it so funny that she laughs at herself.
If she thinks you’re making fun of her, quickly back up and tell her it just happened. Make it clear that sometimes we speak capriciously without noticing it.
After such an explanation, she should not be angry, but she will not soon give you a chance to do it again.
My two-year-old daughter, Brian, already speaks in complete sentences and “gives away” everything that is on her mind. On the bus, looking at a legless man, she asks: “What about uncle’s legs?” Then he remarks: “Look, what a nasty fat aunt!” How to teach a two-year-old child restraint?
This must be taught now, it will be much more difficult later. However, don’t worry that she doesn’t understand the meaning of the word «restraint.» Explain as simply as possible: for example, people have feelings that should be respected.
Tell her not to stare at strangers or point fingers at them, no matter how they look or how healthy they are. Let him imagine what it is like to have something that is so different from other people that others begin to look at it. Would she want to spend all day answering questions or seeing other kids pointing at her?
This is a good exercise because it will teach your girl empathy. It will also help her begin to distinguish between the public and the private. Some things (including how this or that injury was received) people prefer to keep to themselves. Tell her that it can be unpleasant for a person to explain again and again why he uses a wheelchair and what kind of rash he has on his skin.
Do not expect that a two-year-old, even a three-year-old baby will always remember this lesson. The next time you meet someone, a person who can provoke your daughter’s curiosity, you need to take preemptive action. Before she can make an unfortunate remark, take her aside and quietly say, “Remember when we talked about how impolite it is to point out people who look different? If you want to tell me about that aunt with green hair and eyebrow rings, don’t talk too loudly. When we get home, I will answer all your questions.» (This will give you the time you need to think about your answer.)
In the children’s center that my son attends, there is a boy who uses swear words, and my son imitates him! The teacher of the center said that we should not pay attention to this. But several months have passed, and everything is still the same. What should we do? Maybe talk to the little foul-mouthed parents?
You can, of course, but they will most likely send you … away. Instead of fighting their language, it’s time to introduce your son to the rules of a civilized society.
After all, you taught him that it is not good to call other people names or talk goo to them using bad words. It is necessary to clearly tell him exactly what words you are talking about.
You don’t have to define them. Just say that they are obscene, that they are ashamed to use. People don’t like to hear them.
The hardest thing you will have with the word «shit» (shit, rubbish), these days you can hear it literally everywhere. It flies mindlessly as a reaction to almost any failure or trouble. You can tell your child that the word means «turd». Explain to him that this word is only for the toilet.
Such a restriction will be more understandable for him than a complete ban on pronouncing this word. Suggest a suitable replacement for it, such as «Shoot!» («Shot»).